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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he should pay maintenance even if we don’t get on

27 replies

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 20:58

So I have a 13 year old daughter, I have raised her by myself her dad came in and out of her life for many years. My daughter sees his side of the family , when she visits she stays with his mum. He may pop in to say hi but for the most part he doesn’t bother apart from a text every now and again.

Recently she got very upset about the lack of time she spends with her dad, I reached out to him because of this. He said he would meet her after school and take her out, he never did. We do not get on, I admit I’m holding a lot of resentment for how he’s treated her over the years. She always says how awkward their relationship is but they get on well enough.

Anyway sorry for the long backstory, we have argued before because he would randomly give me £50 here and there and I wouldn’t say thank you to him. I asked him for some money this month, he sent a long message about how his money is tied up but hopes at the end of the month to send something. He then asked how I am, but we do not have a relationship like that, I didn’t reply quick enough, he sent a screenshot of thousands of pounds in his bank. He said if she doesn’t have holes in her clothes or no dinner he doesn’t care if I need money, I have no manners and I don’t show respect. He then said I am jealous because he slept with my friend whilst I was pregnant 14 years ago!!

His mum has now weighed in saying I know he wants us to have respectable conversations, he doesn’t like it when I just ask for money and would like to be able to talk about our daughters future! He doesn’t even know what school she goes to, what clubs she does, he knows nothing about her! Arghhhhh

OP posts:
Babyshadows · 24/09/2022 20:59

Go through child maintainance. Men like this seem to love control and seeing you beg.

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:00

The thing is he is all cash in hand, all off the books, I would rather not have anything from him, but i thought I was ask as I pay for EVERYTHING

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 24/09/2022 21:01

CMS is the way to go!

SpinningFloppa · 24/09/2022 21:02

I never get threads like this, if he won’t pay then just go through cms it’s that simple

5zeds · 24/09/2022 21:02

Nice of him to provide evidence of his bank balance. I’d contact child maintenance (and HMRC).

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:03

if it was that easy I would, he works cash in hand….

OP posts:
SarahSissions · 24/09/2022 21:03

Contact CMS, send the screenshots and say you suspect he isn’t declaring income to avoid maintenance.

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:04

Ahh, he cropped out all of his details on the screenshot, he’s not stupid

OP posts:
Stickworm · 24/09/2022 21:04

@Dazedtes so is essentially breaking the law and not declaring his earnings. So you contact HMRC and CMS.

RandomMess · 24/09/2022 21:04

Report him to Inland Revenue especially as he has sent you screenshot of his bank account!

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:04

I may do this anyway, can’t hurt. I have had enough of not doing anything and accepting less than the bare minimum

OP posts:
lemoncurdling · 24/09/2022 21:04

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:04

Ahh, he cropped out all of his details on the screenshot, he’s not stupid

Right but he is the sender!

BattenburgDonkey · 24/09/2022 21:05

If you don’t no if very well anymore you can’t be sure he doesn’t declare some earnings, go through CMS anyway and let them work it out. If they find nothing report him to HMRC.

TwinkleChristmas · 24/09/2022 21:07

Why are you trying to talk to him about your daughters future?

He doesn’t give a shit, he doesn’t even know what school she goes to.

YANBU to want steady cms from him though.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/09/2022 21:07

This post has infuriated me! He thinks you should thank him for contributing a few pennies for his own child, and ask more politely even

DottyLittleRainbow · 24/09/2022 21:07

CMS! You still have the message from him
of the screenshot saying it’s his bank balance. He is trying to use his cash to control you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/09/2022 21:08

...though he doesnt pay the legal minimu

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/09/2022 21:08

And then he sets his mum on you!? Arrgghh. Sorry having phone issues

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:10

No I don’t want to talk about my daughters future with him. He said I need some respect then we could talk about her future. To me he has no say about anything in her life

OP posts:
purpletangos · 24/09/2022 21:11

For pp saying to go to CMS - OP has said he is paid cash in hand. They won't care for a screenshot.

OP it's shit. My ex is the same. He pays nothing but does see his child fairly regularly. He recently had the cheek to ask if I sorted DS school uniform, I got mad at him as he doesn't pay towards it. His words then were, 'when DS is at his house he gets clothed and fed but at my house it's down to me'.

Some men are shit - they will get their karma!

Dazedtes · 24/09/2022 21:15

She doesn’t stay with him, she’s never stayed with him in her life. He only sees her if I bring her to his family. Am I crazy for not saying thank you?! Or even replying to his messages. I don’t think we need to have any relationship

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 24/09/2022 21:35

Go to CMS, even if you get nothing as he hides the money do it anyway, he will be looking over his shoulder waiting for that HMRC report to shop him. Hate men like this, why the heck should you be thanking him, it’s his legal obligation

Longdistance · 24/09/2022 21:48

He’s so pathetic. I’ve known plenty of men like this. They break up with the mother of their dc and then don’t see the dc because they’re a complete loser. Not interested in the dc at all.
I’d definitely contact HMRC wrt his cash in hand jobs and not paying CM. Feckless doesn’t even cover it.

Micecrospies · 24/09/2022 21:52

What should you say thank you for?
He is a useless father and thinks if he throws you the odd tenner you should be pathetically grateful.
get him reported to the IR and get on to CM for an official claim- even if it’s a few quid a week it makes him accept he has responsibilities.
he sounds like an utter loser.

whynotwhatknot · 24/09/2022 21:52

Report him to the hmrc he cant say hes living on nothing-ts all abut control the please be nice

my sisters ex done this just turned up ater years but wanted to talk nicely-absuive arsehole

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