Should I change his name.

heartbreakhotel20 · 2022-09-24T21:25:21+00:00

Need some advice please, have Posted here as I know it gets more traffic but also want to know if I am being unfair. Me and Ex partner have a young toddler son we have recently split up due to me finding out lots of lies and some very disturbing stuff. I won't go in to detail as 1 it's very outing and 2 as much as it might be relevant I really don't want to put it out there on the internet. I will say that due to what's happened social services have issued a report stating he can only have supervised access. My question is should I change my sons surname to mine are there many complications such as holidays where having different names is going to be an issue ? Also on a less practical level I want to have the same name as my baby but won't ever take his dads name now (that was the original plan as our wedding was cancelled due to Covid thank god). Is it agood idea to change his name or is it just another kick in the teeth for his dad, I know he is 100% in the wrong and agree he should have supervised contact but also understand he has lost everything and this will be another big thing for him to loose.

SpinningFloppa · 24/09/2022 22:29

If he is on the bc you need his permission

Atmywitsend29 · 24/09/2022 22:30

Afaik, if he has parental responsibility/is on the birth certificate you need his permission to change the child's name?

Is he on the birth certificate?

BattenburgDonkey · 24/09/2022 22:31

You’d need his permission anyway wouldn’t you?

Pixiedust1234 · 24/09/2022 22:38

You would need his permission to change it, and most refuse (for various reasons). Its going to be easier to change yours to the baby's name if you can bear it.

Original poster

heartbreakhotel20 · 24/09/2022 22:44

He is on the birth certificate and I think I could get him to agree due to the nature of our split. I absolutely can't take his name.
My main worry is things being difficult having to get written things for taking him on holiday Etc,

OP posts:

Ihatethenewlook · 24/09/2022 22:46

I’d change it op. It’s not hard. Ignore all the mumsnetters that regurgitate info they’ve read on here that isn’t exactly true. Technically you’re meant to have the fathers permission, but you can easily do it without it. You can go on the deed poll website and change the name for around £18 (more depending on how many certificates you need). There’s a little box you need to check to say that the father has given his permission, and it says next to it that they may contact the father to check that he has. They very rarely do though. If you do it and the father finds out and he’s upset, nothings going to happen to you. He’ll have to apply to the courts to get it changed back, but I’ve never come across a case of that happening.

Original poster

heartbreakhotel20 · 24/09/2022 22:50

Thank you that's very helpful, just to clarify as it may have come across that way, I am not planning to do it behind his back I will discuss it with him explain my concerns etc. just wanted to see if I was being unfair to bring it up.

OP posts:

Farahilda · 24/09/2022 22:50

Ihatethenewlook · 24/09/2022 22:46

I’d change it op. It’s not hard. Ignore all the mumsnetters that regurgitate info they’ve read on here that isn’t exactly true. Technically you’re meant to have the fathers permission, but you can easily do it without it. You can go on the deed poll website and change the name for around £18 (more depending on how many certificates you need). There’s a little box you need to check to say that the father has given his permission, and it says next to it that they may contact the father to check that he has. They very rarely do though. If you do it and the father finds out and he’s upset, nothings going to happen to you. He’ll have to apply to the courts to get it changed back, but I’ve never come across a case of that happening.

This is not accurate.

A name change for a child without consent of all those with PR is invalid.

If you think he will consent, then yes it is indeed very straightforward.

As is travelling with DC with non-matching surnames (take BC with you, get a consent letter from other holders of PR - probably even easier to obtain than consent to change name)

Googlecanthelpme · 24/09/2022 22:53

I would yes, in reality your child is going to most likely be referred to as your surname anyway by people who don’t know his legal name, from a practicality perspective it makes sense as you’re no longer with his dad and will never take his name.

I would simply mention it as a matter of fact “I am going to change DS surname by deed-poll as practically it’s may be a bit difficult if me and he don’t have the same surname” and just leave it at that. He knows why you’ll be doing it and if you don’t want to rub it in you don’t have to spell it out (although reading between the lines he probably doesn’t deserve such consideration now).

I would not like to have a different name to my children, I would say it might be a different case if your son was older and would understand the change in name and possibly confused by it but as a young child / toddler I would have no hesitation in changing it.

Ihatethenewlook · 24/09/2022 22:59

Farahilda · 24/09/2022 22:50

This is not accurate.

A name change for a child without consent of all those with PR is invalid.

If you think he will consent, then yes it is indeed very straightforward.

As is travelling with DC with non-matching surnames (take BC with you, get a consent letter from other holders of PR - probably even easier to obtain than consent to change name)

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I’ve changed my dd’s names, my sister changed her ds name, one of friends changed her dd’s name, and someone on mn also did with no issues after I gave them the same advice. I changed my dd’s names just over a year ago. I’ve just got new passports for them in their new names. The passport office asked for two pieces of documentation such as school/doctors letters with their new names on, along with the deed poll certificate to issue them new passports with their new names. I brought the deed poll certificates into their schools and doctors and they changed their names with absolutely no issues and sent them to the passport office, I wasn’t questioned at any point, no one even asked about their father. That is now their legal names and it is on all of their official documents. So how is it not accurate?

SpinningFloppa · 24/09/2022 23:02

Ihatethenewlook · 24/09/2022 22:59

I’ve changed my dd’s names, my sister changed her ds name, one of friends changed her dd’s name, and someone on mn also did with no issues after I gave them the same advice. I changed my dd’s names just over a year ago. I’ve just got new passports for them in their new names. The passport office asked for two pieces of documentation such as school/doctors letters with their new names on, along with the deed poll certificate to issue them new passports with their new names. I brought the deed poll certificates into their schools and doctors and they changed their names with absolutely no issues and sent them to the passport office, I wasn’t questioned at any point, no one even asked about their father. That is now their legal names and it is on all of their official documents. So how is it not accurate?

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Thank you for this! I spoke to a solicitor and was told the only way to change my dds name was through court and “judges never agree” my ex is absent and hasn’t seen dd for years, I recently posted in legal matters and was given the same advice “court would never agree” despite no contact at all with her father apparently it’s in her best interest to share his name 🤦🏻🤦🏻

Original poster

heartbreakhotel20 · 24/09/2022 23:03

Googlecanthelpme · 24/09/2022 22:53

I would yes, in reality your child is going to most likely be referred to as your surname anyway by people who don’t know his legal name, from a practicality perspective it makes sense as you’re no longer with his dad and will never take his name.

I would simply mention it as a matter of fact “I am going to change DS surname by deed-poll as practically it’s may be a bit difficult if me and he don’t have the same surname” and just leave it at that. He knows why you’ll be doing it and if you don’t want to rub it in you don’t have to spell it out (although reading between the lines he probably doesn’t deserve such consideration now).

I would not like to have a different name to my children, I would say it might be a different case if your son was older and would understand the change in name and possibly confused by it but as a young child / toddler I would have no hesitation in changing it.

Thank you this is really helpful. No he doesn't deserve any consideration but at the moment I am going to rely on some maintenance from him as I'm not working and we used all my redundancy money to clear his debts. So I'm trying to keep things as amicable as possible for that reason and for my son, as currently I am the one doing the supervising. I'm not ready to let anyone else do it incase they leave him with Ds. He's such a manipulator he had everyone fooled for a long time

OP posts:

Judijudi · 24/09/2022 23:09

Many women do not take their husbands surname and have children with a different surname it makes no difference whatsoever if you have a different name from your child.
Is the real reason that you don’t want your child associated with whatever his dad has done?

Original poster

heartbreakhotel20 · 24/09/2022 23:17

Judijudi · 24/09/2022 23:09

Many women do not take their husbands surname and have children with a different surname it makes no difference whatsoever if you have a different name from your child.
Is the real reason that you don’t want your child associated with whatever his dad has done?

I'm concerned as we are not together things might be difficult. Also part of it is because I don't want him linked to him. Trying not to give to much information out as don't really want it on the internet

OP posts:

BlooberryBiskits · 24/09/2022 23:31

I think you should change his name asap while he is still young enough to barely register his own surname

A childhood friend had her name changed aged around 8 or so & found it confusing. If things are genuinely over with his dad & you are the main carer then go ahead - PPs can better advise on how

Pixiedust1234 · 25/09/2022 01:08

If you think you could get him to agree now then do it as soon as possible. Dont wait as he could change his mind for no reason.

whosaidtha · 25/09/2022 01:47

Ihatethenewlook · 24/09/2022 22:46

I’d change it op. It’s not hard. Ignore all the mumsnetters that regurgitate info they’ve read on here that isn’t exactly true. Technically you’re meant to have the fathers permission, but you can easily do it without it. You can go on the deed poll website and change the name for around £18 (more depending on how many certificates you need). There’s a little box you need to check to say that the father has given his permission, and it says next to it that they may contact the father to check that he has. They very rarely do though. If you do it and the father finds out and he’s upset, nothings going to happen to you. He’ll have to apply to the courts to get it changed back, but I’ve never come across a case of that happening.

My mum did this and then was forced by the courts to change it back. I was 6 when it was changed and 9 when it was changed back. Very upsetting. And caused a lot of problems when I came to get my marriage license as she had lost some bits of paper and there are no official records. I had all different names all over the place. So much hassle.

Fraaahnces · 25/09/2022 01:54

I would do it if I could

SpinningFloppa · 25/09/2022 09:57

whosaidtha · 25/09/2022 01:47

My mum did this and then was forced by the courts to change it back. I was 6 when it was changed and 9 when it was changed back. Very upsetting. And caused a lot of problems when I came to get my marriage license as she had lost some bits of paper and there are no official records. I had all different names all over the place. So much hassle.

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Tbf many exes wouldn’t bother to go to court

Ihatethenewlook · 25/09/2022 12:49

whosaidtha · 25/09/2022 01:47

My mum did this and then was forced by the courts to change it back. I was 6 when it was changed and 9 when it was changed back. Very upsetting. And caused a lot of problems when I came to get my marriage license as she had lost some bits of paper and there are no official records. I had all different names all over the place. So much hassle.

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There’s obviously always the risk that he will take her to court to get it changed back. Most deadbeat dads don’t give enough of a shit to do so though. And it’s not like you get arrested or end up with a criminal conviction for it, it’s just a case of the dad forking out the time, effort and money of a small court case. It’s up to the individual whether it’s worth the risk or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ihatethenewlook · 25/09/2022 12:57

SpinningFloppa · 24/09/2022 23:02

Thank you for this! I spoke to a solicitor and was told the only way to change my dds name was through court and “judges never agree” my ex is absent and hasn’t seen dd for years, I recently posted in legal matters and was given the same advice “court would never agree” despite no contact at all with her father apparently it’s in her best interest to share his name 🤦🏻🤦🏻

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Don’t get me wrong, the way I’ve done it is illegal, you are meant to have the fathers permission. That doesn’t change the fact that there’s literally nothing stopping you from actually doing it though, and there’s no repercussions apart from the father having to take you to court if he wants it changed back. Like I said, the only mention of the father on the deed poll questionnaire is the one saying tick this box if you have his permission, we may contact him to check 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it is a little sexist in that if it was a man attempting to change the name then he would get questioned more closely. But all it took to get my childrens names changed on everything was me walking in with the certificate and asking them. I didn’t even go into the school, just emailed them telling them and my dd went in and showed them the certificates. Shockingly when I went into the doctors the receptionist didn’t even glance at the certificate, I just told her the new names and she said ‘and how are we spelling that’, and she changed them.