Difficult friend

[eatmyhat33]

NC for this but looking for advice.

I have a friend who I met through work about 12 years ago. We no longer work together but have remained in touch.

In many ways she is brilliant. She's funny, generous, we had some great mini breaks and days out together (before kids) and now we both have dc they get on well too.

But it's like she has a split personality at times. She takes offence to the smallest things and really flies off the handle. She rants and raves about people and says really nasty things. She can be very bitchy and controlling. If you piss her off you know she will be bitching about you and she has in the past deleted me off Facebook then re added me when she calmed down.

My approach is to just let her get on with it. The good outweighed the bad. But as I get older I struggle more and more with the drama and walking on eggshells. I had to cancel plans last week as dd was unwell. She's been offish with me since and I just can't be bothered with the bad feeling. She often wants to drop in and seems annoyed if I'm not available but she regularly cancels long standing plans with no valid reason.

It's hard because I would be sad to lose her friendship completely and we have mutual friends. But sometimes I feel like she makes me anxious. Like if I do something wrong she'll be pissed off, slagging me off and giving me the silent treatment. I'm not sure how to approach this anymore.

How old is she? There is no need to treat people badly but do you think she might have depression or anxiety due to peri menopause? That can make people act irrationally. Stop with the contact. Let her get in touch with you. You aren't getting anything from the relationship so why continue to get hurt? Radiators and drains x

We aren't at that age yet but she does have some MH issues that do contribute to her temper sometimes I think. It's very difficult. I value her friendship when she's being the kind, funny version of herself but I find myself constantly worrying if I've offended her in ways that I don't even need to think about with other friends. It is quite draining.

I'd let the friendship slide to be honest. A friendship shouldn't be such hardwork.

I've had friends who have been similar, one in particular. We were very close in our early to mid 20s but while she was kind, generous and funny at her best, she could also be mean, possessive and moody at her worst and we just grew apart. Things like getting really funny with me when I said I couldn't spend a Saturday night with her because I was with my BF (now DH) I haven't seen her in years now and to be honest, I don't find myself missing her.
Personally I just don't do serious drama anymore at all, but towards the end I'd just see her in very small doses, a shopping trip here and seeing her at the odd party or BBQ- like I said we were early to mid 20s at the time.

NC

OP I could have written this post myself. I don't know how you best manage things, I haven't yet figured how to. My friend also flies off the handle at the smallest thing. She reads into everything, overthinks everything and makes alternative assumptions for peoples actions. She is paranoid that everyone is out to do wrong by her. There is always a drama with her and I am so very sick of it tbh. But, at the same time we have a good laugh together. We've been friends for 30 years and practically grew up together. She never used to be like this. As she has got older she has developed a nasty and manipulative streak and turned very selfish. I cant help but think that she is only ever out for herself or what she can get out of something. Her actions speak volumes, and I have caught her out a few times. As an example, several of us went for a bike ride. She purposely got us lost so we would all stay out on the ride longer as she had no one to go home to that day. I know for a fact that she purposely got us lost. During the bike ride when it was suggested we go home, she commented on how she is usually out riding a lot longer than we had been and was disappointed we were going. The next thing, she is showing us all the way home which she said was a short cut she had used before, allegedly. That was a lie. It took us another 1.5hrs to get home. Several of us needed to be home at a certain time for various reasons and were late.

Sorry OP, no words of help but I feel you.

I absolutely could not continue a friendship with someone that dramatic. She sounds far too volatile and hyper-reactive to be worth the bother. Deleting you off social media after a temper tantrum and then re-adding you when she's calmed down? Is she 13 or something?

I can't bear that kind of OTT dramatic behaviour and I would walk away.

Friendships should not be hard work.

This find myself constantly worrying if I've offended her in ways that I don't even need to think about with other friends. It is quite draining.

I know exactly how you feel

Yes she also seems to draw her own conclusions for peoples (often totally innocent) behaviour and make out that it's somehow a personal attack on her. When she goes off on one the language she uses about other people is really awful and personal. It's not nice to think that I have potentially been a target of it because I know how brutal she can be.

I always know when she's in a mood because she goes quiet and stops liking things on social media. I know how childish and pathetic that sounds but she happily tells me how she goes around deleting or muting people when she's annoyed with them and so I notice when she's done it to me. Especially because I know how active she is on social media and when she's happy she's liking and commenting on everything.

Some of her ethics don't really align with mine either but that's another story. She's done a lot for me - played an integral part at my wedding and is godmother to one of my children. Also arranged a lovely baby shower for me and paid for me to go on a spa weekend with her when I was having a tough time. So she can be really thoughtful and generous too. But it means nothing when there is an expectation for me to toe the line and drama when I don't.

I think you need to call her out on it, OP, because it really boils down to a lack of respect. Next time she gets in a mood and starts ranting, tell her that you don't want to listen to bitching and to please change the subject. If she's off with you and then gets in touch all nice again, ask her why she's been so grumpy and tell her that you don't like being treated that way.

I'm sure she likes you alot, OP, but she doesn't respect your feelings and expects you to be there for her regardless of her behavior. You need to pull her up on this. There's no way, for example, that she'd treat her supervisor at work like this, it's a choice to behave this way. Good luck!

I don't know, she used to have some real rows with our supervisor when we worked together. It was several years ago now but she wouldn't back down even with more senior people. I used to get the impression that they were either scared to have a run in with her or just bad at managing people.

If I called out any of this it would be instant drama. But you are right that it's not acceptable and the adult thing to do would be to say something. As it is I tend to just lie low and wait for her to get back in touch when she's ready. But in the meantime I waste far too much headspace on it which is stupid.

I have a rule - if my gut reaction upon seeing a person's name popping up on my phone with a message is anxiety, then I know it's time to get rid of that person from my life. I have known my best friend for 35 years and I have never once felt any kind of dread at what she might be about to say to me. I think that's a decent rule to live by.

@FetchezLaVache that is a very sensible approach.

She does sound like hard work! I'd still call her out and let her get dramatic, it's her problem, tbh. I imagine she doesn't have that many long-term friends as she's so moody? If she falls out with you, she'll regret it.

She is paying no consequences for her behaviour. Could you say something like: l am struggling with how you spoke to me last time so not up to meeting up at the moment. You are a person too who deserves to be treated well.
I had a neighbour..not a close friend..who absolutely ripped the head off me over a minor mistake l made..l completely shunned her from then on. She said..what's up with you as if she had no memory of her outburst. I said l am not used to being spoken to like that so let's leave it there. No way could l be friends with someone so moody.
I wonder if she has bipolar as in my experience they can let rip and think nothing of it next day. And are very sensitive to how others treat them.

I have a friend from school and during covid our friendship went that way.

I find her very rigid and whenever I finished a call, I felt drained/sad/angry.
We don’t live near each other and rarely meet which doesn’t help maintain a friendship but in another way makes things easier as I don’t enjoy her company.

We had two mini breaks pre covid and I didn’t enjoy either of them.

Sometimes it’s better to take a big step back.

The behaviour you’re describing, if it were coming from a husband or partner, would be described as abuse or controlling behaviour. Nice at times to draw you in, then nasty to keep you ‘In your place’.
The answer from Mumsnet is usually a loud and clear LTB!

Having MH issues amd depression is not an excuse to treat others badly and you don't owe her your company.

Are you a people pleaser OP? Like you, I was afraid of upsetting my "friend" and used to apologise for not being available or whatever it was that made them turn sullen.
It's them not you.

I would just let the friendship fade or just tell her outright that you no longer have anything in common.

She doesn't respect you, so show her that you will respect yourself and not have anymore to do.with the drama.

She sounds a bit like me in some ways although I'm not nasty. I have ADHD quite badly, I react extremely to things and struggle to contain my deep deep well of emotion. MH doesn't excuse how you treat people though, if I am about to fly off the handle I remove myself and tantrum in private. I have the freedom app to block things like Facebook so if I feel an "episode" coming on I press a widget on my phone and that's it, for two hours I can't access things so I'm generally safe. Those measures sound dramatic but I need them, and it stops me from doing something I regret.

This sounds exactly like a friendship I had and it's really tough to deal with.

I put up with it for seven years and then she had an outburst over me going to an event without her (even though she'd told me she was working so couldn't attend). I refused to back down or apologise for attending and she lost it, the rage was insane. We fell out and didn't really speak for a year. We have mutual friends so I could never cut her off completely but now we're in a good place - I can have a chat and laugh with her but we're not close friends. I will not allow her to get close enough to me that she feels she can control anything ever again, and I'm so much happier for it. No more anxiety, no more paranoia, no more panicking if I've forgot to get her "approval" to do something I wanted to do. It was honestly like an abusive relationship at times. No true friend would want to make someone feel that way.

I'd advise pulling back from her and not putting in any effort, but there'll likely be an outburst coming your way because people like that live to control others and can never be in the wrong. Stand your ground and disengage. You don't deserve this. Your future self will thank you and love you for it! Hope you're okay, it's such an awful experience to endure.

I think I would have to let her go. Friendships should be relaxed and easy. Her generosity seems to come with a price.

My best friend of 37 years became like this and I felt more and more wary around her. Until she started turning on me and her morals and ideals became intolerable for me. Covid made it worse and I e had to distance myself from her for my mental health. No friendship should be that difficult