Son is going to be upset tomorrow

[Cupofteaonesugar]

So just after opinions.....

My ex sees our DS weekly, however, the past few months he's reduced that by half... if not more, due to work commitments. There's been a real running them of him coming home a night early or ex cancelling last minute. He normally stays 2 nights a week/1 full day.
For me it's not a problem because I'll always be available for my son, my son hasn't seemed that phased as he prefers to be home however I have noticed recently he's been a bit down. I think it's the constant changing of plans which is bothering him the most.

Anyway last weekend I pulled ex up on it. I simply asked if everything was ok and if we should changed out childcare arrangements long term to avoid the messiness of the situation. Ex told em the work issue should be resolved soon and thanked me for my support. I am great full for some gratitude as this hasn't happened in a very long time but equally think that this isn't really fair on son.

Anyway, wx cancelled one night last week and one night next week. He said to combat this he would pick ds up from school on Weds. I told him I would need to check my calendar first as I wasn't sure if we had something on. This conversation happened whilst ds was sleeping over. DS came home the next day absolutely buzzing because daddy promised him a toy on weds and told him he was picking him up from school but not sleeping over. It occurred to me then that I forgot to confirm the weds situation but given that he's already told someone he's going and son was really excited about a present I just left it. The following day ( today) I text ex to see if weds was still ok but he told me that it sounded like we had plans so he can't have DS anymore.

Tbh I'm a bit taken back. He's told son he's going, he's told son there will be a present. I know I'm at fault for not responding about the weds but he also never checked in with me and told son the above anyway! I'm thinking he's forgotten and agreed to work again but trying to blame me.

I'm not going to make a big deal out fo this. I told son and he was ok with not going round but is still excited for his present tomorrow 😳😳😳

Just feeling really fed up with all of this!

Text him and say his son is going on about a gift he expects tomorrow. And let him deal with the fall out. I would push to get set days in for the week ahead at least and explain son gets very upset at the last minute changes. If it can't be resolved then go to court.

You need to stay as calm and consistent as you can. Your ex will always be DS's dad and is likely to always be a bit flaky with plans. DS will (sadly) come to realise that his dad is unreliable as he gets older but the impact of this will be less if you are consistent, available and ready to be supportive for him. This isn't to say you can't call your ex out or ask him to be more reliable and consistent but please don't expect his personality to change. And it is often the job of the mum to pick up the pieces. If your ex is otherwise a good dad (providing safety and good parenting) then I wouldn't go to court over this.

To be honest you are both to blame. I was a child who had divorced parents when nobody else did. I’ve also been a step parent for 20 years. Parents need to communicate and work together if they are no longer together: Both of you didn’t follow up and confirm and now as a result the child will be upset:
I was lucky my parents did communicate, and that was the 1970s.

No court isn't really soemthing I want to explore. Things were really bad between us when we first split but I like to think we've found a stable place now which makes everyone much happier.
It's not even so much the recent cancelling which has bothered me because I know that it's due to work etc and I'm hoping thsi will iron out as he suggested and if it doesn't I will have to be more firm with a long term change.

What has bothered me though so the fact that he's told ds that he's licking him up when it wasn't confirmed and then he's even gone on to promise him a toy which he literally hadn't stopped talking about. He claims that he can't have him now because I never confirmed that date which I accept I made an over sight but it was due to the fact he's already told son that he was picking him up! Just feel like he's trying to blame this on me when in fact he's just clearly chosen other priorities and I don't feel this so fair!

There’s another issue here: maintenance.

If he’s agreeing to days then cancelling them, could it be to avoid having it on paper that he has your DS on fewer days, therefore owes you more maintenance?

it’s shit all round and seeing as it was him asking something out of the ordinary should have reminded you when you didn’t respond right away. People are human and forget things when dealing with busy lives single parenting, if he wants a favour (moving days) he needs to be the one chasing it.

I do communicate. I am constantly chasing his tail, all the time. I've endured him cancelling and forgetting our childcare arrangements just recently. I even make monthly calenders for him to explicitly see when he has them but he's "forgetful". I absolutely hate it when people say you need to communicate. I do my upmost best to do that.

Whilst I did make an oversight not getting back to him about the Wednesday I would've take. That in thsi chin if he hadn't have told ds he was collecting him and getting him a gift, for him to then play the "you didn't get back to me card". That just doesn't make sense to me.

OP he's just changed his mind by the sounds of it and wants you to be the fall guy, and he was pretty disorganized about it in the first place. I'd tell him, your son is coming to see him, and will be heartbroken of you cancel as he hasn't stopped talking about it. Let him sort it out. Your poor son!

Let's face it, if he operated like you did (efficiently and openly, and organised), this wouldn't have happened, would it?

He makes plans with you and then you let him talk to ds.
he cancelled he tells you and then he tells ds.

cancels more than 3 times in any half term reduce his contact unless the contact decreases because he is I’ll or ds is I’ll.

he makes plans he sticks to them
end of

boundaries need to be in place for you - you are parenting he is treating you as free childcare available at the drop of a hat

likewise this is emotional abuse for ds he needs to see that adult stick
to their words

send him an email and list all the agreed dates and all the cancelled ones
explain that children need consistency and routine and that his contact is just that - his contact

emergency is a one off

so options are

1. reduce contact and agree one night where he will always be there
2. he keeps the contact but he must pick ds up and not cancel

point out
ds has emotions and now is a crucial time for role modelling, and for his son having his basic needs and expectations met,
that work does not come first
that you also need to plan for your time and not have to cancel your plans
that you want ds to grow up with good values and not flaky

point out that he needs to see his male dad prioritising him at the agreed time

point out that if he wants no contact that you are happy to parent 24:7 but if he wanted contact then he must stick to agreements.

that’s it.

ds needs to know you love him
and are always there but his dad must follow through on agreements

believe I have an ex who fought me tooth and nail for contact and then failed to turn up. When he was little I could go shopping on Tesco and if his dad turned up to pick him up great.

now’s he is 8. Last Easter I drove 150 miles half way to drop for court ordered time and he didn’t turn up.
my son sobbed the entire way home

I will never forgive him
for that and my son will always remember he didn’t turn up and also that I took him home with no issues.

it’s shit as I can never ever plan to go on holiday when I don’t have my son I only plan stuff in the U.K. that he can join but my son knows he has this

I wouldn't be offering any more swaps to "combat" his incompetence. If he can't make his agreed access, then he waits until the next one.

Can you get the toy (not sure how much it is or if that's even possible) and call it an early Christmas present/say it's for going back to school well and trying hard/ being extra helpful in the house?

His dad is his dad unfortunately, and you're going to have to pedal twice as hard to counteract the times when he's just cruising, it's not fair but they lose in the long run, the kids aren't daft.

Just say “can you drop round the gift you’ve got him then as he hasn’t stopped talking about it and is expecting it tomorrow”. It’s not for you to honour his promises, same with parents who are still together. If my DH promises something to the kids, it’s for him to sort it.

I don’t think it is on you. If your ex wanted to see your ds enough, he’d be chasing you and certainly wouldn’t book something because you sounded busy, he’d be keeping the day free of the off chance. The fact is, you are busy. Busy sorting all the logistics and care for your joint child along with (I presume) working and everything else in your life.

Thank you all!
I've messaged him this morning asking if he can drop the first off as so. Is on with not going but really upset about the present as he was looking forward to it. Obviously I wouldn't normally ask but I don't want him upset.

Really appreciate the replies. I hate it when I somehow end up blaming myself!

He really has you taking the blame for everything doesn't he

Mummy didn't say it was OK so I didn't come makes him look better than I had a better offer