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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband making me feel like I've lost my mind

49 replies

zeroshitsgiven · 23/09/2022 14:27

Name changed but am a regular poster.

Just want some perspective having just had a huge row over nothing. Husband regularly does this. Says I've said something/asked him to do something when I 100% know I haven't and I know it's because he doesn't listen to me. Happened when I got in today and he swore blind I'd asked him to do something and I know I hadn't. It escalated as he says he feels like he's going mad when actually that's how HE makes ME feel - like I'm losing my memory. Am menopausal and particularly sensitive to the symptoms. But on this occasion and many others I 100% know what I said. I lost my shit a little as he was so insistent, which resulted in me shouting at him. And then all he can focus on is the shouting and it aaaaaall becomes my fault.

If that isn't enough he then got exasperated and came at me getting in my face - I told him to back the fuck off and he acted all hurt like I was accusing him of being violent. I have a violent ex (and he knows this) so I have zero tolerance for this. My husband has never been violent but I do not want him in my face when we're in the middle of an argument.

How can I handle this with him better? It's a repeated argument that I'm getting very tired of.

OP posts:

KikoLemons · 23/09/2022 17:43

Gaslighting is a deliberate act to make the other person think they are going mad. This is more like poor communication.

You say " the house is messy/ can you walk the dog after you've finished all your work" (also maybe while putting on your coat/ making tea/ clearing the table).

He hears, (while reading the paper/checking his emails/ eating his toast), can you do stuff after work/ dog/ messy house etc).

You then deny you asked him to clean, (because you didn't), and imply that it's his fault, (not listening/dementia / lying??). he is upset - he understood you wanted him to clean.

Then there's a row. Sounds like you need to be clearer and he needs to clarify.

DoItAfraid · 23/09/2022 17:45

Lolreally · 23/09/2022 17:31

If my partner said to me oh the house is messy, and I had the afternoon off I would definitely say what cleaning would you like me to do? And I would be very confused if they then turned that in to an argument about me not listening.

I have to say I agree with this post and the PP who mentioned poor auditory processing.

OP I say this kindly (I promise) but you do seem quite touchy and a bit snappy in your posts - and also quick to dismiss your menopausal symptoms - are you sure that sometimes you don’t forget things? I appreciate your sensitivity re the getting in your face but having read your example about the house being messy I think he was actually thinking of how to help. Personally I would be grateful for such an offer and I can’t really relate to why you got so upset instead of just clarifying “oh I am not too worried about the house but what I meant / need is for you to walk the dog”.

Alopeciabop · 23/09/2022 17:47

Test it. So next time using your example, instead of escalating into argument do this instead:

him: so what cleaning do you want me to do?

you: oh I didn’t think you’d do it, we can just wait for cleaner.

him: you TOLD me earlier you wanted me to do it!

you (innocently): Oh did I? Ok well that would be helpful. Maybe just do the bath.

Then you know if he’s trying to piss you off or just dense.

if he continues trying to argue with you - he’s a dick.

if he goes happily about his say, he’s a man with bad listening skills who just makes shut up in his head

how long have you been married? Is this new?

Original poster

zeroshitsgiven · 23/09/2022 17:52

I don't mean to be snappy or touchy, I guess I'm in a bad mood from the argument. I admit I do forget things sometimes - don't we all? But I 100% know what I said on this occasion.

We've been married for 4 years but together for 10. It's a recent-ish thing, as in the last 12 months.

OP posts:

CosyCandleGlow · 23/09/2022 17:52

Mine recently had an argument with me, saying I always complain about having no bills in my name.

I had to pause, as everything is in my name, or joint names.

So who has he been arguing with who complained that none of the bills were in her name 🥴

SpinCityBlue · 23/09/2022 18:00

Anyway, why do you have do direct him as to what cleaning to do? Er, clean some rooms, some stuff, the things that look like they do with a clean? Grow the fuck up??

picklemewalnuts · 23/09/2022 18:00

Drop the rope. That argument happened because you were trying to pin down who was right and who was wrong.

Don't bother. It doesn't matter.

"What cleaning do you want me to do?"
Oh I dunno whatever. Make sure you walk the dog though. "

Argument over.

Just accept that people- you and him- often get their wires crossed.
Doesn't matter.

Preemptedyou · 23/09/2022 18:01

Really sounds like a mountain out of a molehill

LizzieSiddal · 23/09/2022 18:02

I can see how he confused things in his mind. It was the insistence at what I said (and he has done this before) that annoys me. And the way it all escalates every time.

This is the issue. I do think in mos marriages things can get misheard/forgotten etc. However these occasions should not escalate like this has.
So when you’re both clam you need to have a chat about how you can avoid this in the future. To me it seems like he’s getting defensive very quickly and trying to blame you. Why he couldn’t have just admited he misheard you about the dog, only he can say!

LizzieSiddal · 23/09/2022 18:03

Really sounds like a mountain out of a molehill

Being upset because your H had shouted in your face is not making a mountain out of a molehill.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/09/2022 18:03

He may be deliberately gaslighting you but it doesn't sound like it. The thing with this is he could genuinely believe you said something and you could genuinely believe you didn't. I think there are occasions when all of us don't pay attention to what others are saying because we are doing something else, find the conversation boring or whatever. I have definitely known myself to not really be paying attention and just saying yes in what I hope is the right place. Sure my DH is the same but then we both genuinely believe we did/didn't say something.

3partypics · 23/09/2022 18:13

How is his hearing? When my DHs hearing started to go, there were a lot of mixed messages like the one you describe. Because it was a gradual process he hadn't really noticed but more and more he was either trying to make sense of what he thought he heard, or trying to read lips, often unsuccessfully. Turned out he had 40% hearing loss and since getting his aids these types of arguments have reduced massively! He was much worse if it wasn't a face to face conversation (i.e. between rooms or while one of us were washing the dishes, or when there was background noise).

SpinCityBlue · 23/09/2022 18:16

What cleaning would you like me to do?

Translation: I'm going to pretend that you're my mum, and to have to tell me what I have to do because my brain fell out. That'll teach you

I'm going to get in your face

Translation: you're not my mum now, you're my wife, I think I'll lean into your face because I know you hate that. That'll teach you

theemmadilemma · 23/09/2022 18:17

I don't see gaslighting here. It sounds like you both have shit communication and argument skills.

Why did it continue to escalate once it was clear it was a misunderstanding?

I can see how he might have taken away cleaning and the thing he remembered, shit happens.

You seem to have got in a cycle, and I expect it's almost fuelling itself now because neither of you is adjusting your communication and how you deal with this.

Original poster

zeroshitsgiven · 23/09/2022 18:22

Thanks, I've had some good advice and I'll take it on board.

OP posts:

Namenic · 23/09/2022 18:27

Say that he should assume that you are not asking him to do anything unless you write it down in a message?

Fireflygal · 23/09/2022 18:31

What would gave happened if you said "it's not big deal".

If he needs to be right then that's an issue but I think this does sound like poor communication.

orbitalcrisis · 23/09/2022 18:33

Your example sounds like you escalated things, you could have just said it was fine and not to bother, or thanked him and asked him to do xyz. On the other hand, getting in someone's face IS violent, you're both down playing that.

BigglyBee · 23/09/2022 18:37

It isn't about how you handle it. The problem here is him. Do you truly believe that this sort of thing is (regularly) a misunderstanding? Or can you see that maybe he knows exactly what you said, and wants to cause a row in order to avoid being made responsible for any domestic task?
Somebody is benefitting from this pattern and it isn't you.

inheritanceshiteagain · 23/09/2022 18:37

Wow. Classic gaslighting OP. My exH was exactly like this. Accusing me of doing things I knew I wasn't but planting such doubt in my mind, I ended up thinking, I know I haven't done xyz, but I must have done something. Total mindfuck.

He has to stop it and act more rationally if that is possible. Wasn't for my ex, but you may have a chance

Lolreally · 23/09/2022 19:25

I would ask myself if he is a nasty mean man who would deliberately gaslight me (my first husband) or a man who misunderstood what I said/meant (my current partner ) and go from there.

LivingMyBestLie · 23/09/2022 19:30

It sounds like a classic communication fail. Both of you feel unheard, misrepresented and maybe even manipulated.

So you need to think of ways to communicate better so neither one of you are too confused (everyone gets confused about who said what sometimes). Maybe don't have conversations in a hurry. Make a point of speak slower and summarising key info. Write down important instructions.

But also, you both need to be more forgiving. If neither of you are genuinely trying to hurt or gaslight the other, then you need to be calmer with eachother. Feel able to say "one of us must be confused, it could be me, it could be you, who knows. Let's move on".

You're insisting you were right but surely he isn't making this up. He thinks you're wrong. So there's no value in just staying you were right, as you may not be and it won't get you anywhere.

beastlyslumber · 23/09/2022 19:54

He's gaslighting you. And he's being aggressive and threatening to try to control you, stop you from arguing back.

Do you really want to live like this?

3luckystars · 23/12/2022 23:29

do you think there could be a medical reason why this has escalated in the last 12 months?

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