Not sad about my pregnancy losses?

[tempnamechg9]

I'm so so sorry if this is triggering for anyone.

I'm sitting watching a Jessie J interview where she is talking about a miscarriage she had, very emotional interview. She's talks about where she broke down in the middle of the street, stood next to a bush frozen for 2 hours etc.

I've had 3 pregnancy losses in the past, one after the other. I now thankfully have a little boy and am 20 weeks pregnant with my second. However, I have never felt that kind of grief that Jessie speaks about. The first loss I had, I was upset and cried for a day or 2, but I could put it to the back of my mind and still function. I remember I actually passed the remains whilst I was at work, and went straight back to my desk after and carried on. The second 2 losses i didn't even cry, I was expecting to miscarry. I don't remember even feeling sad really.
Fast forward to now and I rarely even think about my miscarriages. I couldn't even tell you the dates I lost them, or what their due dates would have been roughly. I don't feel the need to light a candle for them every year when others do. I don't feel the need to tell my other children about their lost siblings when they're older.
Now I worry that there is something wrong with me in how I feel. I absolutely adore my son, he is my whole world and having a big family is all I've ever wanted.
So why am I like this? Is anyone else like this? Surely I should feel sadness about the babies I lost.

Thanks all for the replies, glad to know I'm not alone in my feelings. Just to be clear, I don't think Jessie was overreacting at all, I just found myself not being able to relate to her even though I've been through the same thing. I think a lot of people automatically expect you to be distraught, but it just wasn't the case for me.
Also I think some PP are right, I lost all mine before 10 weeks. My sister had a still birth at 27 weeks many years ago, I was only young. But i couldn't even imagine going through something like that, I would find that incredibly traumatising.

I agree somewhat. I had a MC but was only around 6 weeks and if I hadn't of known I was pregnant then I would of just thought it was a period. I think this is why I never dwell on it at all, I can quite easily talk about it with friends etc.

I've had 3 miscarriages (6-10 weeks) and 8 chemical pregnancies. I have to say I found the whole experience extremely harrowing ie, going to hospital for D&C's, the rollercoaster of 'will this be the month', the treatments, needles, doctors etc. and time it took (2 years) to get my current pregnancy, BUT I wouldn't say each loss hit me that hard like I'd lost a baby if you know what I mean. I don't remember due dates etc. but perhaps that's because they were early, and this is the first pregnancy where I have been able to see a heartbeat.

I cried after my first miscarriage. I was completely devastated but I didn't cry like I cried when I gave birth to two perfectly formed sleeping babies.
I'm quite an emotional person but even now my first miscarriage doesn't affect me like my two stillborn babies did.

Everyone's different.

Interesting thread. I do think there's a big difference between early and late miscarriage.
I do also think that the technology which allows you to know so early is unhelpful (obviously IVF is different).

My mum had miscarriages and I was brought up to expect them as part of the process so I think that helped. I also had a twin pregnancy and a bleed. If I'm honest, I was just glad to see the one I was hoping for and have never thought about the other as it wasn't something I had expected until told it wasn't there.

I think it's great that we talk about it more but that it should come with realistic expectations that this is a reality for most of us.

For those suffering multiple losses I think the situation is much harder, especially when there are no answers as to why.

I think for me personally there was a difference between first miscarriage and subsequent ones and also the stage the pregnancy was at. My 12 week miscarriage was my first and most devastating, subsequent ones were around 6-7 weeks and I didn't feel the impact so brutally

Also had 2 ruptured ectopics and that's a new kind of grief in itself - both babies had heartbeats and ultimately lost both tubes so had to grieve my babies and also my fertility

I was sad for a few weeks about my miscarriage and ditto with an abortion, many years ago. Never grief stricken and certainly don't think about them any more. Have healthy kids and family, so why feel this grief? That's my experience but others may have invested far more emotion in it all.

It depends what you mean by pregnancy loss. Surely you recognise if you'd lost a physical baby at 20 weeks that you could hold you'd feel very differently to cells that pass like a period at 6 weeks? Personally second trimester loss was completely different from an emotional perspective.

Also I think some PP are right, I lost all mine before 10 week

^ yes that's the crux of it. You are lucky you don't know the pain others do.

We're all different. I had a MMC from an IVF pregnancy and opted for a ERPC. 6 weeks later at my GP check up I was still very upset and the Dr described it as similar to PND - due to the crash of hormones as my body adjusted between pregnant and then very suddenly not! Took me a couple of months to get back to myself (I refused the antidepressants offered), and have been lucky enough to go on to have other successful pregnancies. Never experienced anything like it before or after - but for me it was a rough couple of months and a lot of tears!

@Flittingaboutagain oh of course, I think there is a huge difference personally. Mine, as I said in previous post were all before 10 weeks. So was Jessie's from what I can gather, which got me thinking about it. I also have friends who have lost babies very early on and still have still had/have very strong emotional reaction to the loss and mark the day heart by lighting a candle etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I just never had that overwhelming grief and can't relate. I couldn't even imagine having to birth your child and knowing that they've already gone, it would break me.

@Isthisexpected I think you have missed the point this thread

I have to say that having seen my twins heartbeats at 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 8 weeks and so on I feel differently about my early miscarriages then I did at the time. To me it was more painful a loss if a heartbeat was detected. To me that isn't just a collection of cells and to have physically seen my twins develop from 6 weeks gestation I have something to compare it to?

I've had three miscarriages total.

I was deeply upset by the first one which was my first ever pregnancy - because I really wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, and at the time I didn't yet know if I ever would. I got over it when I got pregnant again and carried to term. The subsequent ones, I was a bit sad but otherwise fine. I understand my miscarriages as pregnancies which were never viable, never had the potential to become people - so though it's sad and disappointing when I had one if I wanted to be pregnant, I haven't lost a person, even a potential person. I never really think of them unless actively reminded, and in fact I had to rack my brain just now to remember how many. I do think a later miscarriage would be much harder; I've never had to experience that; they've just been like bad periods physically.

Reproduction is a buggy, imperfect process, sadly. I consider myself lucky to have the number of healthy children I want and to have conceived easily without intervention.

I'm the same OP, I've had two miscarriages, the last one just three weeks ago, they were both at six weeks so I was very early on which probably helped as it was more like a heavy period both times, I've already got two dds and while we were planning for a third I dont think it's going to happen now (I'm forty four) so I think I've just accepted the fact,and realise I'm incredibly lucky to have my two dds, I'm a bit sad but I haven't cried or been particularly heartbroken at all, having said that if I didn't already have kids then I probably would be feeling very different

Nothing wrong with you Op,

I've had 2 miscarriages (14 weeks and 7 weeks). I cried quite a lot for a day or 2, felt very sad. I don't remember the dates, how old they would be or anything like that, and just put it down as one of those things. I've got 2 lovely boys so that helps! But no I don't light a candle, and it doesn't upset me anymore.

I had two before each of my children. First I was very upset at the time but think it was as much fear of not being able to have a baby, second was more an annoyance. Both were early so that helps.

I do wander if ppl being able to Gaylord if early scans makes it worse as they see a baby with a heartbeat at 8 weeks so the loss feels greater.

My very first loss, I was upset. Took me a little while to get over it.

Now, I remember it but I don’t get upset like I used to.

I’ve had 4 miscarriages including one set of twins.

I don’t feel sad about them. Just matter of fact. I have two healthy children.