Is he cheating?

[Confused142]

Dh and I have been married for 10 years - we have both always been very open with phones and allowed each other to use them (no passcodes etc). A year ago I found messages to his colleague saying how I spend all my time with DC (6m & 3) and am awful to him. I confronted him and he denied anything further happened and he felt neglected - so I made more time for him.

Following this he’s been very cagey with his phone but still allowed me to use is periodically (when I rarely didn’t have mine to hand).

Over the weekend I asked to use his phone and he practically ran out of the house (barely clothed to avoid me looking at his phone) and now is denying anything despite having no intention to leave the house that day until we were out for dinner (5 hours after).

He has zero time for the children and is hours late home in the evenings as he “needs his time”.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking it and his reaction was perfectly normal. Or if this is a suspicious response.

Colleague was a female 10 years younger

Yep he's cheating

Follow your instincts. The time a partner was like that with me and I had suspicions, I was right that he was cheating on me. The time a partner was acting like that and I was actually wrong, he was hiding what he was watching and was actually a pedophile.

If it sounds dodgy it probably is

Sorry OP, this does sound suspicious. Added to the nasty comments he made about you, it sounds as if he is telling this woman his wife “doesn’t understand him”.

Sorry but I'd say he definitely is.

change your name to the OW's name in his contacts and text him "hey", see what he does

or call him

@yogonop That’s a really good idea thank you - I just don’t know if my heart could handle the response.

I have been telling him for the past year if you want to leave then do it now whilst the Dc are young so they can adjust to two homes - as hard as it has been to say that I can’t can’t bare the thought of them feeling the tension in the household. If he’s cheating why hasn’t he just gone?

some people are just pricks and want to have their cake and eat it.
But if it is the case you deserve to know. You deserve closure and to move on to find someone who treats you right.

@Ofcourseshecan yes the messages said a lot about how I don’t understand him since I spend so much time with exclusively BF baby

This is a sad time for you, OP. You've been giving him the chance to leave for the past year, but of course he's wanted to keep the comfort and convenience of his marriage. I really would stop being so helpful to him now.

He isn't good for you or the children. I think you need to make the break. A year from now, do you want to be in the same unhappy situation? Or building a new life with the children?

Lots of reasons.
The OW won't have him.
He's biding his time until he's sure which of you he wants
He thinks you need him and it's worse for you and the children if he leaves.
He doesn't like change.
He's comfortable and doesn't want to give up his main life.
He'd rather have two women than one.
You and she meet different needs.
Lots of people who cheat don't want to leave and would carry on having their affair indefinitely. But it isn't just up to him is it? You could take control here and leave/tell him to go.

He’s cheating!

Cheating. You could wait til he's asleep and check, only suggesting because he has previous - but you don't really need to.

Even if he isn't cheating he has checked out of family life and the whole "she doesn't understand me" whinge is a dick move.

Bin him.

You and your children will be better off without the hassle, because if he isn't cheating now he probably will further down the line. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

You said he has zero time from the children. He’s a selfish prick. Ask him to leave whether he is cheating or not.