To ask how to teach my female daughter to be more assertive?

[noliquidassets]

Okay, so I may be getting ahead of myself, but I have a toddler DD. I've noticed that with her big cousins (same age) she will be very passive/let them hit or push her/just hand over her toys. She isn't upset by their behaviour but doesn't react.
Before I get flamed, I'm not wanting her to batter them but it would be nice for her to push back a bit.
I do challenge and say things like:

No, you've both got one so you can keep yours
It's okay, you can move his hands etc

It's hard as I don't want to teach her to hit them though!

I am not a passive person with DH, and mine/DHs relationship is relatively equal. We are respectful to each other.

I'm just worried I'm doing something wrong

Best way is to model assertiveness yourself. Both in your dealings with others and with her. She’ll learn from your example. Still, sounds like she’s already better behaved than her grabby cousins.

You can’t change her natural personality, but as she grows up you can reinforce with her that she has the right to say “no” and to set her own boundaries. Be conscious about gender stereotypes without being prescriptive - reinforce that there’s no such thing as “girl stuff” and “boy stuff”.

Have a look at sites like A Mighty Girl to find books that you can use to help her www.amightygirl.com/books

Thank you both

Female daughter?

Female daughter...

My own female daughter was very passive for years, but since she reached 7/8 she has become much more assertive with her very loud big brothers. I have always taken her side and stood up for her when they were overpowering or taking advantage of her non-demandingness. I don't know if that has helped or if it's natural to become more assertive with age? I do think positivity and lots of praising of her strength and intelligence is helpful. Focus on self esteem building and pointing out situations where she could expect more.

My male son is the same.

Doesn’t always work.
I am known for being “assertive” but unfortunately DD is a bit of a doormat, always has been. When anyone did something to her she just looked sad.
She is 17 now and I think she is actually getting a bit better but I still fear for her

I wouldn't worry. She might just be quite chilled. My daughter was pretty chilled age 2 if other kids grabbed stuff off her, she generally accepted it and moved on. Different story now she is nearly 5!

My daughter was a bit like this when she was tiny and first started nursery and I had the same concerns, but then once she found her feet she did push back if she wasn’t happy with the outcome. She was always the smallest in the class and some did try it on but she wasn’t fazed and had no time for queen bee groups at school and just quietly and firmly got on with what she wanted to do.

she’s more introverted than I am but does have a silent, strong streak and quietly takes no shit. I didn’t adopt a specific policy (apart from telling her she could do what she wanted and was capable of and not to let her sex hold her back), but she’s surrounded by strong women in senior jobs, so I suppose she’s used to non passive women who are used to being respected. I expect the best thing is to lead by example 🤷🏻‍♀️

That confused me too

@noliquidassets

To add to what a few others have said, WTF does 'female daughter' mean? ALL daughters are 'female!'

Female daughter 😁

Teach her the same way you’d teach a boy. ‘I don’t play with people who are mean to me/don’t share/etc’ is a good one. And I use it sometimes with my own kids if they’re being brats 😄 shows that you are not a doormat.

A few things that I try to do (though no idea if they are helping):

1. Build confidence and self esteem
2. Teach her it's ok to say no, not just to other kids but also to adults . We role play this a lot. She loves role playing so it's easy.
3. Teach her that her voice matters and that what she wants matters to.
4. At her age definitely intervene if she's getting hit or pushed. You can give it a moment to see if she'll help herself but if she doesn't then you make it clear that this isn't behaviour she should tolerate.

Just wait and watch. It’s too early for it to mean anything. A woman’s balance of assertiveness and strength is hard to see till much much later.

OP probably edited her title halfway through and didn't realise she'd put "female daughter", let's not get hung up on a typo

My dd1 was the same. It was as though she worked out other kids took toys off her for a reaction, and when she didn't give one they'd leave the toy quickly and she'd toddle off to get it. DS always reacted though

Mine was similar at that age, would have just moved on to something else. Different story now at 4, more then able to stand up for herself!

How did you teach your male daughter?

Repetition is the answer.

Keep doing what you're doing and reminding her it's ok to stand up for herself.

i think its more to do with being a first or only child,second and subsequent children are used to standing up for themeselves

This teaching boundaries.
play and share nicely yes
put up with verbal insults no

this comes from love, talking, compassion and strong boundaries

By being assertive and opinionated yourself

owning your actions

my dd is hard as nails and kind with it

she takes no shit but also is the one who’s most empathetic

that’s because I wasn’t her best mate and because I pushed her from day 1 to not be a sheep. It didn’t always make her popular but she stands out in a group for maturity beyond her years

Well what did she mean to say then? “My female offspring”? It is really quite weird and no wonder people are distracted by it.

Apologies all, been v tired today just realised I've typed female daughter 😂 I meant to put female child or just daughter.

Oh no, my thread is going to be derailed by this typo. It did not mean anything. I have a daughter. She is a female. In my (admittedly, very tired and fuzzy) mind my OP title made sense lol.

Thanks to all who have posted advice.
I try to lead by example as did my mum. She is in a fairly senior position, and I have a profession and I am also retraining so DD sees me go out to work daily as well as once per week evenings out to learn.

I am a silent and assertive person, I don't like confrontation but I won't be pushed about by people.