AIBU to not want my mom in my or my children's lives?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

My mom and I haven't had the closest of relationships in over 5 years, which all started with her kicking me out and calling the cops on me at 15 (solely for me not talking to her - I no longer saw any point in arguing with her as whether I argued with her or not, I always got in trouble). She lied to the cops, our church, family, and family friends about me abusing her and my baby brother, me being crazy (by talking to myself - a normal thing for literally everyone), and all in all tried to make me out to be this terrible daughter, sister, and person all around.

I found all of this hard to believe as when I was still in high school, she kind of parentified me by making me drop off and pick up my brother to/from preschool (before and after I had school), I did grocery shopping, cooked dinner, cleaned around the house, bathed my brother, made sure my grandmother (who had dementia) was well taken care of, and always made sure everyone was okay meanwhile my mom was "fixing up" my grandmother's old house for us to move into (as we were being evicted after my mom tried to take our landlord to court over a refrigerator issue). Needn't I mention I felt all she and her friend really did was clean up the place some and install some new lights in the downstairs kitchen (which we didn't even use). I have a younger sister, but she wasn't the type to help out, which I can understand because neither of us we supposed to be in that position.

Longer story short, I stopped officially living with her when I was 17 before I graduated HS. I didn't want to invite her to my graduation, but did so begrudgingly as coerced by a close relative. Created a boundary with her that I don't like being touched by people I'm not on good terms with, which she constantly ignored when I tried to put my siblings between us, and she forced herself next to me and her arm around me.

Years later, I can be cordial with her, but still tried to keep her at arm's length (which I failed at numerous times after feeling bad I was going excluding my only mother/parent). She came with me to doctor's appointments my fiance couldn't make, gave me money for a car upgrade, offered to throw me a baby shower, and some more.

One night I called her just to check in on her. I don't know if she was drunk/high/etc., but she began rambling to me about things she said I did/said to her (which I never have; had to have been confusing me for my sister who had actually mistreated her). I took notes and confronted her about it about a week later after I had time to evaluate my feelings and whether I was just being hormonal and unreasonable. She basically blew up, started crying (a norm for her when confronted about her behavior/actions/words towards others), and again tried to accuse me of things I literally never did/said to her. We hadn't spoken cordially since.

I recently gave birth to my first baby. Throughout my pregnancy, my mom stressed me out, tried to lie to people about be saying I don't want her in my life, cursed me out via text, tried to down talk me at my own baby shower (that I ended up having to throw for myself after we had another falling out) to my fiance and future in-laws. She asked if she could come to the hospital while I was in labor, I had it so she came to visit only after my daughter was born. Despite us not talking, I made plans for her to come visit TWICE, but with restrictions since she wanted to bring my brother, but I told her he couldn't come if he was sick. She blew up again, told people I was keeping her from seeing her granddaughter, and might have to take me to court for "grandparent visitation rights".

WIBU to keep her from my kid(s) in the long-run?

You’re not unreasonable at all no - I think going no contact might be best long term

You are not being unreasonable. Sounds like you've tried your best but you have to do what is best for you, your new family and your own sanity. Would you want your daughter exposed to all that? Not to mention any possible bad mouthing about you that she'd have to listen to as she gets older. It's hard I know, you feel that you need to keep trying but if your mum won't meet you halfway/doesn't see anything wrong much less be willing to work on repairing your relationship who really benefits from your continued efforts? Not you or your daughter, and probably not your mum either as she won't appreciate the effort or value the relationships. It would be a waste of your precious time and energy to keep trying. Enough is enough. Best of luck x

Didn't bother reading all your long post because as an adult you have a choice who you allow into your life and your children's.

You are responsible for keeping your children safe from your family members.

Other people can judge but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors if they don't live in the household, and if they have been part of the household they often don't realise that some behaviour between family members is not healthy.

I think you've done everything you can. Many people including me wouldn't have given her so many chances

Unfortunately she cannot be the mother you deserve or the grandmother your Dc deserve.

I found becoming a parent really sharpened things for me. It was fine for me to suffer but hell would freeze over before I inflicted the same pain on my child.

You have to protect them now. I'm sorry your mum let you down so horrifically.

Thanks for the advice. I felt like I just needed an outside perspective on the situation versus just close friends/family I know weighing in on the whole situation. I also just struggle religiously and morally about how I should go about things with her. I want the best for my kid(s), whether they actually get both sides of their family or just one. I think it also just hurts feeling like I have to cut off basically my only parent with almost no one else to really look up to as a parental figure anymore.

A narcissist and a horrid person. I'm very sorry you had to put up with that from someone who was supposed to be a loving parent. End contact and don't look back

This! I think you would be utterly crazy and irresponsible for allowing such a toxic person around your child. Your job is to keep them away from people like her. Just because she's your mother does not mean your DC need to be subjected to her.

I also just struggle religiously and morally about how I should go about things with her.

Religion and morals are linked. Where did yours and the society you live in morals grow from?

You are being controlled and pressured in what how you are expected to treat your parent, but also how you bring up your children.

Your mother is an adult who is capable of sorting out herself or arranging other people/agencies to help her, your children do not have that capacity. Your children won't develop it fully until they are around 25.

If your mother's needs and wants get in the way of your children's needs and wants - however minor - just remember your primary duty is to your children.

Also don't forget your children's needs include having a mentally healthy parent. If your mother's actions impinge on you mentally - however minor - then you need to let her get on with her life without your involvement.

There is a long running thread in Relationships called "We took you to stately homes" worth reading and posting.

Raised in a Christian household. In my family, it's also wrong to disrespect your parents or talk back/go against what your parents say. My religion, however, also affects my morals in the sense of what I believe as wrongful treatment of others and/or your elders.

Are you in the US? There's no such thing as grandparents visitation rights in the U.K., but not many people here will know the situation in the US.

She sounds like someone I would not want around my children.

I do live in the US. Here, "grandparent rights" are only granted if there's reason to believe the child would benefit from the grandparent being involved in their lives, particularly if the child is supposedly unsafe with their parents.

So when she went around telling people she might have to take me to court for grandparent visitation rights, I found it completely disrespectful for her to (whether it be intentionally or unintentionally) accuse me of being an unfit parent to my newborn daughter.

I completely know and understand this. I moreso just needed to hear an outside perspective versus close friends and family who know the situation, as I'm consistently told she's my mother and that I should keep her in my life. If she's in my life, she's in my kids' lives, and I don't want them to experience any of the same mental/emotional trauma from her that I did growing up. She was around me throughout my pregnancy, and only saw my baby after she was born and once more when she was 2 months old only because I had her with me when I went to go pick up my younger sister from their house.

No keep her out of your children's lives.

Also plan then actually move away so it is difficult (and expensive) for her to travel to see you.

She can't prevent you moving with your children.

Oh and if you do decide to move only give her and those who will tell her 7 days notice.

You don't owe it to her to tell her everything about your life as you are now an adult.

I completely agree. Ever since I stopped living with her, I've always lived at least an hour away from her driving. Whenever I move, I actually try to have it so she doesn't know where I live, or just straight up not tell her. My younger siblings sometimes let it slip, though, so I can't really do too much about them unless I lie to them about where I move, too (which would prohibit me from really being able to see them).

I've also noticed that me blatantly keeping her at arm's length bothers her seeing how I refuse to have any more personal conversations with her. I uninvited her to my wedding once before when we had a falling out some time ago, got coerced into allowing her to come, and am now back on the verge of uninviting her once again.

I've considered blocking her number as she tends to keep trying to send me loving/heartfelt messages and prayers, and they tend to make me feel guilty, despite me knowing I have no reason to feel that way.