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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Not talking to you until you either apologise or sort out a divorce"

21 replies

namechange5555 · 20/09/2022 19:52

Been together 10 years, married for 2. This came about after me saying hes being "piece of crap husband". How do I apologise for something I don't feel sorry about?
We have our ups and downs, certainly not perfect but not exactly on the verge of separation (or so I'd thought).
We have arguments/disagreements, but its always me that reaches out to put things right. He is a very passive character.
For the first time ever, I have looked up how to get a divorce and feel weirdly calm. I tried to go through it with him but he thinks my emotions are taking over and basically wouldnt engage unless I still feel the same in a day or two's time. I suggested we talk calmly but am now being given the silent treatment. During previous arguments theres usually tears (on my part), but today I wasnt in tears, calmly talked at him (as im on the receiving end of silence) and just said that I want us both to be happy etc and this just cant go on like it.

I doubt anyone can be bothered to read if I type out my/our life story so to keep it brief, I dont really want to divorce but I also don't want to keep going on like this and unfortunately I don't think he is going to change. This is probably a really common feeling to go through before separation right? Is this how it was for many of you?
(I realise we have just had an argument and want to be realistic and say it isn't always all doom and gloom, there are obviously happy and neutral times in between too). Just feeling a bit overwhelmed, cant be bothered to live like this in silence, I'm a problem-solver and find this quite frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange5555 · 20/09/2022 20:12

Perhaps I should have posted in relationships, although I'm not even sure what I'm looking for, just feel a bit alone in this and don't want to speak to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Boxowine · 20/09/2022 20:14

Do you want to be married to him?

Thedungeondragon · 20/09/2022 20:15

It sounds like he wants to keep you in your place, scared of losing him. Well done for staying calm and not giving him the reaction he wanted. As to what happens next, sounds like you have some serious thinking to do about what you want.

illiterato · 20/09/2022 20:18

most Of my friends who have got divorced said that making the decision was accompanied by feelings of relief. I think most of us are prone to trying to save relationships for longer than they warrant.

BattenburgDonkey · 20/09/2022 20:18

I don’t fully understand, which one of you said the title bit?

AloysiusBear · 20/09/2022 20:18

So theres been a row over something, you've said he's being a piece of crap husband, he wants you to apologise or get a divorce?

Why did you call him that? What was the row over?

Do you love him?

CandyLeBonBon · 20/09/2022 20:19

So is he a 'piece of crap husband'?

What's the backstory?

Sheenqueen · 20/09/2022 20:19

If he s usually passive and he has said this, then I think he does want a divorce and is looking to make you make that decision.

BattenburgDonkey · 20/09/2022 20:20

Also why is he a piece of crap?

HighlandPony · 20/09/2022 20:21

He’s a piece of crap husband but you’re not in the verge of separation? Normally those are mutually exclusive

MassiveSalad22 · 20/09/2022 20:22

Wow none of this sounds healthy! ‘Piece of crap husband’, silent treatment, arguing like this only 2 years in. I’d vote divorce, life is too short.

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 20:24

If he won't discuss a divorce just start proceedings. It sounds like the healthiest way forward.

ExtraJalapenos · 20/09/2022 20:25

Did you feel like you almost switched off emotionally and went into autopilot?
That happened to me when exh and I separated. A switch just flipped. I realised after 12 years, being married 3, that it was always me trying to engage or talk through or sort out an issue we had argued over. Never him.
I was done. I just realised that I didn't wanna do that song and dance any more. He too would silent treatment me. In the years before when we dated and didn't live together...he would ignore calls then switch his phone off if we had an argument. I'd hear from him the next day and he would pretend all was back to normal. And to save another argument and another night of agony being ignored, I'd just leave it. He was in control. The night the switch flipped, I realised the past 12 years were on his terms.

3 years later, divorced and Co parenting our dd. Best decision i EVER made was to leave.

If your partner can't communicate or refuses to engage in hard times, and gives you the silent treatment instead of talking through an issue. Then they are not your partner any more. They are akin to a stranger.
Its true when the older generation always swear by 'never going to sleep on an argument'.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/09/2022 20:26

He could be calling your bluff thinking you would never look into divorces and forcing you into an apology. If you are always the one who ends up getting upset whilst he gives you the silent treatment it sounds quite a disturbing dynamic. Telling him he is crap obviously wasn't your finest moment, but you did suggest that there would have been a lot going backwards and forwards to get to that stage. This certainly doesn't sound happy or healthy, I've been married over quarter of a century and can count on one finger how often I have cried after an argument and less than that how often he has given me the silent treatment.

Quveas · 20/09/2022 20:33

If you don't feel sorry about saying it, don't apologise. But start separating. This doesn't sound anywhere near healthy for either of you. Fwiiw, if you said that to me, I'd also not be coming back from that.

Choconut · 20/09/2022 20:42

What's crap about him? Why did you marry him after 8 years if he's crap? Or did the crapness only start after you got married?

VladmirsPoutine · 20/09/2022 20:50

Your life story in these circumstances is pretty important. Couples do bicker and argue, but when that tilts into abuse and ill-treatment its a whole different arena. Wanting to stay married is neither here nor there tbh - many women struggle to leave their partners even when they are causing direct harm to the family.

J0y · 20/09/2022 20:55

So, when you think about divorce, you feel ''weirdly calm''. Listen to that feeling, it's more than a feeling. It's strength, it's faith in yourself and it's hope.

HE is the one telling you what your emotions are. You do not need to be told what your emotions are.

wackamole · 20/09/2022 21:08

He sounds controlling. He dislikes something you said to him so he gives you two "options": apologise or plan a divorce. If you do neither, he gives you the silent treatment. When you choose one option, he thinks my emotions are taking over and basically wouldnt engage unless I still feel the same in a day or two's time. (Even though HE has ALSO raised the topic of divorce, apparently ALSO without having given it prior thought.) So really, he's saying you must apologise. It makes no sense because it's not in good faith, It's all set up to diminish you, to put you in an inferior, reactive position. But there are two people in the relationship, not just him.

Personally, I'd apologise for calling him a piece of crap, but I'd be clear that it's the language I regret, not the sentiment. I'd suggest that since I DID say it and he heard it, we treat it as a wake-up call re the frustration I'm feeling about the relationship and the difficulty of communicating. I don't know WHY trying to communicate with him reduces you to tears but you're right, it's a miserable way to live. So if it's really not possible to have an open conversation where the two of you really listen to each other's frustrations and issues and brainstorm ways to make things better, then yeah, divorce is probably a good thing to look into.

I realise we have just had an argument and want to be realistic and say it isn't always all doom and gloom, there are obviously happy and neutral times in between too... To paraphrase a MN classic: if someone made you a sandwich with all your favourite ingredients plus a thin layer of shit smeared across each piece of bread, would you eat it because it's 90% delicious or would you leave it because you don't want to eat shit? If his behaviour's unacceptable it's unacceptable, even if he isn't that way all or even most of the time. (And using the silent treatment to get his way is pretty unacceptable, unless perhaps he's six years old.)

Pixiedust1234 · 20/09/2022 21:09

Forget about if he's crap. Forget about the argument. Forget about if you love him.

Focus on whether you can continue living this way until you die? He won't change, only you can, so do you want to change who you are as a person until you die? It could be next week or sixty long years.

Personally if you are struggling after two years of marriage (the honeymoon period!!) then its time to say bye imo.

TheSummerySilveryPussycat · 20/09/2022 21:18

Wait a couple of days, as he asks. But from what you say, I would recommend divorcing him, based on my own experience. {Only unfortunately I waited in false hope for 28 years...)

I divorced him, being the one to instigate the divorce is very empowering.

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