Women who came out as lesbian later in life

[Ohifonly]

So I’m talking about women who have had heterosexual relationships, maybe marriage and children and so on. If you came out as lesbian later in life, what was that like?

Is it difficult to find lesbian friends who are similar or at least understanding?

How do you date? Is online awful?

What was your turning point?

Long time poster who’s NC for this, I’m struggling at the moment with my own feelings and would really love to hear from other women who have any wisdom to impart thank you.

I came out later in life … kind of , basically I was married up until I was 35 when we got divorced. And after that I took a break from dating and relationships in general , I did download apps but never took that step of actually making the effort to meet a new man. And then around 2018 I started dating once more…. Using Tinder and Bumble mainly, it wasn’t entirely awful I had a couple of decent dates but nothing more really and also by that point I was 40 too

I’ve always found women attractive , so around 2020 and the start of the pandemic, I started looking at women just out of curiosity really. I went on a couple of dates with women during the summer of that year, but i kept it quiet , and I kept my expectations low. I didn’t really know much about dating apps, there weren’t many women on Tinder anyway, lots of freaks and obvious catfishes. A friend of mine cheekily suggested I change the age settings and be more flexible and errm I was stunned at how many younger women in their 20s and 30s suddenly appeared. Again there’s a lot of rubbish you have to deal with but I matched with my now girlfriend, she was 23 at the time and lived like 2 miles from me and we clicked immediately

it’s definitely scary , at the time all sorts of thoughts were running through me but here we are, still together 2 years later. My parents were surprised , my friends actually took it well, I get teased more about the fact that I have a significantly younger girlfriend rather than us both being women. My daughter was a little surprised but she’s also quite clued on emotionally intelligent and she’s been fab through the whole thing too

I actually don’t have any lesbian friends, one of my close friends is a gay man. I’m not even sure if I’d class myself as a lesbian, I just happened to fall for a woman more than anything

Yes, I'm a "late bloomer." Raised religious, married young, had children in quick succession. Divorced years later, and finally allowed myself to explore my sexuality properly. I actually came out to my ex about 10 years into our marriage, but it was brushed under the carpet, seen as sinful, etc. I was never attracted to men, but compulsory heterosexuality is difficult to overcome in circumstances like mine.

I have a large friendship group with lots of lesbians/bisexual women so it wasn't difficult to date. In fact, my partner and I are getting our CP next month! No regrets coming out - better late than never.

Oh ladies, thanks so much for the positive replies! It’s so heartening to read that these sorts of situations can work out.

@EmzyEmz your situation sounds very very similar to mine. Do you WANT to have a group of like minded friends or are you happy enough without that sort of support? I keep telling myself it would be essential but now I’m not so sure.

@BiologicalKitty congratulations on your CP! It will be a wonderful day. Can I ask how you met your current friendship group? Were they friendly right off the bat? I remember dabbling in coming out in my uni days and the lesbian friendship group was very very cliquey.

I did in my mid 40s. Kids, long het relationship. Yup - had to do OLD having last dated when mobiles were in their infancy. Wasn’t even about ‘finding myself’ had a complete change of sexuality when I was 40. I was super honest with dates and I’ve been with someone over a year now. Never attempted to find a group to join as I had friends and wanted a relationship.

Everyone’s been fine about it. To be honest, it’s not even that unusual nowadays. However, I live and work in liberal circles so might not be the same for everyone. Reddit have a late bloomer sub.

I genuinely had no idea. Always assumed I was straight, genuinely thought I fancied men, had relationships with them etc. But never anything particularly long lasting, and for the last 10 years have been single and not had any interest in dating or flirting or anything. I assumed I was probably asexual, didn't feel any particular attraction to anyone or want a relationship at all. Then had a sudden blinding realisation, so much so that it was almost comical. I was watching a play and I distinctly remember my thought process going - oh, that actress looks like [lady I used to know years ago]... she was nice... I liked her... oh, character is gay... oh, [lady i used to know] was gay... OH.... ohhhh wait a minute... I didn't like her, I FANCIED her... oh wait... and then multiple crashing realisations of loads of other people in my past and moments from the past. I remember spending the rest of the evening reassessing my entire life, and on the drive home recognised a gazillion signs from teenage years onwards that I was indeed gay as hell, and had been unconsciously picking unsuitable men where I knew relationships wouldn't work, This was just at the start of the first lockdown, literally the weekend before. I had decided to talk to a colleague on the monday about it, because she is a counsellor, but then we worked from home for months and I never saw her again. I spent a lot of lockdown working through it all in my head.

I came out to most people around me last year, and everyone was lovely about it. I haven't said anything to my parents yet as I can't really see the point. If I started dating someone then I would, and I'm sure they'd be fine. I have tried some online dating but I find it very hard work and haven't found anyone I'm interested in. I haven't got any lesbian friends - I keep meaning to go to the local LGBTQ ladies group but haven't managed to yet. So I haven't actually had any lesbian experience at all yet, and as I'm 50 and extremely independent I'm not sure it will happen, but who knows. I'm still glad that I know and that I've told people. I find it mind boggling now that I got to 48 or whatever without knowing.

I'm sorry you feel like this. Just wanted to say that life is too short

I know 2 women in their 40s. Both were married with kids but split from male partners and now happy with women.

one is in a fairly new relationship and I’m delighted to see her happy again, she is smiling so much it’s infectious. Both of them seem like a weight has lifted.

I think it’s fairly common

in terms of how it happened for them it seemed to follow naturally following the break up of their relationships. They knew the women already, I guess they felt free to explore those feelings.

both said they’d always fancied women but were happy with their male partners… until they weren’t

I came out after a 14 year marriage. I've been apart from my xh for 6 years, divorced 2.
I'm in a very happy relationship with another late in life lesbian.

Day to day I /we don't have any Lesbian friends but I know a fair number from a Facebook support group I joined for women in exactly the position I was in, at the worst point in the process.

Two of my closest friends were part of this group too - so we have a lot in common with where we find ourselves.

My partner has met a woman locally via dog walking, and they've become friends. Otherwise, we have no immediate local Lesbian support....

NC for this just to protect the privacy of my other posts as this post could be identifying.

I came out close to 50, I had been in and out a few times in my life but this was the first time I felt confident enough to trust my own feelings and actually be publically out. Most of 2020 was spent finally working it all out and once out, the lifelong anxiety I had suffered with vanished and hasn't returned since. I always knew I fancied women but somehow thought it didn't have to mean anything changed, and that I could just ignore it. I didn't know if I could let myself have an actual relationship with a woman. I'd had a few flings previously in my life but been too afraid of other people's opinions to be seen as publically out. This is after having grown up in the 80's and having had a very strict family. Meanwhile, however hard I tried, my past relationships with men had all kept unaccountably petering out....

Anyway I joined an LGBT group and they had nothing on for women, when I asked why they said nobody had offered to run anything but maybe I could. So that's how I went from being too nervous to even be out, and hating video calls, to setting up and running a local lesbian women's online social group, all during Covid 😱. From that I made lots of friends with different histories, some also came ou ont later in life and some have always been out, from what I have seen everyone accepts everyone, in this circle anyway.

I always thought I'd be judged for 'not being gay enough' due to having had past relationships with men but it hasn't been the case at all.
Everyone around me has been very supportive, friends, colleagues, family, adult kids, even my parents.
I also met someone, and am very happy with her. It is amazingly freeing to finally be yourself and realise it doesn't matter what anyone thinks and when you have that confidence in yourself, the world tends to accept you as you are.

I really recommend the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle.

I’m still in the process of coming out to people which always causes massive feelings of anxiety but I’ve had no negative reactions. People have been really supportive and I’m starting to feel a lot more comfortable with it.

I’ve made a few lesbian and bi friends at some events I’ve forced myself along to. Everybody I’ve met has been really lovely and there are so, so many women in similar situations who come out later in life. You’re unlikely to be the only one IME. I’ve found these friendships really important in helping me to get over some of the internalised homophobia I had towards myself.

I have done some online dating and I find it a bit weird but that’s just because it’s so hard to see if you have a connection when you’re communicating online. I haven’t been looking for a serious relationship just yet but I have been on a few dates.

my turning point was when I stopped drinking alcohol for a while a couple of years ago and realised that I couldn’t stomach the thought of a man touching me when I was sober. I had used alcohol to help me tolerate having sex for years and had never considered why I needed to do that. I’m so much happier now.