8 year old tantrums or something more?

[TulipVictory]

Posting here for traffic. I will try to keep it as brief as possible but try to best describe my daughter. I feel at a loss with where to go from here to be honest and how to make this better.

My daughter is 8 years old. I have two other children who are 5 & 2. For as long as I can remember and even before she was 1 year old. She would have absolutely huge tantrums for long periods of time just out of the blue over tiny things. She would throw herself on the floor and scream and scream for ages and get really angry and nothing would calm her down. My husband was saying earlier she hates being laughed at or people thinking she is silly. He says he clearly remembers that during her christening on her 1st birthday, she dropped her biscuit and a family member laughed at her and she just burst out crying.

Anyway the tantrums have continued, I would say at the moment she probably has at least 4 a week ! They are mostly closer to bed time but sometimes during the day too. Normally her tantrums are over the same things but not something fixable. Her one at the moment is needing a poo near bed time! She starts shouting because she needs a poo but she doesn't want to poo because it's bed time. We will say if you need a poo go for a poo. But have gotten to a point now where we say this and then say we are not talking about it anymore tonight to try and diffuse the situation because the more you try and reason with her the angrier she gets. She then starts screaming and shouting (whilst on the toilet) getting angrier and then shouting you don't care about me! But there is no reasoning with her when she is like this, you try and talk to her she screams more! I normally talk calmly and then tell her we will talk about it tomorrow. She screams at me then and I walk away, eventually she calms down but it often results in her sister moving to another room because she is screaming and shouting.

Anyway tonight, i retaliated. She was screaming about going for a poo again so I said have a poo and she sat on the toilet shouting about it. By this point, the children were all late to bed (they take it in turns choosing the bed time story). It was DD1s turn to choose tonight and we had already been waiting 30 mins. She is still screaming because she has lots of wiping to do and she is late for bed. I say your sisters need to get to bed, if you aren't ready in 5 minutes DD2 can choose tonight and you can choose tomorrow. She's then screaming it's not fair! It's not my fault I need a poo! My other children by this point are holding their ears. I go in there to her and shout myself saying you are being very silly! She screams back at me you are saying I'm stupid!!! Anyway, we wait five minutes, she is still screaming and shouting so I say we will have her story tomorrow. Start reading to other children and she then quickly flushes and washes her hands and runs into the room! She's screaming and shouting this isn't fair, she's looking at me like she hates me and then says I'm rubbish it's not fair so I tell her to go to bed. She's screaming and shouting. Her siblings by this point are then crying, I stupidly (I know I should never have said it) said your siblings are so good look you're making them sad. She then spins round looks at me and shouts I knew it!! I knew you liked them and not me!! You think I'm disgusting!! I hate you!!! By this point her dad heard and told her not to talk to me like that. But there was no reasoning with her, it was all my fault because she needed a poo so it wasn't her fault, she continued to scream and shout. She just gets angrier and angrier and can't seem to calm back down. I know I shouldn't have retaliated. I just don't know what I can do to help her. The things she has tantrums over don't seem fixable, they are regular and over the same things.. having a poo, but not wanting to poo. Going to bed but then feeling like she needs a wee several times but her saying herself she knows she doesn't need to wee. She went through a phase of screaming and shouting if I didn't tell her the exact time She needs to clean her teeth for and another is which outfit to wear, if I didn't pick between the two.. massive meltdown. I just don't know how to make this better.

She's an intelligent girl. Her teachers have not mentioned any problems with her. None of my family can believe that this happens. For the most part, she's a lovely girl, she asks all the time if I need help with anything, will help me prep dinner etc, set the table. She's loving, she's great with her siblings.
She does lie alot and we catch her out on it all the time. An example will be some dinosaur pictures her sibling got for her birthday, there were only a few and she was drawing on one, I said just use the one though because your sibling has only got a few. The next day after I'd come home from work she was drawing on a second and her reasoning was well I only said one for a minute... she can be quite manipulative. If you tell her off for something there is always an excuse, a reason, the blame is never on her, she always has a smart answer e.g. why have you done this?! Well so and so did it first.
Re; her outburst tonight. She will be acting normal tomorrow and as if nothing happened.
Sorry it's long and some
Of it may not make sense but I just don't know where to go from here. 8 seems to old
For these outbursts. How can I help her? Thanks

[QualifiedDys]

@Tulip AFAIK, it’s there to take up the slack that CAMHS can’t deal with. You could ask the SENCO if they are running it. More & more schools are taking it on.