Aibu to ask how your teenage children behave?

[Manth0914]

As the title suggests, dd seems to be in a constant cycle of grunting, ignoring reasonable requests, not wanting to engage in family time. Tried to reason and find out if there are deeper issues. The constant atmosphere is causing all kinds of problems at home. What do you do??

My two DSs were never particularly grumpy or difficult. One was quite happy to engage in conversation, and didn't go out all that much (perhaps twice a week), but the other much preferred to be out with his friends almost all the time, or on his playstation. My DD was somewhere in the middle of these. All were a bit rubbish with reasonable requests regarding helping round the house, although would do it when pushed, but were always ok with coming with us to visit family, or the occasional trip out (if it involved a meal, or a theme park!). Would always agree to join us if we insisted on a family dinner on a Sunday at home, as long as it was pre-arranged. Otherwise, they rarely ate with us, unless they happened to be at home at the time.

I think a certain amount of grumpiness, and pulling away from family time is very normal with teens. They're finding their independence, and this is how it should be. I think you have to find a middle ground that you are both happy with, if at all possible. Easier said than done, I know! Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

It’s a phase and it’s a pita! But the best thing to do imho is to decide what basic boundaries are absolutely non negotiable and the minimum amount you want them to do at home, and the behaviour you find acceptable and that you definitely do not , and basically treat them like big toddlers: lots of love and praise (even when they are being horrid) and ignore the bad such as grumbling and withdrawal from family life (which is normal) and focus on the good!

Try and keep your lines of communication open and maintain a good relationship even though they test you to the max.

Its really hard sometimes so make sure you have to support for yourself and keep your own spirits up.

RL support for yourself!

Ds is nearly 14. He grumbles and huffs/puffs a lot about doing chores or homework. Argues the toss about going to bed, and having a break from his phone.

He’s not keen on going anywhere with us, prefers to go out and meet his friends.

All perfectly normal I think! Hi

Mostly ok, and the typical not wanting to engage with any housework or family time.

Both mine used to sleep a lot and would sleep in til 1 or 2 if I didn't nudge them, sometimes longer!!

Grumpiness, answering back etc

But also coming alive at 10pm and wanting to chat til midnight!! 😂😂

16 year old - can be v moody and doesn't react well to any kind of criticism or disappointment, nothing is his fault, has suddenly turned vegetarian but won't eat most vegetables or meat substitutes so that's fun. BUT can be brilliant company, has a strong sense of identity, very loving when not moody. Has a close but small group of friends.

14 year old - emotional but getting less so with age, very loving, not really moody but doesn't have a big or close circle of friends and is happy on his Xbox and spending time with family.

Neither keen to help me (single parent) with housework but will do if asked (told) to.

DD15 and DD12 are absolutely great. We get on well, no grunting or huffing even at the time of the month. Chores are done when asked and we have a fantastic, happy, loving relationship. DD often comes home with an "OMG mum! Got goss! You'll never guess what xx did today....."

I'll get back to you in a few years when my absolutely wonderful Angel of a DS (10) turns evil or something.

I don't have kids but I have vivid memories of myself and my siblings as teenagers.

DSis: Was a very stroppy, melodramatic teenager; lots of 'Oh my god this is SO UNFAIR' and flouncing out slamming doors etc. Lots of family photos from that era in which she looks moody and sullen because she was dragged out on some family outing when she wanted to be smoking in a park with her friends instead. However, I do remember her taking her turn with chores and things and she was great at organising the rest of us into sorting out Mothers/Fathers Day treats for our parents and things, so not all bad.

DBro: Grunty, frequently monosyllabic, foul tempered. Massively lazy and resistant to chores. Lived in squalor. Largely inconsiderate. But also more inclined to engage in family stuff. Would play family games, come on outings, etc.

Me: Relatively affable but at times Irritable, stubborn and argumentative. Weirdly secretive and vaguely deceitful for no real reason. Would do chores grudgingly when asked, but also left a trail of untidiness in my wake that must have driven my poor parents insane. My room was frequently in a disgusting state. Rarely surfaced before lunchtime. No flouncing or melodramas, but also zero ability to organise myself or others and incapable of discussing emotions so would be clearly desperately worried about something but mumble 'nothing' when asked what the matter was in a way that must have annoyed the shit out of my mum. Fairly happy to engage in family stuff though.

grunting is not ok

ignoring reasonable requests, well that depends on who's perspective of 'reasonable'!

not wanting to engage in family time- entirely normal, teens should be with peers and/or doing homework/ teen activities

Thank you all for your replies. Feel slightly less crazy knowing others have faced some of the same things.

I have two teen DDs and a primary DD.

My teens remain surprised when I pop a bag of sanitary pads/tampons/spare pants in their hands to put into their rucksacks, insist they’re not due on for ages, only to start within 24 hours.

Their moods are that readable. As soon as the petulant, surly, scoffing all the junk in the house, locking themselves away starts, it’s not long.

Give or take 5 days a month, they’re both lovely - for teens. I don’t take it personally. It’s part of their development.

DD14 - spends a lot of time in her room, very quiet - but will engage depending on her mood. No behaviour issues, respectful and never rude to me

DS18 - strangely never caused me a moments trouble beyond the 1st 2yrs when he cried endlessly.

DS29 - was always respectful but did the teen thing of smoking young and drinking (younger two haven’t). No grunting though!

You just get through it ... my DS is 21 now and the grunting and occasional rudeness are behind us thank goodness. But I am well over 60 (yes, I had my DS very late!) and can absolutely remember hating 'family time' as a teenager, in fact I just didn't go on family holidays from about 14 and am sure I was pretty obnoxious to my own parents .

The one thing I did find, and all my friends said the same, that our teenage DC were absolutely charming, helpful and chatty outside the house ... just not when at home!