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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hacked off

26 replies

SigmundJähn · 25/09/2022 08:20

I'm 45 years old with 3 kids and a professional job and should probably know better than to get upset about this but it's really bugging me.

Found out via FB that my group of friends from Uni 20 years ago met up yesterday for a big boozy reunion and I was excluded from it.

I've been there for my (supposed) friends when they've needed a shoulder to cry on and through lives ups and downs and yet when they meet up for fun it seems I'm not included.

I've had a few of my own ups and downs in the last couple of years including marriage worries, young child with SEN, me being diagnosed with autism and ADHD, all info which I confided in with this trusted group of friends, but only one of them actually made an effort to ask me more about and how I was doing.

It's not as if we all live far apart either - this do seems to have been a mid point for them all.

So AIBU for being upset about this or do I just move on from them as smoothly as they seem to have done from me, however grating that might be?

OP posts:
Original poster
SigmundJähn · 25/09/2022 20:48

Ok so maybe in the absence of any other input I am AIBU??

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 25/09/2022 20:49

Do you see them often? Keep in touch apart from on Facebook?

pictish · 25/09/2022 20:51

No yanbu to feel slighted by that. I would too.

Darbs76 · 25/09/2022 20:52

I’d be hugely hurt - I’d ask them why you were missed off the invite list

IsABajan · 25/09/2022 20:52

No not unreasonable at all. It's happened to me and it hurts no matter what age we are.

properdoughnut · 25/09/2022 20:54

Oh god I'd be so upset by this. I'd want to not be but it would make me feel like I was back in the school playground again

red4321 · 25/09/2022 21:06

I'd be hurt.

This is probably unlikely but presumably you haven't missed a smaller gathering? Occasionally the next event is arranged at the previous event, and the non attendees invited a bit haphazardly so the odd person is inadvertently missed?

tickticksnooze · 25/09/2022 21:10

I would be hurt too.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 25/09/2022 21:30

Sorry this has happened. I don't think YABU, I would also be hurt by this

DrDetriment · 25/09/2022 21:33

I'd be very hurt too. You need to ask why you were not invited.

RandomMess · 25/09/2022 21:35

I'd be really hurt Flowers

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 25/09/2022 21:38

I'd just ignore them from now on and if they came asking for advice or sympathy just say 'sorry who is this?'. Or ignore them.

Aconitum · 25/09/2022 21:39

Not being unreasonable at all. I would be really upset and would comment directly on the Facebook post why I hadn't been invited and whether they no longer considered me to be part of the group.
Make them squirm then leave them to it.

Original poster
SigmundJähn · 25/09/2022 21:50

Thanks for the replies. Thought I was being a tad precious but it seems it would be a natural reaction in the circumstances to be upset about it.

Part of me wants to get all passive aggressive and comment on the FB post "how nice that you were all able to get together and enjoy yourselves" or similar but the other part of me just doesn't want to drag down to their level and would be quite happy blocking the lot of them and moving right on.

It's so fucking moronic that girls can still be horrible and mean to each other in their 40s, way beyond the confines of the playground. One would have hoped that they'd have algae a modicum of thought for others who'd see the post, but alas it seems not to be.

OP posts:
ReluctantCourier · 25/09/2022 21:55

I’ve had this too, it’s shit and more likely careless than malicious but who wants people in their lives that are careless with their feelings? Groups often result in people getting treated oddly or badly

ReluctantCourier · 25/09/2022 21:56

Oh I wouldn’t say anything btw- they’ll just get defensive and justify it which will feel worse! Not many people are mature enough to handle vulnerability from others.

FindingMeno · 25/09/2022 21:58

I would withdraw from communication and wait and see if anyone reaches out.

Original poster
SigmundJähn · 25/09/2022 22:05

Thinking about it, I've been the only one who's kept up with Christmas cards (unless of course they've done them between themselves and just not to me).

I just thought we were all overwhelmed with middle age and kids and lockdown and everything these last few years, but clearly they've made time for themselves and each other but just not included me.

So I am over this now. There's been no effort from them towards me for some time now, it's dawned on me. So I won't bother with them.

I guess they've done me a favour.

But it still fucking hurts.

OP posts:
dcadmamagain · 25/09/2022 22:10

Where do you live - my friends treat me like this and I’ve decided I need some new ones….

Serialcatmum · 25/09/2022 22:17

I’ve been here OP. It just hurts so much. And it takes you back to throws school days and the mean girls doesn’t it.

I’ve had to mute them on social media to protect myself and control if/ when I see pictures of them all together as I don’t need that kick in the stomach on my way ti work/ before a date night!

Start to move away from these “friends” OP and look for others around you that look like they work within your own values x

OldWivesTale · 25/09/2022 22:24

Is it possible someone in the group who you're not such good friends with has organised it and they forgot to invite you and the others just assumed that you had been asked? It just seems odd that they would do this and them post it on Facebook.

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 25/09/2022 23:01

ReluctantCourier · 25/09/2022 21:56

Oh I wouldn’t say anything btw- they’ll just get defensive and justify it which will feel worse! Not many people are mature enough to handle vulnerability from others.

So to be clear, you suggest allowing them to get away with it without having to justify their actions to anyone? Enabling them to do the same again - if not to OP but to someone else?

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 25/09/2022 23:02

dcadmamagain · 25/09/2022 22:10

Where do you live - my friends treat me like this and I’ve decided I need some new ones….

Me too! Are you in Yorkshire by any chance?!

Mrspige · 25/09/2022 23:04

I’d be annoyed too. A animator thing happened to me with some old work friends so I asked the one I’m closest to why I wasn’t invited. Turns out it was similar to a response youv e had where it had been suggested and arranged on a night I wasn’t there and they just forgot. Cheers! But I was invited to the next one. You need to bring it up or it will eat at you x

Cherrysherbet · 25/09/2022 23:13

It’s a really rubbish thing to happen. A really kick in the teeth. I’ve been there too. Delete/block and move on 💐