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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask to meet his gf

17 replies

Springchicken34 · 21/09/2022 20:18

My exH has a new partner (very short term so far around 2 months).
He hasn’t introduced us (they just stand and stare at me when I pick the kids up), he has told the kids that she’s their step mum, she has been doing the school run and is already having the kids alone on his weekends.

I was with my exH a long time and know exactly what will be happening as it happened to me when we met. He swept me off my feet, we moved in together fast, became pregnant and I became a stay at home mum to his DD from a previous relationship and my DC’s. I was responsible for all the childcare for his DD and I know that this poor girl will be completely responsible for picking up his slack whenever he has the kids.

AIBU to ask to meet her since she will be the one looking after my children?

FYI I have no issues with him moving on, actually really glad he’s met someone just wish he was being responsible and sheltering the kids incase things go t*ts up.

OP posts:

anon5678 · 21/09/2022 20:25

I would be asking to meet her before any contact tbh, id expect him to say "hey I have a new gf and she's going to start hanging with us when we have the kids" and we set up a meeting together. As that's not happened I'd ask for a meeting before the next drop off. I wouldn't be comfortable with her calling herself step mum either, that's a big label considering how new they are. Will the next gf also be step mum?
I'd take back some control here if you can

Original poster

Springchicken34 · 21/09/2022 20:34

I questioned the Stepmum title and got laughed at and told I was over reacting.
I expected to him to tell me as I told him when I’d met someone. I offered for them to meet and explained that he doesn’t stay over when I have the kids and won’t have them on his own as it’s not his responsibility.
Control is the reason we’re split. I couldn’t even breathe without him complaining that it affected him.

OP posts:

Floweryflora · 21/09/2022 20:36

You can ask but he doesn’t need to say yes and she doesn’t either. If they say no then you need to respect it.

he sounds like a right weirdo though.

alwaysmovingforwards · 21/09/2022 20:37

If you're collaborating about what's best for the children, then meeting is obviously beneficial for all parties.

But... if he doesn't want to play it that way then there's nothing you can do really.

pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 20:39

Deffo meet her gal. If she is taking care of the kids I would want to know they are 100% in safe hands!

CactusBlossom · 21/09/2022 20:39

Next time you see her (whether he is there or not), walk up and introduce yourself. If your exH has issues of control, don't let him be in control of making the introductions - you take the initiative!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2022 20:40

Did you meet his previous ex or was he a lone parent to older DD?

You can ask but it’s up to her if she agrees. More fool her for getting mugged off by him like she is but from your own experience he’s clearly highly persuasive.

YesitsBess · 21/09/2022 20:43

You can ask, they can say no.

FWIW I think your reaction is reasonable but by the sounds of it she’s probably been fed a pack of lies about you and this might just be petrol on the fire.

What is the best/worst end result in you meeting her? Do you think she is likely to become more communicative than just staring at you? Or are you hoping to stop contact if she’s in sole charge. It’s harsh, and unfair, but on both counts you will likely be on a hiding to nothing.

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 20:45

Ask but don't be an arse if she says no. She doesn't need to meet you.

Original poster

Springchicken34 · 21/09/2022 20:45

His DD’s mum was a very toxic person.
She demanded to have my number and meet. She would call me and shout down the phone at me. I wasn’t allowed to school events or pick up/drop off on a weekend. I had to report her for harassment and block her eventually.

I’ve tried to introduce myself but it was really awkward. She’s a lot younger than me and considerably younger than him so I get the impression he’s told her I’m some sort of jealous tyrant 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Springchicken34 · 21/09/2022 20:49

I want to be able to co-parent amicably. My worst nightmare is her feeling the way I used to when we had to speak to his ex.

I want her to be able to call me and say “he’s not answering his phone and x y a has happened” because they are my children and not her responsibility.

I just believe that if he doesn’t have the time to spend with the kids on his days then shouldn’t they be with me instead of robbing some poor girl of her 20’s and independence?

OP posts:

YesitsBess · 21/09/2022 20:54

@Springchicken34 oh dear, it does sound like you are (as many of us are, no judgement here!) shackled to an idiot until your kids are older.

You know who he is and how this will likely end, try and keep your kids sane in the face of insanity, don’t engage in the batshit about calling her ‘stepmom’ after 2 months, and try not to be drawn unless you have concerns about her. It’s utterly infuriating but my son and I can now laugh about his last stepmum even though at the time I could cheerfully have brained her on more than one occasion.

SpinningFloppa · 21/09/2022 20:59

You can ask she can say no, I wouldn’t agree to this personally.

unicornsarereal72 · 21/09/2022 21:18

Just let him get on with his own shit. You get no say he what happens when the kids are with him. He can have who he wants around them and parent pretty poorly in my experience

Don't get drawn into his dramas. When they say 'step mum'. Just replied don't be so silly they aren't married. Or some light hearted reply.

Just let it play out and be there to support your children. They have a safe and happy home with you. And continue to be the best mum that you are.

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 21:24

Befriending her will proper boil him op.
Do it. Smile, wave, tel the dc she seems great.
His interest in her will fade. Adding dc to any relationship is testing. Add on those dc aren't hers!!

OrangeFluff · 21/09/2022 21:38

What if you don’t like her OP? Then what? You have no say in what happens when the children are with their Dad.

if I was the girlfriend I would not agree to this. It would be a pointlessly uncomfortable situation for everybody.

LynetteScavo · 22/09/2022 20:08

I'm rally surprised at posters who seem to think it's perfectly normal not to want to meet the mother of your exes children. These children will be in your life now, no one has to be best friends, but at least try and be civil and behave like adults with the mother of children you are caring for.

OP, I would try to establish a relationship wit the GF without going through your ex. Just be nice a normal and civil, and expect her to be the same.

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