To think my friend should have made more of an effort after my accident?

[Queuepumpers]

I had an accident a few months back which left me in hospital. I was in a serious condition and there was genuine belief that my heart might just have stopped. Thankfully (and obviously) it didn’t… but I constantly think of that day and how the accident happened. It’s left me in an emotional and physical mess.

Weve been friends for around 15 years, supported each other through all sorts of things and we genuinely think of each other as sisters. We’ve lived together for a short time, travelled together, leant each other substantial amounts of money. Just very close. We now live down the road from each other, but since my accident I’ve been staying at my in-laws 30 minutes away.

The accident was 3 months ago. In that time, she’s phoned me once (about a month after it happened), and visited me once (for 20 minutes on her way to another friends house). She takes weeks to reply to messages, and generally never asks how I am. I don’t send texts all about me either - I ask about things she’s doing and just text like we used to.

she’s constantly posting pictures on social medias of nights out, pictures of her with her dog on walks, pictures of her visiting London last weekend…

Im ready to be flamed and/or handed my arse on a plate for being so precious… but aibu to be upset? If the roles were reversed I’d be making a real effort to stay in contact and to help her

Basically, quite rightly, you've become hard work. She's now expected to think about you, she doesn't like it so can't be bothered. When you're well again she'll tell you about the rubbish reason for her not being there and you'll be expected to forgive her.

I expect if you look back this hasn't been a very even friendship.

Hope you're feeling ok

No flaming here. She's being an awful 'friend'. I'm so sorry & wish you a good recovery & some nice new friends. Hugs..

It sounds like a good friendship up until now. Perhaps because you’re at your in-laws she feels you’re being looked after and it’s someone else’s house so it’s not as familiar and is just keeping busy until you’re back?
I think you need to have a heart to heart with her.

Wow! Just wow! The phrase fair-weather friend springs to mind. We often cling to friendships because of longevity when they're effectively over. She has shown you how much she cares which must be very difficult to process after such a traumatic experience. I hope you are getting support for any after effects of the accident.

I think you have to let this person go. She's thoughtless and quite frankly completely disinterested and you deserve better.

Take care of yourself @Queuepumpers and recover well. 💐

Well she doesn't care about you does she?! You certainly find out who your 'friends' are when the chips are down hey? I hope you have support from elsewhere OP and you have a swift recovery.

To play Devils advocate, maybe she's leaving you in peace to recover.

She knows you're at your in-laws, so are being looked after. She's left you be to recover for a month, then got in touch by phone.

When you were well enough, she's come to visit, but made sure she also had something else on so that she wouldn't impose on you for too long, and that you wouldn't feel guilty that she's made an hours round trip to see you for 20 mins.

The taking weeks to reply to messages I don't have an answer for, so lets try a different theory.

She's a good friend but really doesn't do well with illness. Maybe she's never had a friend nearly die before, and it's terrified the crap out of her, and she doesn't know how to deal with it. Not a fantastic trait to have, but she's not neccessarily doing it maliciously.

If she's really been as good of a friend as you say up till now, don't just write her off because of this. Have a conversation with her, either now if you're up to it or when you're feeling better, and let her know that you feel you've drifted apart, and you want to get back to normal as much as possible.

We are in an annex-type bit, so very private and away from my in-laws! She didn’t even see them last time.

I would have a heart to heart, but I really don’t have the energy. What do I say “why didn’t you care when I had an accident?”. It’s just really really hard to know how to even approach it. Last week I text her (replying to previous messages) and updated her about some test results which weren’t so good (potentially like changing). No reply. But plenty of updates on Facebook. It just feels so weird

This all does sound logical - she may well just want to give me time to recover on my own. But, why does she not to seem to want to interact when I communicate with her?

here comes a massive drip feed (sorry!). When I was younger I had a boyfriend ghost me after a traumatic event (not an accident as such, more like a bereavement type thing). It affected me for years. She knows this, and I told her last year it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

You said you texted with test results. Are all your communications about your health?

Yes, it's shit of her but I am clutching at straws here.

Maybe she misses the friend she used to have. Again, pretty shitty.

Sorry but this is not the way a good friend would act.
She sounds very selfish and self absorbed.

A good and true friend would be popping round, regularly messaging, asking if you needed anything, doing shopping for you, cleaning the loo....etc.
I've done this and my friend has done it for me...and tbh sometimes I didn't have the time/energy to pop in or pick up some shopping, but I did it because she needed me.
I would raise this with her and discuss.

No not all. There’s a few messages in one go - so they were about her recent dates with people, talking about the queens death, just topical things really… how we usually talk.
Her last sentence was “how was the results of the scan?” I just put “not too promising, but we expected that. Just have to see what we can do now”

I would be exactly the same. My mum always says “don’t expect yourself from other though” so even just a bit more chat or whatever would suit me. I feel like a burden she has to make time to talk to