to be in a complete tailspin over this and if so, how do i deal with it?

[inapicklegalore]

Let me firstly say that I am totally pro-choice and I am also the type of person who really doesnt tend to let what other people do bother me in the slightest. So long as my family and I are happy, then that is ok with me.

So I am in a complete muddle today; because the way I feel (very very upset and angry) has put me on completely foreign territory. A friend of mine got pregnant and has had an abortion. May I add this has happened to friends before and I have never felt like this, so why now? I think I feel this way because of a few things.

1. This is not a young girl, my friend is in her thirties and should know better than have completely unprotected sex...
2. She is also very religious...to the extent that she challenged me on my mixed religion marriage and plans on how we plan to bring up DS. So how does she rationalise abortions with her religious views?
3. She veers from one disaster to another TBH, the last one was getting involved with a married man and hoping that he would leave his wife and 2 young children.
4. She found out and within 2 days had an abortion. 2 DAYS! This girl has spent more than 2 days deciding whether to buy a pair of shoes she likes!

I dont want to come across as horrible or judgemental and be flamed - but I'll come to my dilemna.

She wants support from me - and normally I will sit and listen to her justify her side (yup - sat quietly while I was 8 months pregnant as she explained how his wife didnt understand him and how unhappy he was in his marriage - privately praying that no woman would ever be happy to get involved with my DH knowing he had a family).

But this time, I really dont think that I can give her the support she needs. I know that makes me a terrible friend - and I really should be thinking about how she is feeling and what she is going through..but I can't. I cannot sit quietly and listen to her talk about it all. FGS - did she not realise what she was doing having unprotected sex?

Is this all because I am a new mum? I am so so upset with myself for feeling this way - but really dont know how to change the way I feel. And if I cant change the way I feel - then how do I support her?

Any suggestions welcomed as I am truely lost over how I deal with this.

sorry for mammoth post

I think if you are her friend you should support her. It may not be what you would do personally, but that's not how friendship works. You might want her help one day.

Difficult situation.

She should know better than have unprotected sex. Yes, perhaps, but it is not so unusual.

Religion. There are many religious people who are pro choice.

She seems to have a very different attitude to life from you. I can imagine that a lot of your conflict stems from her affair with a married man.

How old is your lo? Is she the first of your friend to have an abortion after you became a mum? I do think that once you become a mother that you view abortion differently. It is not an abstract discussion anymore, it is the termination of a pregnancy.

Message withdrawn

I think you just need to tell her you are the 'wrong audience' for this particular problem. Or at least tell yourself that if you feel angry when she talks to you about it.

I know for example that I would find it incredibly difficult to support a friend who terminated a child for say, Down's Syndrome. No matter how close a friend they were I would not be the right person to be supportive. I wouldn't wish them ill, I would see them as having the right to choose whatever they want with their body/baby but I wouldn't want to know about it.

If it's really upsetting you to listen to it, tell her that. If not just remind yourself you're not mean, you're not a bad friend you're just the wrong audience.

I don't agree that support is unconditional- I think friends should also consider who they are asking for support from. I would never ring up my friend who lost a child the same age as ds2 and ask for support regarding ds2 for example. I would never ring my cousin who is having trouble ttc with pregnancy related problems (or abortion related ones come to that!). If you are 8 months pregnant she should have the sensitivity to realise that you're potentially the 'wrong audience'.

Message withdrawn

You can support her and respect her choice without agreeing with her decision,iyswim.

You can listen to her, but you don't have to say that you think she did the right thing.

You can say supportive things like,

you made the choice that was right for you
you did what you felt was for the best
i understand that you must have felt terrible

etc etc

Just because it only took her 2 days to decide what to do doesnt mean she is callus in anyway, and people in their 30 also make mistakes and DO have unprotected sex, its not clever but it does happen. Also getting involved with a married man is not the brightest idea, but he obviously charmed her and fed her full of shit if she though he was going to leave his wife.

None of these are good reason for you NOT to support your friend, you are being very judgemental imo. She is allowed to make mistakes however stupid they may be, hopefully she will learn from them with the support of a good friend

oh that was a different time wasn't it, misread. Still, if you're the wrong audience you're the wrong audience. Abortion isn't something that happened to her, it was her choice- and you don't have to support friends through every choice they make iyswim.

I do understand some of how you feel - I posted a while back about my sister having an abortion which upset me a lot - I'm pro-choice too and have supported other friends who had abortions so I wasn't sure why it affected me so much - I think it was partly because I'm a mum now and couldn't imagine not having my baby, whereas before I had DS, having a baby was quite abstract and it was more difficult to relate a foetus to a real baby. Maybe being a mother is partly why you're affected by it so much too?

Was the baby the married man's? Are you maybe more upset because of the affair and her not considering his wife and kids?

I'm not sure I have any advice, other than to maybe step back from it for a while and say you're finding it difficult to deal with at the moment but will support her when you've sorted out how you feel.

You're allowed to disagree with your friends but it's her life. I guess she can do what she wants. You can point out the other side of the fence though too, like how the wife and kids would feel, how she was a bit of chump to get involved with a married man. The abortion thing, well, I'd not judge her on that openly because she will be feeling fragile.

I sound like I disagree with abortion now, which I don't , have a few friends who've had 'lifestyle' abortions which I could easily have listened to for hours (although none of them needed support tbh- they were all quite matter of fact about it), but I know that when that emotion kicks in it's something you can't do anything about. And it can put you in the position where whilst you might wish them well/speedy return to normality etc you really can't offer emotional support. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Message withdrawn

Yes- 'as much as you feel able to'. I think that's the important thing. If it's making you mentally unwell then its time to withdraw. Always best to do it as subtly as possible though imo. Hopefully she'll pick up the vibes anyway.

I think I'd feel more annoyed at this girl for the times she bent your ear about what religion you're going to bring your kid up and the times she was seeing a married man! Both those aspects of her personality have already turned me off from her, far more than the abortion thing. I don't think you are on the same wavelength by the sound of it and she sounds pretty selfish and judgemental. And that is purely based on the seeing a married man story and the holier than thou story. The termination thing wouldn't bother me nearly as much but i can see why it might be the last straw for you! Does she give you support? Or do you just find her using you for support and not reciprocating? If so, I think you should rethink whether you want to carry on the friendship. To be bending your ear about abortion and about splitting up a family with young children when you are a Mum shows incredible insensitivity on her part. She sounds a little self obsessed and loopy loo.

thanks everyone.

i think the reason i feel the way i do as some of you have rightly pointed out is because i am now a mum (DS is 20 weeks) and isnt just abstract, it is a baby.

I guess I need to leave my emotions out of this, as they are what are muddying the waters. I have my DS and that is all I need to focus on.

yurt1 - could you have a look at my postplease?

sorry for hijack

pea - no she vents all the time and goes from one dilemna to another TBH. She doesnt really take advice, so I never really give it and just let her pour her feelings out.

Oh, I have a friend like this. She goes from one disaster to the next and basically does not need a friend, she needs a listening post.

I think though, that it would be in your best interest to take a step back. Be honest with her. Tell her that you cannot deal with this at the moment as your emotions are clouded by your new feelings that you have for your baby.

ok if she is your best friend then im afraid i would swallow what i really think and support her , shes probably madly jealous of what you have and is acutely aware of her mistakes. I say give her a break and do tea and symapthy ,then you will be there to share her joy when her life works out and she will be there for you when yours doesnt.

iwouldgoouttonight, how is your sister getting on? And you, more to the point?

inapickle, could your friend be lying? Does it strike anyone else as odd she was able to get an abortion done 2 days after finding out she was pregnant? (Or am I being naive that a private clinic would wait longer than that?)

kinder - think if i did that, the friendship really wouldnt ever get back on track. i think as others say - I need to be there for her to vent and mentally and emotionally withdraw myself from the situation.

LOL at water - harsh but fair words.