To try for a baby when grieving

[Catrinka]

My DD has just turned 6.
I always "planned" to have 2 children with a couple of year age gap. Unfortunately my mum received a shock cancer diagnosis when DD was 3, resulting in months at a time in hospital where I was by her side until covid stopped that. She then passed away very unexpectedly. I'd already lost my dad and all grandparents.
Grief put a hold on my plans.
I'm still grieving, I will always be, but I'm doing "better" than I was when it was raw.
I do want another child, i always have, but I cant get over the fact they won't have ever met my mum
And this feeling makes them feel almost alien to me in a way. I know this is a strange way to refer to an unborn child but its hard to explain. I worry about this and my mental health through pregnancy and beyond, but if I don't try I will regret not trying and feel for my daughter as an only child when i thrived with my siblings. There's obviously already going to be a big age gap, and I'm getting older myself but I feel a bit damned if I do damned if I don't.
DH really wants another child but has never put pressure on me.
So AIBU?
Any advice or anyone been through similar?

My mother died years before I had either of my DC. It has upset me that she never met them, but would not have made a difference to me having them. I just know she is watching over us all and I talk to them both about her and they see her photo up so know what she looked like.
I’m sorry that you have lost her - but she wouldn’t have wanted her death to stop you having more DC. I’d go forward in confidence that you will be able to talk to them both about her. 💐

I know it's truly awful. I found out I was pregnant in December 2017 and my dad was diagnosed with cancer in January 2018, he managed to meet his granddaughter and died when she was 11 months old. I had my 2nd this year, a little boy in January and not a day goes by when I don't think about him not being able to have met my dad and how much my dad would have loved him. Life is so cruel but it does go on, I still feel like I'm in mourning and he died 3 years ago and it did feel worse when my son was born, as I was so happy he was healthy but at the same time I was sad because of my dad. I think time helps but it never fully goes away.

I also meant to add my mum died when I was 16 so she never got to see either of my children and my partners mum died when he was 7 so they only have his father as a grandparent, it's difficult but it hasn't stopped us looking to the future. The children are the future and they help get us through it.

Thank you both for your replies

My mum died a year before we started trying for a child. My mum only ever wanted me and my sisters to be happy. Since she died I try and be happy, not letting stupid things annoy me. Having a child is what I'd always wanted, so that's what I went for.

As an aside, I've had secondary infertility and miscarriages for coming up five years now, so from a practical point of view it might be best to get the ball rolling.

Perhaps some grief counselling would help?

My mum died when I was pregnant so she never met my last DC. I was so worried about feeling really low after baby was born and I was of course sad she never met her but there was also something healing about a new life and growing our family

Hi OP. My dad died after a shocking cancer diagnosis when I was at university. The grief felt almost too much to bear. He never met my husband, nor either of my two DC. I totally understand where you're coming from about the "alien" feeling. I feel almost like a different person now, living a life he'd hardly recognise me in and it still bowls me over that the people living in my house are 'strangers' to him. And I won't lie and say everything is now amazing, 10+ years on. I still get pangs of grief when I read a picture book to my DC that festures lovely grandpa character, for example, just sad for what could have been. However, even all this time later and despite never meeting him, my kids recognise him in photos, refer to him as Grandpa when we're chatting, ask about him, look like him (!) and keep him well and truly alive in memory. I appreciate that you are very much in the early stages of grief and it is hard to see the wood from the trees. But there is life "after" grief...I know there isn't really an after, sadly, but there is a way of living alongside it. All the best to you, OP. I am so sorry for your loss and hope the sting of grief is less painful as the weeks and months pass. X

My dad died when I was 13 so never met my son. If you want more children don't let your grief hold you back. But there is nothing wrong in being or having an only child. She will thrive with or without siblings.

Not for everyone but my belief is baby souls are already up there waiting to come so if you were to have a baby it's already met your loved ones who have passed on. That's how I see it so they know them in a different way xx

I had one dc before my parent died and one after. I expected to feel awful after the second was born but I actually felt invested in the present and future in a way I hadn’t since before the bereavement. When you have lost someone all you can see is the missing gap where they should be. My second dc didn’t fill the gap but they changed the shape of our lives so the gap doesn’t feel so defining. ❤️❤️❤️

hi OP. My father died 10 months before I became pregnant. DD is now almost 2. It was hard but the pain is reassuring sometimes. Having my own baby made me think over and over about my father and brought him close. It was nice. Hard, because my DH became a daddy and all the nursery books make me think of my Daddy. But it’s a precious sort of pain 💐

That's a really comforting way of looking at things

I lost my brother 3 months ago. I'm 38 this year and he would have been 40. I have no children but wanted one. I'm extremely effected by his death as he's my only sibling and when my parents go ill have no family and it terrifies me. My husband and are renovating a house and live between parents. I was ovulating and I fell pregnant. Currently 4 weeks. Now I don't know if it was the right thing.

I'm still really hurting and I'm frightened my grief will cause developmental problems for my child as research says it can.

I'm also worried that our house isn't quite ready to move into and money spent on that should be saved for the baby. I frightened to tell my mum because she's so distraught still.

At the time it's what I wanted and a baby is a blessing but then I think is it actually too soon. I'll always be sad about my loss but it won't be as intense in a few months if I was to not be pregnant any more.

Then I worry about my age and other potential problems that could come with that.

My head is in such a spin and I don't know what to do

Sending you big hugs. 3 months is still very raw.
Pregnancy is confusing at the best of times but this is just an added layer.

Im am sure your mum will be happy to receive some good news at such a difficult time. A glimmer of light.

I had never heard of grief affecting pregnancy - its hard but stay off google it will always be full of gloom.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy. Do tell your midwife how you are feeling- I did mine and have a mental health trained midwife on standby if I need her.

What a beautiful way of thinking
I hope the OP finds comfort in your post x

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories with me.

So since writing this thread last year, I am currently 5 months pregnant.

I told my midwife my concerns at my booking in appointment and she arranged contact with a mental health advisor. When they contacted me I felt in a good place so wev agreed I have her number if I ever start to feel low, and she will also check in on me.

Im coping better than I thought but its still early days.

Iv had alot of worry and complications with my pregnancy - each hospital appointment Iv wished I had my mum by my side to support me - instead I have looked to close frieds and family who have been great, DH included.

I had a massive panic attack at the hospital because it brought back so much trauma (same hospital) but im ok now. I had my mums writing tattoo'd on my arm which the midwives always comment on when taking my blood, so I get an opportunity to talk to them about it too.

Overall I think I have made the right decision for me.