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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Saying no to 7month old staying over 2 nights

22 replies

FebNameChange · 20/09/2022 10:23

Myself and parter have recently split and are now living apart. We're fine with each other and realise DD is our only focus. Starting from this week he wants to have her from Thursday-Saturday (sleeping over Thursday and Friday). I originally said yes to this but the nearer it gets the more I'm not comfortable with this. He sees her through the day in the week but I feel like I'd be better taking her Friday morning and picking her up Saturday tea time. I need to have the conversation with him but I don't know if AIBU or not

OP posts:

Quincythequince · 20/09/2022 10:28

If you bring her round Thursday evening, what’s the big difference between her staying the night and you then dropping her off on Friday morning?

I take it she isn’t breast fed and she must already be weaning.

What would he say to this do you think?

Ultimately, your daughters best interest must be met.

luxxlisbon · 20/09/2022 10:32

Why specifically do you think it would be against your daughter’s best interest?
It’s important for a child to be close to both parents who love them and want to care for them. He is entitled to a relationship with her just as much as you. If she still breastfeeds a million times a night or whatever then it’s probably not the best thing for her for another few months at least, but if she would be with him all day anyway that doesn’t seem to be an issue.
Personally I don’t think mum missing the child is a good enough reason to limit the father spending time with his child.
Although no doubt the first night will be hard for you. Could you spend it with your mum or a friend?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 20/09/2022 10:35

Imo this young with a decent df will happily become her normal. Surely that's better for her? Sadly most dm's dislike handing dc of any age over to an exh...

BattenburgDonkey · 20/09/2022 10:37

Is she breastfed? If not I’d say he should allowed to have her those 2 nights, it’s not just about what you are comfortable with, it’s about what’s best for her and long term that’s a proper relationship and amount of time with her dad. Assuming he does make the effort to feed her an stuff of course. If he’s lazy and useless that’s different.

Original poster

FebNameChange · 20/09/2022 10:38

I think my main worry comes from his anxiety. He gets stressed if DD is crying and can't be soothed which at the moment due to her teething is happening quite a bit. I know he wouldn't call and ask me to pick her up or anything like that. There has been stuff happen in the past with him being in recovery and I worry that stress would kick this off again which I of course wouldn't want to happen

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 20/09/2022 10:42

Are you breastfeeding?

DSGR · 20/09/2022 10:44

She’s very young and will want soothing in the night. Could you offer to have her during the nights til she’s older? So he has her all those days but she comes home to sleep? It’s a tough situation. If she’s breastfed she should stay with you

waterrat · 20/09/2022 10:47

I'd say - firstly - be honest and accepting of your feeling - you don't want to hve 2 nights in a row away from your 7 month old baby - so, next step - if your relationship with your ex is good enough can you just speak honestly with him and ask if there is a compromise?

What if he had her two nights but separate? So you weren't away from her for so long in one go?

I think it is true that of a baby this age the mother is usually the primary parent - I am sure your daughter will love her time with her dad and grow used to him as well - but there is no 'should' in this situation just what you can work out together.

mamabear715 · 20/09/2022 10:51

What @DSGR said.
I'd probably be so anxious I'd be hiding in a bush outside your ex's house..

Ponoka7 · 20/09/2022 10:53

You should start with one overnight and build on that. Contact still has to make sure that all of the child's needs are met and protected. Courts don't force concurrent overnights on babies under one. There's usually a build up. How long into recovery is he and how does his anxiety manifest?

GettingItOutThere · 20/09/2022 11:33

I would be so uncomfortable in this too. I would hold off on overnights until baby is much older and stick with daytimes?

sure he would prefer this too !

purpletangos · 20/09/2022 11:35

I remember when me and ex split up and it was the first weekend that DS went to his dads. I was in tears, I missed him so much. DS was fine.

However, he is his dad and should have that time with your child too. He will figure it out!

Use the time to relax and have time to yourself!

PollyDarton1 · 20/09/2022 11:45

I would also feel uncomfortable at the idea of my 7 month old being away from me, even without knowing my ex suffers from anxiety and might find it hard. I also suffer from anxiety and I did just get on with things but also asked for help when needed.

If your baby is breastfed still I would say overnights need to be arranged a little further in the future - this is such a critical age in things like teething, separation anxiety, introduction of solids etc. As much as it is important for the bond to be continued between your baby and your ex, it's also entirely natural that baby should want to be with you majority of the time, especially overnight, particularly if you're on maternity leave still.

Could you look to increase times at the weekend/exes days off and reassess in a month or so?

Lavendersparkles22 · 20/09/2022 12:53

I wouldn't and didn't agree to this either. Dad and I split in pregnancy and he wanted 5050 from 2 weeks old. As much as mumsnet tell you he has equal rights, you are her main carer and will be for quite some time yet.

I agreed to one overnight a week at 12 months old, she's not yet 2 and still does one night. I know of courts not granting overnights until baby is over 2 etc. Do what works for the child.

FlibbertyGiblets · 20/09/2022 12:56

He is in recovery from what?

sjxoxo · 20/09/2022 12:59

I think 7 months is too young for overnights.. I wouldn’t agree. I maybe would agree to one night but not yet, maybe in a couple of months time. I think it’s in the best interests of a 7 month old to spend night time at the place they would consider ‘home’. X

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 20/09/2022 13:06

You need a legal custody schedule so things like this are formalised and not just down to how either of you feel.

If you're getting alone fine and she's seven months can you request that for the first few weeks you stay over while she's there, so she can settle in and get used to it and alleviate your anxiety?

If you're okay with him having her overnight for one night, why not two? If you didn't want her there overnight full stop that'd be one thing but being okay with it once but not twice seems a bit odd, if he can be trusted to care for his child on a Friday night then why not a Thursday night too?

I appreciate it'll be difficult for you being apart from her overnight and on those days, I'm sure it's difficult for him to be apart from her too going from all living together to having to request two out of seven days with his daughter.

Maybe seek legal advice and get something drawn up now while you're amicable. I certainly wouldn't be considering either of us to have 'priority' at seven months, you're both equal parents and need to approach the situation as thus.

cushioncovers · 20/09/2022 13:09

Absolutely not. I would start with your ex having the baby for a half day and build from there.

Original poster

FebNameChange · 20/09/2022 14:00

Little update: I've spoken to exP today and said for the first few weeks can DD just stay on a Friday night- he's more than happy with this and said he was basically waiting for me to ask as he knows I would struggle to have 2 nights away from her. He does FaceTime every morning and night anyway and she sees him twice during the weekdays (not including the Friday and Saturday) so their bond is great.

OP posts:

mamabear715 · 20/09/2022 14:23

@FebNameChange
Oh, you must be so relieved, that's great!

purplethings · 20/09/2022 14:27

It depends what he is in recovery from....

ProbablyNotMad · 20/09/2022 15:49

Glad it has been agreed amicably. I did just want to point out that around 8 months is often the time for separation anxiety to emerge. It would be worth being prepared for this and making sure your ex is aware.

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