On the verge of a breakdown - certainly can’t have it all

[Imsosorryforanyoffencecaused]

I’m a working mum and my child has additional needs. I’ve always struggled with my mental health, and at the moment am really struggling. I have intrusive, irrational thoughts constantly that are making me so, so anxious, and I distract myself during the day with work because I run a business. What’s really making things worse is that my partner is a stay at home dad after losing his job two years ago, and my son has become very clingy with him. It’s making me feel like a really awful mum because he’s currently not like that with me. It’s been going on for about three weeks now and it hurts so much because I feel like he majorly prefers his dad and like I’m not doing enough. I have a strict rule of not working after 5pm and I don’t work weekends, I try to do as much as possible with my son and to accommodate his needs. But I feel like he hates me. We cuddle at night and he likes it when I sing to him but that’s about it, he’s just obsessed with his dad at the moment and it’s making me feel like an absolutely awful parent. I have to work because I have to keep a roof over our heads and the business is in a position where we are doing okay considering the cost of living crisis. But I am so envious of my partner and wish it was me spending all day long with my son. I don’t get any support from my partner work-wise even though I’ve tried to teach him on multiple occasions just to give me some respite; and he isn’t looking for a job which I’ve suggested he do part time while my son is at nursery two days a week. He is amazing with my son which is why their bond is so strong but it makes me feel like I’m completely failing and that he wouldn’t notice if I was gone.

I have been crying every night the past three nights and my mood is so low. Everything is getting on top of me, I feel like I’m constantly switched on, burnt out, and missing out on my child. I know there are so many other mothers out there working who just get on with it so I really don’t want to seem entitled but where I’m at at the moment it’s having a really bad effect on me.

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts because I want the thoughts to stop because they are constant and I feel like I have no escape. I’m under the CMHT and called the duty worker yesterday because I am on the verge of having a breakdown, and they said nobody will see me because I was only reviewed last month when they upped my
medication. I just want someone to talk to and to feel better and it’s like there’s nobody professionally willing to help me.

I have thought about CBT but am not sure if it will
clash with being under the CMHT, they won’t refer me for CBT themselves.

I had CBT two years ago for similar intrusive thoughts and it worked very well; I’m trying to put the same methods into where I’m at now but I am struggling to practice them because they are so overwhelming right now.

I’m just in a place where I’m anxious, tired, overwhelmed, and feeling like a total failure despite trying to actively do my best for my family to ensure they are provided for. But maybe it’s still not enough.
I’m scared my son doesn’t love me.

I guess I just need a handhold or some advice right now because I honestly don’t know what to do but I can’t go on feeling like this.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. X

Oh lovely, I don't want to read and run. It sounds like you're really tired and overwhelmed.

Couple of things:

1. You're a good mum. Your family would be lost without you. Your child gets to have a parent at home with him because of you. You'd like to be at home with him too - but you're giving your son the absolute best thing for him right now.

1. All children have phases where they prefer one parent. It's not you, and it's probably not permanent. You just need a bit of space.

1. You need to find time to sit down with your husband and find time for you to get some respite, for him to get some respite and for you to spend some good quality time with your son. This might have to be something where your husband is present but takes a back seat.

1. Get to your GP and ask for some help. Maybe some medication support, CBT or counselling will help. I've had intrusive thoughts and they're very very overwhelming.

Good luck!

@absolutehush Thank you so much for your kind words and advice and help. Unfortunately my GP won’t get involved because I’m under the CMHT. They won’t do anything bar sign off my repeat prescription. X

PP is right that children do go through phases of preferring one parent to another. It’s also a normal development for boys from age 7 onwards to start to gravitate to their father.

I just want to say I think you are doing an amazing job of being so well boundaried about when you finish work and keeping weekends free.

I hope you can get support with your MH. Samaritans are great just to offload to someone who cares. Though obviously they can’t give you advice or strategies.

Do you have any self-referral options for CBT? There's an organisation called Health in Mind that operates in some areas, which offers telephone-based CBT sessions for 6 - 8 weeks or so for anyone struggling with e.g. anxiety, low mood etc. They will screen for whether your situation is more of an emergency before they start and refer onwards if necessary.

More generally, I think your partner needs to try and meet you half way work-wise. Your son's needs come first, but yours are a very close second imo. You're carrying all of the burden in terms of work and breadwinning, and from the sounds of things are really struggling with that workload, all the responsibility and the fallout on your relationship with your son. It's true that most DC go through phases of preferring one parent, but if the arrangement you've got at present isn't working for you, then it's not unreasonable to want to look at ways to change it. It's not OK for you to be crying and desperately unhappy day after day. It may be that changes can't be made overnight (depending on your DP's work options) but it's totally reasonable for you to expect him to explore the possibilities.

And I second calling the Samaritans if it all gets too much: 116 123. It sounds as though you could really use a listening ear.

for you, OP.

I think your husband has to put some more effort into helping you, whether that be getting a job himself or helping you with your business. I would have a very poor view of my husband if he treated me like yours is treating you.

Wishing you all the best OP. It sounds like you've been shouldering a lot of responsibility for a very long time. Anyone would struggle in your circumstances