He’s moving in . Am apprehensive

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Been with my partner for 4 years. Unusual relationship in that we live 2 roads apart so no travel problem Used to stay together at his house a few nights a week. Eat together every night. See each other intermittently in day time.

Covid mean’t I returned home most nights. Dog and 25 year old son.
Little to no decline in sex life. Just getting up to go home at some point.

He has always spent some of winter in Southern Hemisphere with son and grandchildren. He rented always his house in the uk out for that 6 months.

he has now rented his house out from 1 Oct to 1 April. He’ll be away 3.5 months and I will be away 2 months..

long story short. I am shit scared. It’s only 4 weeks, 2022 then 6 weeks2023
( though I will be with him 2 months in NZ and Australia ) . I do get rent though it’s more investment in my house (decoration, upgrade) than designer clothes binge. Grateful as I would have taken longer to do this without this.

Doing up a couple of room we both can enjoy I would have delayed without this.

I want to make this work as it’s a relatively small ask but what do I do to set rules from day one?

please help xx

PS collectively we have lived alone (apart from mostly adult children) for 20 years for him and 10 years for me

If you’d prefer he didn’t move in with you now, can you have a chat with him and tell him you’d prefer to wait a bit longer before he moves in? If he’s a good partner, he should take it well and be understanding.

Listen to your intuition…

Eh?

Also meant to ask in my earlier post, but forgot - what are you scared of, OP?

Of course, you don’t have to answer, but it might be worth having a think about what it is you’re scared of/worried about. Is it because of something that’s happened or are you worried that might happen?

Either way, as a previous poster suggests, please please do listen to your intuition. If you’re feeling scared and uncomfortable about your partner moving in with you, just don’t let him move in (I know it’s so much easier said than done, but that’s what it comes down to).

I don’t think you should let him ‘invest in your house’ until you’ve trialled living together: it gives him rights.

What??

huh?

I didn't really understand a lot of your post but if you have doubts, don't do it.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

Fuck me some people are rude on here. It is not that difficult to work out if you have half a brain cell.

Ops partner had rented out his house for 6 months. He'll be away for 3.5 months and of that she'll be with him for 2 months. This means they are only together in her house here for 4 weeks in 2022 and 6 weeks in 2023.

Op you've not said what you are scared about and you should have an agreement in place to protect your ownership of the house otherwise he can claim profit.

You seem surprised now that it's a reality.

Was it your idea for him to stay with you?
If it wasn't your idea it must have been his idea. Because two people can't have an idea.
One person does then the other person agrees or doesn't express a different view.
Where did he stay before this when he rented his house?

Does he always come to you for his dinner or is it half the time spent in your house then half in his?
Is there a possibility you mother him and this relationship is very convenient for him.
That's fine but ask yourself why are you suddenly feeling trapped in a situation?

Hi op, unsure what you are actually apprehensive about, as he won’t be moving in permanently, will he? He’s just staying with you for a few weeks either side of his trip? Then going back to his own house once the six month period is up?

He's not 'moving in' with you though is he? He's just 'staying with you' for a few weeks 🤷‍♀️

I'm not really understanding your apprehension here really...you are in a long standing relationship, surely this is pretty standard...couples 'stay' with each other all the time 🤦‍♀️ It's normal!

Who does the laundry, cooking, shopping, cleani g, tidying, gardening, maintenance?

Men love moving in with women to get it all done for free!

Funny how it is never the other way round unless the woman does it all by default as feels it is expected of her.

Absolutely no way in hell would I go ahead with this!! Letting him pay to invest gives him rights to your property!!!

Wise up please you have been warned.

Are you worried that once he comes to stay in your house he will never move out?

Surely he's just paying rent not investing in the property. Lodgers don't suddenly have tights to their hosts property. Sound more like he's staying a few weeks either side rather than moving in so doesn't seem a huge deal under the circumstances.

What are you scared of? Staying at yours for a few weeks isn’t that different to staying at his several nights a week. And you’ll be together 24/7 for 2 months abroad.

Do you not want him to stay at yours? Did he ask first? Don’t you think he’ll move out? I’m confused tbh.

I'm not sure what's happening. Is he staying with you for a few months?

I do think that if you've become so used to living on your own and having your own space to yourself there can be some teething problems when moving in with someone else, regardless of how much you love them. But if you are feeling a sense of dread about the continuation of the relationship and you liked it more when you were 'separate' people as this just feels a bit too much then you're perfectly in your rights to put the breaks on. It's just I'm not sure if it's nerves or something more niggling about the relationship.

Thank you everyone for your messages. He is paying rent which I am choosing to spend on doing up a couple of rooms. As far as he is concerned he is not investing in my house he is just paying me rent.
His house is bigger and more valuable than mine. However I prefer mine.
I am not scared of him in any way but after two failed marriages I never thought I would be in another relationship.
We had worked together a long time ago and ended up in the same coffee shop four years ago. It was a very slow burn.
Our relationship is the best I have had and am scared this will change the dynamic.
i can be a catastrophiser and can see that that’s what I have been doing.

thank you for helping me realising it.

update
family due to lease his house have pulled out. I am pissed off as I have significantly reorganised my house.
However I am also feeling so relieved.
Made me do stuff I needed to do to improve my house for my dad 93, who stays every few days.
My house is now more lovely
learned a lot
thank you all xx