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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bereavement

54 replies

Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 13:47

The funeral of our late Queen made me think about bereavement and grieving.

A colleague at work lost her mother in 2011. Her mother was 85. She had a very close relationship with her mother, in fact so close she moved her mother in when she got married.

She's told us at work she still misses her mother now and cries about it. She posts on FB sad memes about "wishing there was a telephone connection to heaven so she could speak to her" etc.

Is it unkind of us to think she should have moved on by now?

OP posts:
RoachTheHorse · 20/09/2022 13:53

Bereavement impacts us all differently. I'm approaching 10 years since my dad died. Most of the time it's ok now but occasionally my loss still takes my breath away and something reminds me. I think it's true that grief doesn't leave you you just learn to build a life around it.

Just unfollow her on Facebook as the memes would annoy me too but otherwise just be a kind human.

Sparklingbrook · 20/09/2022 14:03

Grief isn't linear. There's stages and you move between them but not always forwards. There's no right or wrong but I believe that you never come to terms with it but learn to live with it.

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 20/09/2022 14:05

It's not unkind to think that. You can think whatever you like. It would be unkind to tell her that.

My own mum died twelve years ago, when I was 22, so similar year to your colleague's mother. I still miss her, think of her, dream about her. Occasionally get a bit upset about her death, usually when her songs come on. I don't share much about her online anymore but I might once or twice per year on her birthday or the anniversary of her death or something.

I do think being so public about it this far along suggests that maybe she has struggled to properly move through grief and accept it, but equally that might be her way of keeping her mum's memory alive and the relationship going.#

You don't really move 'on' from the death of someone you loved so much imo, but yeah, in time you hopefully learn to proceed with your own life while finding a way to honour the departed. If she's just posting on socials then that's her business and just mute her, but if she brings it up often at work I would be inclined at some point to gently ask if she's ever considered bereavement counselling. As much as I miss my mum I wouldn't think to regularly burden colleagues with how upset I am about a long-ago death, that's a bit unfair on people.

Original poster
Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 14:12

@AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid
My own mum died twelve years ago, when I was 22

I'm sorry to hear that OP. x
That must be devastating, not to have your mum around to see children and grandchildren.

The person I refer to is 64 now, and had children while her own mum was still alive.

OP posts:
Vonniee7 · 20/09/2022 14:15

You don't get to dictate how someone else grieves. I've had 2 stillborn babies, the grief never goes away and how I choose to deal with that is no one's business but my own. If you dislike her FB posts so much then unfriend her.

BattenburgDonkey · 20/09/2022 14:17

It’s very unkind to think she should have ‘moved on’ yes. How long after your mum dieing did you move on?

10HailMarys · 20/09/2022 14:33

The fact that you are sitting there judging someone else for missing their mum is absolutely bloody horrible.

People might not think about these things constantly every second of their lives, but of course it's normal to miss someone. Just because they had a long life, that doesn't mean you don't wish they were still around, and it sounds like your friend and her mum were extremely close.

My mum's nearly 80 herself and a while ago we were walking past a florist and they had loads of bunches of a particular flower that was in season and my mum said 'Aw, they always make me think of your nan - they were her favourites and when I was a teenager I used to get her a bunch from the market on my way home from work and she was always so delighted with them.' And then she said 'Do you know, I'd give anything to able to give her a bunch of flowers and see her face light up again.' And we both sort of welled up a bit. We're not a particularly sentimental family, we don't do memorials or anything and my nan was 88 when she died, but we loved her very much and of course we miss her. I miss all the people I love who have died - I'd love to be able to have a chat with them. I don't post Facebook stuff about it because to me it feels mawkish, but I'm a bit buttoned-up about things whereas your colleague obviously prefers to be open about stuff. And that's fine. Leave her be.

10HailMarys · 20/09/2022 14:34

The person I refer to is 64 now, and had children while her own mum was still alive.

Well, so fucking what? You don't stop loving your mum just because you're in your 60s.

bloodywhitecat · 20/09/2022 14:42

Moved on to where? To a place where she never thinks about or mentions her mum again? What is an acceptable timeline do you think? My sister died aged nearly 3 when I was 17, I am 59 now and I still think about her and miss her. I still wonder what her life could've been had she not had the disability that killed her. DH died six months ago, I am nowhere near moving on from that one and I don't know that I will ever not miss him with every fibre of my being every single day.

loislovesstewie · 20/09/2022 14:52

My mum died 54 years ago. I can still get sad and upset. I would love to have one more cuddle with her. There is something special about your mum, and you don't get over it but learn to live with it. My dad died over 30 years ago and I miss him so much too. There is no timescale for grief. I was widowed this year and I have bad days about that. If you don't want to see her posts then ignore them, and leave her to her grief.

Original poster
Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 14:55

@BattenburgDonkey It’s very unkind to think she should have ‘moved on’ yes. How long after your mum dieing did you move on?

Just after I paid the undertakers bill. My mother was an abusive narcissist, who made my home life a misery. I left home at 18 to get away from her and never went back (except to arrange the funeral).

OP posts:
JoWawa · 20/09/2022 14:57

Our son died in 2014. I think about hime every day.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 20/09/2022 14:58

You only get one mum
I would love 5 minutes with mine and it's been longer than your colleague's bereavement.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 20/09/2022 15:00

Yes it's unkind. People grieve differently and it's not linear. I wonder if your own bad relationship with your mother makes it necessary to be so harsh to your colleague somehow.

abovedecknotbelow · 20/09/2022 15:06

Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 14:55

@BattenburgDonkey It’s very unkind to think she should have ‘moved on’ yes. How long after your mum dieing did you move on?

Just after I paid the undertakers bill. My mother was an abusive narcissist, who made my home life a misery. I left home at 18 to get away from her and never went back (except to arrange the funeral).

Sorry for your situation but surely you can realise that people have different relationships and grief is not a set formula.

Mydogmylife · 20/09/2022 15:10

Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 13:47

The funeral of our late Queen made me think about bereavement and grieving.

A colleague at work lost her mother in 2011. Her mother was 85. She had a very close relationship with her mother, in fact so close she moved her mother in when she got married.

She's told us at work she still misses her mother now and cries about it. She posts on FB sad memes about "wishing there was a telephone connection to heaven so she could speak to her" etc.

Is it unkind of us to think she should have moved on by now?

Short answer - you can think what ever you want. If you are telling her this you are being unkind .

VatofTea · 20/09/2022 15:13

Your judgement is unkind. Don't judge, just support.

If you feel burdened by her grief, tell her you don't have capacity to help her unpack it right now. If she is not burdening you, then just mind your own business.

CPL593H · 20/09/2022 15:15

Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 14:55

@BattenburgDonkey It’s very unkind to think she should have ‘moved on’ yes. How long after your mum dieing did you move on?

Just after I paid the undertakers bill. My mother was an abusive narcissist, who made my home life a misery. I left home at 18 to get away from her and never went back (except to arrange the funeral).

Do you not think your relationship with your mother could be colouring your attitude to your colleague?

Xdecd · 20/09/2022 15:23

My partner died last year. I will grieve and miss him for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean I haven't moved forward. I work, look after my children, I enjoy life. I hope I'll find love again at some point. But I still wish he wasn't dead and I always will. Your relationship with your mum is different. With a bereavement from a healthy, loving relationship you don't reach a point where you have neatly moved on and have finished grieving in the way that you complete a course of study. It gradually loses its rawness, you can find joy in life again, but it's always there, mostly in the background but sometimes closer to the surface. So YABU I'm afraid.

Soproudoflionesses · 20/09/2022 15:34

My friend's mum died 11 years ago and although she doesn't talk about her all the time, l know she misses her a lot but it's more than that with my friend. She really guilt trips me if l don't see her as regularly as she wants and if her child misses out on something that my daughter does, she will always say she feels sad about her child not doing it because you know, his nan died (before he knew her). I am very sympathetic to a point but sometimes feels my friend still uses the situation to her advantage. She also is quite jealous of friends who still have their mums which l can understand.
Lost my dad a while ago - sad but it is what it is.

Technosaurus · 20/09/2022 15:35

I work in the death industry. Seen the whole spectrum - from people who seem to shrug off the death of a parent like they've had a bad meal at Nandos, to people who are completely bereft and will continue to be so for years and years.

Nobody is doing it right or doing it wrong.

Someone's grief is totally personal to them and it's very hard to talk to others because the default setting is usually "well when my Mum died, I did xyz" which, however well meaning, is usually of little to no help to anyone else.

What you've outlined may seem 'a bit much' to an outsider but that's usually the sign that they might need professional help rather than blocking on Facebook. There's lots of bereavement charities both nationally and locally who it may be kind to put her in touch with.

gogohmm · 20/09/2022 15:48

Grief is different for different people. I do think where the deceased is much older, in other words "normal age to die" I suppose then people tend to be less understanding but actually you can miss your mum terribly even as a 60 year old. Some people are more vocal too, but others are feeling the same. A bit of understanding goes a long way

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/09/2022 15:51

YANBU purely because he's obviously not coping and that very sad for her.

I get being sad, the missing, the wishing they had lived long enough to see.... However, life does go on and if you don't joint it eventually your mental health will suffer.

MiseryWIthAStent · 20/09/2022 15:55

I'm not sure the grief of a parent, child, partner or sibling ever really goes away, I think people learn to hide it more, learn to live with it more.

Ladybug14 · 20/09/2022 15:58

I'm glad I dont work with you. Goodness knows what you'd judge me for.