Is this coercive control?

[Nat6999]

Ds is gay & has been in a relationship for 5 months. Right from the first time I met his boyfriend there was something I couldn't put my finger on that I didn't like about him,I got this weird feeling whenever I saw him. Over the last couple of months ds has been staying more & more with him at his house, on the nights he has been home there have been several occasions when the boyfriend has turned up or rung ds & ds has had to go out & meet him, even late at night when he was in bed. Ds has been away on a 4 day training event since last Thursday, last Wednesday night he rang me at nearly midnight to tell me he had to call home as he had lost his railcard, he said that the boyfriend had been messing with his wallet & dropped all the cards out of it, we both searched & couldn't find it. He went on the course on Thursday morning, rang me that night & was really happy as he said the course was really interesting, he was enjoying it a lot. I got a phone call on Saturday morning, he was really upset because the boyfriend had told him slept with someone else on Friday night, tried my best to calm him down & get him to go back to the course, he rang later to say the boyfriend was driving down to sort things out, he stayed over until ds came back on Sunday. It feels like he doesn't want ds to do anything on his own, he insists on being with ds if he visits me or his dad, doesn't want him to come home at all, is this coercive control? I want to try & tell ds but all I can see is that if I do ds will hit the roof & not talk to me.

It definitely smacks of controlling and emotionally manipulative behaviour and certainly isn't healthy... its really difficult because if you go in too heavy there's a chance ds might retreat from you or will tell the partner who will then try and distance him from you. I'd try to spend some time 1-1 with ds and generally have a chat about what's happening and the relationship in general and get him to reflect on how he feels things are going and how he's being treated. If you can get him to come to the realisation himself that will be the best approach rather than telling him what he's maybe not ready to hear? That way you can still be there when he needs you as a sounding board and for support?

It definitely does not sound right op.

Ew.
Your poor DS. I don't have any advice sorry. But you need to find a way to get your DS to see this loser for what he is.
"Losing" the rail card was likely an attempt to prevent your son going away
Cheating, or lying about cheating, an attempt to have your sons focus and attention on him and away from what he was doing.
I could go on. Unfortunately parents can often see what their children can't, but then labelled the bad guy if you suggest it isn't healthy.
I don't envy your position at all OP and would just suggest you support as best you can, make sure your DS has all the self confidence and self worth he needs to hopefully see this twats true colours before he gets sucked in any further

This doesn’t sound like a good relationship for your poor son at all. Lots of red flags.

Yes it is. When it comes up in conversation try talking to your DS about how things are in healthy relationships and tell him he doesn't have to put up with being treated like that. It's normal to have space from each other and do your own thing a bit, even with someone you're totally committed to. If you stay silent and commiserate, you're effectively demonstrating that it's acceptable and normal, albeit frustrating and sad.

Explain that love isn't enough, you need mutual respect and kindness too otherwise the relationship won't work and will be an unhappy one. "But I love him" isn't a reason to not break up, other factors need consideration. Obese people like unhealthy food but if they keep eating it they know they'll die. Alcoholic loves drinking but knows deep down it's not good for them. When the time is right and DS seems like he may have had enough, introduce the concept that sometimes you have to give up something you love for the sake of your own health and wellbeing. I say this because when you're in the thick of it it can be very difficult to see your partner's behaviour as non-loving and so fall out of love with them yourself.

Try not to pick at the bad behaviour too much but focus on what healthy behaviour looks and feels like. If your DS feels you're getting at his BF he may back off, but he'll remember what you cautioned and will hopefully forgive you when he's come to his senses. Even if you have a row make sure he knows you're always there for him and he always has a place to stay. The BF will be making noises about you wanting your space so DS shouldn't live with you etc or outright telling him you don't want him back (once he's left home). He'll twist things and use as evidence that you're quiet, off or uncomfortable whenever the BF is around (which is every time you see DS).

The off thing you sense is BF dislike for you because you're someone taking up space in DS heart and brain. Also he's trying to manipulate you too. He wants you uncomfortable so you don't like having him there, as he and DS are joined at the hip that means you won't see DS.

He's trying to make it so DS "decides" to stay home because going away brings too much insecurity about cheating, causes too many arguments etc and doesn't seem worth it. Its not decision and free will, it's manipulation and control. He's literally punishing DS for spending time away from him. Whether he cheated or not is irrelevant, he caused the upset either way, putting DS attention back onto him, derailed DS concentration on the course which possibly affected his performance and so sabotaged his career.

I'm so sorry your DS is in this situation and I hope he sees the light soon before too much damage is done to his self esteem

Definitely sounds coercive to me. Your poor DS.

You really need to talk about all of the red flags you're seeing in his relationship. You can tell your son you are absolutely not trying to tell him what to do, but because you love him you need to have a conversation about this. If he gets upset with you, so be it. He'll still hear you.

Sorry to say yes it sounds like coercive control - sounds like he’s trying to sabotage your son. Not sure what advice to give, other wiser posters will hopefully have good suggestions 💐

Your kid is letting himself be manipulated thats what it is .
Raise it with him but raise it once then drop it.

I've found something else out tonight, ds told me that he has been involved in a threesome with this man who his boyfriend slept with & his boyfriend, I don't know if this was consensual or not, I'm even more worried now. Ds is only 18, this is his first relationship.

You need to have a serious discussion with your son, ASAP. He's being taken advantage of.

Do you think it could be some kind of grooming/sexual exploitation? What is the age difference? He seems quite young esp as first relationship. Don’t like the sound of this bf, don’t know why he was going through your son’s wallet.

Ds is 18 the boyfriend is 23 but acts more like 16 or 17.