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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask about herpes?

14 replies

Anonpost789 · 23/09/2022 22:00

I have been dating a guy who has revealed he has herpes type 1.

Ill be honest I've been naive to this as its not frequently talked about.

Would it put you off dating? Aibu to be scared? I do like him and I haven't closed the door but just trying to figure out where to go from here. He has been very open and said he understands if I decided not to see him again.

OP posts:
coldfeetmama · 23/09/2022 22:02

I'd probably see how it goes with him , no rush for sex and full condom protection every time ?

Stickmansmum · 23/09/2022 22:10

Nah, 1/4 of the people you sleep with will have herpes but most don’t know it. As long as he’s not having an active outbreak it’s fine.

Aeio · 23/09/2022 22:14

Herpes type 1 is the exaxt same virus as coldsores. They reckon about 70% of the population has type 1 and many aren't aware 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's more likely than not that you have it yourself. He's also not likely to have regular outbreaks with hsv1.

surlycurly · 23/09/2022 22:15

He's not french is he... ?

Scuttlingherbert · 23/09/2022 22:19

By weird coincidence I have dated a couple of people with herpes.

My understanding is that you can pass on the virus when symptom-free because you can shed the virus without having symptoms and there's a tiny chance of passing it on even with a condom because it's a skin condition and there are still areas of skin not covered by the condom that come into contact.

However it wouldn't put me off. There's always a risk, it's just usually more unknown, and it's a great sign he was honest with you.

courtgou · 23/09/2022 22:23

I have herpes, no idea where I got it from and I may have just had it my whole life without knowing, I had the first outbreak when I hadn’t slept with anyone for over a year. That was around 6 years ago and I’ve not had another outbreak since unless they’ve been extremely mild to the point I didn’t realise.

It’s up to you how you feel about it but I’ve never seen it as a big deal and neither have any of the people I’ve slept with. I’ve been trying to conceive since 2018 so have been unprotected since then and haven’t passed it onto my partner. I was told it’s only contagious during an outbreak and most my research said the same but I haven’t looked into it since my first outbreak so advice may have changed since.

Blsp · 23/09/2022 22:24

Scuttlingherbert · 23/09/2022 22:19

By weird coincidence I have dated a couple of people with herpes.

My understanding is that you can pass on the virus when symptom-free because you can shed the virus without having symptoms and there's a tiny chance of passing it on even with a condom because it's a skin condition and there are still areas of skin not covered by the condom that come into contact.

However it wouldn't put me off. There's always a risk, it's just usually more unknown, and it's a great sign he was honest with you.

It really isn't a weird coincidence. It is just genuinely that common.

OP are you in the UK? Your best source of information is the herpes virus association herpes.org.uk/

tonightelmowillrise · 23/09/2022 22:38

I think something like 80% of sexually actively people (don’t quote me I can’t remember the exact figure and haven’t checked recently) carry the herpes virus. It’s really not a big deal

Chloefairydust · 24/09/2022 01:50

I wouldn’t judge someone for having the herpes virus, its very common.

However I hear the symptoms can be particularly unpleasant and painful for women, so I wouldn’t knowingly risk exposing myself to it either.

Defender90 · 24/09/2022 02:59

I have 1, I get cold sores.

I've been with my DH for 22 years, he's never caught it. I'm just super careful when I have a cold sore, separate towels, my own mug / glass, no snogging and no anything that places my face near his bits!

Friday123 · 24/09/2022 03:16

About 70% of people have herpes so I work under the assumption everyone I date probably does, and those that have never had a cold sore/genital herpes may be asymptomatic.

Type 1 typically causes cold sores but can cause genital herpes. Type 2 is typically genital. When a person gets herpes outside the type's preferred location (type 1: oral, type 2: genital) it doesn't tend to recur as frequently so if you get genital herpes from someone with type 1 you may only have one outbreak whereas if you get a cold sore you may have recurrent cold sores.

People who have the virus and are asymptomatic (so don't even know they have it) can pass it on.

There's a lot of stigma but it's generally a minor skin condition. If pregnant or newborn, there are risks associated with catching herpes, as with many other things. I think generally the attitude towards herpes is overblown puritanical fear mongering.

Friday123 · 24/09/2022 03:19

I voted you are being unreasonable because it's extremely common, but your attitude of seeking out the facts to make an informed decision is definitely not unreasonable 😊

EmmaC78 · 25/09/2022 18:25

If he has been honest about it, it would not put me off. As others have said it is very common and now you can talk openly about it you can discuss taking sensible precautions.

Original poster
Anonpost789 · 26/09/2022 14:35

Thank you all for your replies we had a good chat about it, as mentioned its not something I had much information on so done some research myself and as mentioned it is very common.

It's definitely not put me off him, I think it was initially a bit of a scare purely because of my lack of knowledge. But thank you all we are still taking things slow but I feel much better about the situation x

OP posts:
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