DC is 8, but has processing issues due to dyslexia and dyspraxia. They also have attachment issues due to a genetic condition and trauma due to DV from ExH to me and ExH’s flakiness with contact (which the courts allow but is a whole other story). Because of this routine is key. They can cope with routine changes but need preparation. So if someone different is picking them up from school I tell them at the earliest opportunity. Similar if we go on a day trip or holiday I tell them in advance what to expect. They are usually pretty excited once they know whats happening and for me that’s part of the fun.
They absolutely can cope with other sorts of surprises such as birthday presents or Christmas, as they know what to expect i.e. it’ll be wrapped up and we have to say thank you when they’ve opened it. They also are fine if they’re prepared that something unexpected might happen, so when they have a special guest at school I might say “Just to prewarn you something you’re not expecting might happen at school today but it’s ok because Mrs Jones* knows it’s happening and will be there” they just need time to get their head around it almost. School literally have it down in DCs support plan that they must know about unexpected changes asap so they can go through the processes in their heads – it’s classed a reasonable adjustment. We even get told about fire drills in advance, so I can run through with DC before it happens what to do if they hear the fire bell at school (I never ever tell them exactly when it will happen as school still want there to be some element to it that’s unexpected just like if it was a real fire).
One of my parents hates this though. They want to be able to “surprise” DC by picking them up from school randomly or taking them on an unexpected day out, they forbid me from telling DC if they tell me they want to do something with them and then blame me when it all goes wrong and DC gets upset and refuse to leave school because they didn’t expect grandparent to be there instead of me or they panic on a day trip because they were expecting to spend the day with me/at home.
This happened again over the summer. My parent turned up on my doorstep and asked to take DC out and DC got upset and refused to go because they weren’t expecting gp to turn up. I wasn’t expecting it either otherwise I’d have prepared DC by saying “grandad/grandma wants to take you out for the day”. Parent then shouted at me saying I was pandering to DC and that their friends can just turn up to take their grandchildren out and they jump at the chance so I must be telling DC something bad about them.
I will add, DC behaves impeccably when prepared right, even on school trips because it’s talked about for a few days beforehand DC knows that they’ll get on the bus and go somewhere fun they behave themselves, it’s only when unprepared and not expecting it they freak out (and school do have things in place for this for them such as a TA being on “duty” if they panic during a fire drill but it’s never been needed). I also do days out in the summer holidays and my other parent takes DC out alone a lot and is happy for me to prepare DC however I need to including if needed telling them exactly whats happening. DC has got better over the years with most people they trust, so me, my other parent, school etc. now just say "We're going to be going to a castle, this will be what we do" but no longer exact timings and we can move things around if needed due to DC trusting us - so for example on a day trip I said we'd do X then Y then eat but X took longer so I said we'll eat first then do Y and DC coped fine with it.
So AIBU and pandering to my DC? Or is my parent just really not understanding?
*Not real name