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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What’s a normal level of involvement with nieces and nephews?

45 replies

drunkinthebackofthecar · 23/09/2022 12:35

Trying to sense check if me and DH are being unreasonable here!

We’ve just come away from a weekend with my extended family. My sister had my niece about 18 months ago. I’m one of 5, so there’s a lot of us, and we all live quite spread out, so it’s only the 3rd time we’ve ALL been together with my niece since she was born (although we’ve all seen her more than that). I came away feeling a bit confused and drained as I found that my siblings - particularly my 2 brothers - were just OBSESSED with my niece! It was a bit overwhelming - constant need for everyone to get down on the floor and play with her, pass her things and pass her from one to the other… when my sister and her husband put baby to bed they all had an argument over who got to read her a story and it meant my sister said she could have 3 stories. By the last one niece was clearly over tired and was crying.

It was like this the whole weekend! They’re just completely obsessed with her. I think she’s really sweet and I like spending time with her but I’m able to focus on other things when she’s in the room - I just felt like no one was having any kind of conversation. My sister even thanked me at the end of the weekend for making so much of an effort to chat to her about her work!

Anyway, in the car on the way home DH and I were discussing how OTT we found it. Then we were wondering if we’re the odd ones out maybe we’re in the wrong! Is it normal to be so obsessed with nieces/nephews?

OP posts:

caringcarer · 23/09/2022 15:14

I have 4 sister and 3 are older than me. When I was a teen growing up I spent hours taking my n&n out, babysat, organised their birthday parties, made tents for them in garden, took them swimming and Saturday morning cinema. My eldest niece was 10 before I had my first child and my eldest nephew was 8. He used to spend every Saturday with me. At that time I loved very close to most of them. Then I moved 3 hours drive away with DH and our 2 DC. We saw a lot less of n&n however we remain incredibly close. I took n&n on holiday with me one at a time for 2 or 3 weeks each year. I was invited to all their graduations and weddings and when they had children I rushed back to see them in first week of their life. My n&n often come to visit me both at home and in my holiday home in France. I help them out whenever I can. My children are also incredibly close to their cousins and Aunties. I feel like when I eventually die my children will have strong family bonds with their Aunties, Uncles and cousins. I find that comforting to know they won't be alone in the world and will always have someone to turn to.

Cocktail70 · 23/09/2022 16:05

When my own sister became an aunt to my two children (she was in her 30s when they were born), she "tolerated" it for 2 years and then she went no contact with our family. She said my mum didn't care about her any more and was obsessed with my kids. 7 years has now past and we've never seen or spoken to her once. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel but I will never ever forgive her for leaving our family because she was jealous of my children.
I have one niece through marriage. We only see her once or twice a year. We buy birthday and Xmas gifts. My kids are older now so in different life stages

Hallowbat · 23/09/2022 16:12

My kids ‘aunties’ dumped them when I left their dad, not even a birthday card or a text message to say happy birthday since by one of them and probably twice since we left off the others so none in their case

Original poster

drunkinthebackofthecar · 23/09/2022 16:14

That sounds very extreme @Cocktail70 - I guess at the end of the day she’s the one who was missing out. I imagine maybe some previous backstory though?

We’re lucky, my Mum has been great at not becoming “just” Granny now. She’s very much still a woman in her own right, and our Mum! Although she was always like that as a mother. I wonder if that’s what’s so strange about seeing my siblings behaving like this, because my parents never do!

OP posts:

Arbesque · 23/09/2022 16:43

If it's the first grandchild then yes they are often the focus of everyone's attention. It's the novelty of having a baby in the family for the first time in years.

My sister,who's not particularly in to babies,was pretty invested when the first nephew came along, but hadn't huge interest in his siblings.

10HailMarys · 23/09/2022 17:21

It's the first baby in the family, she's still at a very cute stage, and it's probably what they feel uncles are supposed to do. There's no rule book for this stuff really. I suspect everyone will chill out a bit more as she gets older and/or more come along.

It sounds as if there is a part of you that might be a tiny bit resentful of the attention your niece getting - not because you're jealous of a baby (at least, I hope not!) but because, as you say, it's changed the dynamic a bit and you didn't the same one to one conversations that you'd normally get with your brothers. I do get that - I've definitely had occasions where I've met up with a good friend and felt that our closeness just wasn't there any more because her toddler and his needs naturally just monopolised the whole afternoon and we didn't really get to talk about anythng else, share jokes etc like we used to. And that can feel sad, definitely. But I promise it will get better.

londonrach · 23/09/2022 17:35

I don't think there's a normal...I'm vvvvvvv involved on my neice and nephew life (neice and I talk every day on what's app and she early teens). Other nephews and niece sadly vvvv limited access as we eat a very varied diet whilst they vvvv strict vegan and my sil refused to let DD aged 5 sit next to her DD aged 12 at a special meal as my DD was eating sausages (she had had an awful time sickness wise due to a awful situation at school so I went with whatever she felt like). Result DD in tears as felt she done something wrong. Luckily neice is lovely and sat next to her later after we eaten and spent time but sadly limited contact but we keep trying. No normal.

SoyMarina · 23/09/2022 17:41

Interesting.
I am one of 5 siblings too.
I was first to have children.
My siblings loved them and payed them lots of attention until they had their own children. Then they lost interest in mine and became obsessed with their own children.
It was a relief!

Queensize · 23/09/2022 17:55

DHS family were like this with dn... I found it bizarre. We went to a children's park and it was literally a group of seven adults following a toddler and commenting on her every move. All a bit cringeworthy. Now there's more than one DC it's mellowed!

Queensize · 23/09/2022 17:57

I also don't think it was a case of 'lucky dn' - by the time other DC came along she was totally used to being the centre of the world and took it quite hard.

Original poster

drunkinthebackofthecar · 23/09/2022 18:06

Queensize · 23/09/2022 17:55

This is exactly what it’s like - it’s so intense! I can imagine it’s a bit unsettling for her in a way, she must feel so overstimulated!

OP posts:

garlictwist · 23/09/2022 18:20

I have two nieces (my sisters children). I have no kids and no does my sisters brother in law (her husbands brother - keep up!). This means that they are the only children in the family.

I think we are all fairly involved in their lives and that they dominate proceedings when we are together, choosing which of us does their story and bath etc.

Maybe if there were other kids in the family it wouldn't be this way but I like being involved. Although last year I went trick or treating with them and I heard one of the other mums whisper to someone that they thought it was weird I'd come when I had no kids. That hurt.

Rowen32 · 23/09/2022 20:07

Yes, I've seen this and I think 18 months is where it can get even worse as at that age you're able to engage more and do stuff with them..
From my point of view it comes from huge insecurity in the person, a wanting to overly attach and control because family is all they have, ultimately it won't last as child will go their own way and not want that adult involvement but it is hard - sounds like the reasons behind it are different in this case but yes, I've definitely seen this obsession and it is hard cos you can't have adult conversations.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 23/09/2022 22:41

Ooo 2 actors and a musician in the family? Would it be rude to try and guess who you are OP? 🤣 x

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 23/09/2022 22:43

Sorry 2 musicians and an actor*

Tabitha888 · 23/09/2022 22:45

I've got the first baby in the family and everyone is overwhelming af with her. Your sister will be so glad you ain't xx

newjobwhodisperhaps · 23/09/2022 22:55

My family (parents and siblings) will sometimes turn up 3 days in a row at bedtime to try out manoeuvre each other so they can read my DD her bedtime story and give a cuddle good night. Or they'll rock up randomly in the day to drop off some little thing they've got her.
We all live within minutes of each other however.
My DD adores them and absolutely loves hearing the doorbell ring and seeing if it's one of them.

Families are all different.

Charles11 · 23/09/2022 22:59

Oh, we were all obsessed with the first baby in our family. She was just super cute and totally fascinating
She's a teenager now, as is my nephew and they still spend time with us and chat on the phone.
My dc are close to their uncles and aunts too.

MarigoldPetals · 23/09/2022 23:00

How long is a piece of string?

FacebookPhotos · 23/09/2022 23:28

I look back and cannot believe how much we spoilt the first baby in our family! Mostly in terms of time and playing, but also lots of unnecessary gifts. He's grown into a reasonably nice 15yo though, so no harm done. I don't remember actual arguments about bedtime stories, but my sister (the mum) was really quite strict about bed time routines, even on family holidays.

With all other nieces and nephews they get lots of attention too and always have someone willing to get down on the floor to play. I don't think it is particularly strange for aunts and uncles to want to spend time with the children in their families.

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