Unstable brother, elderly mother and cutting ties

[Harmonyrays]

AIBU to go NC with my brother?

My brother is nearing early 40's has adhd, aspergers and a long history of mental health problems (psychosis at one stage)This is life long from severe anxiety in childhood to The psychosis aged 18. He does not work, has no friends and has been extremely violent and aggressive in the past. Smashing doors in the house screaming and shouting, threats to kills BIL in front if his kids. Really awful behaviour but we have always put this down to episodes of being unwell. He's had medication inpatient stays etc. Now he's adamant he's coming off medication and wants nothing to do with mental health team GP etc.

He live with my elderly mother who tolerates all behaviour. He will keep her up for hours lamenting his life's sorrow. All the bad stuff that's happened to him, how people treat etc. He will also have rages where she is on egg shells around him. His behaviour has.meant family do like to visit. Myself included. I have 2 young DC who I take with me evey visit because they love their grandma and vice versa. However this.has meant they have witnessed a few of his rages. I get them.out as quick as I can and away at the time but I know its affected them. That's the background.

So He stopped talking to me about 4 months ago as he decided he couldn't trust me that I was up to.something eetc. I Wasn't its paranoia. This was hard for me.as he would.always contact me (not necessarily in a good way, but if he was upset or needed to talk rant etc) I did not enjoy these calls and they often left me very upset, took me away from my work or kids but I thought it was helpful in that he would at least leave my mum alone and give her peace. Not so it turns out as I would often hear he had been going on about the same thing with her for hours. I was very unwell last year myself entally because of him and his behaviour. I developed an eating disorder and was severely depressed because if him. No one in my family knows this but i ended up in therapy. So when i got my head around him not talking to me and began feel better he suddenly decided to start talking to me last night, in front of the kids. He ended up starting to accuse me again of not being able to trust me etc which the kids were hearing so I immediately said to the kids lets go and get in the car and go home. We live over 2.hours.away and it was about 8pm. Kids were crying they didn't want to leave but I could see where it was going. Anyway when they were in the car I had it out with him. He and mum then said not to go. He'd be quiet and to stay. Mum.was.so upset and had spent the day basically.telling me how she doesn't want to be alive anymore, what she wants for her funeral and it absolutely broke.my heart so I stayed for her
I'm crying now because.she is so broken emotionally and physically right now and this upset between me.and brother.is.not helping
It feels like.she is in her finally months/years and is just sad with life. We lost my dad a few years ago and she's never really got over that. I promised him I'd take care of them both. But I can't. He won't let me help and mum is in a codependant relationship with him.

What do I do? Need to be there for my mum.bit can't without having some interaction with my brother who is unwell mentally at times and generally a very difficult personality. I feel so torn and lost with it.

I haven't read the full thread so maybe repeating but I'd be inclined to contact both the disability social work team for your brother and the vulnerable adults team for your mother and see if they can give to guidance because that is a horrendous situation to be dealing with alone. Could your brother live independently? There's specialist accommodation available through social housing but you'll need evidence from a sw to help get things moving. Then could your mum maybe live with you or something to give her a rest, or perhaps just living alone with visitors would be enough for her to feel safe. It would be a huge change initially but probably safer for her in the long run. I would probably be wary bringing my kids there to be totally honest OP, I know they can maybe understand that he's unwell and doesn't process things the same way everyone else does but it could still be frightening for them.

Hi Op,

Ive been in the same situation as you and its fucking heartbreaking having to watch your parents being abused by thier child, and especially if they are resistant to taking steps to change thier situation. It completely fucked up my childhood and Ive been in alot of therapy for it!! Theres not much more I can really add that hasnt already been said but I would really reccomend looking up the charity SIBS. Its specifically dedicated to siblings of people with disabilties and they have great guides for adult siblings, on things like carers assesments and how to get support for people like our parents from SS. They offer a really good section on siblings that have had to deal with challenging behaviour and its so helpful to know that we arent alone, even if it can feel like we are. This situation is surprisingly common.

Why not let people know that this has driven you to therapy and that you are suffering with what is going on too? Hiding that isn’t helpful, your mum and sisters might get a clearer picture of what this is doing to you too? You are not invincible, this is all taking a toll on you.

It is a lonely place to be, be strong for you and your kids.

Good idea to contact SIBS. I didn't know anyone with a disabled sibling growing up and was told from a very early age that I would have to look after my brother all my life. It was what I was conditioned to believe I had to do. My mum didn't protect me from my brother when I was a child (he's ten years older) and she didn't protect my children from him either as keeping him happy was her sole purpose in life. Poor old girl. She had a really rough time of it.