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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is being secretive over this odd?

15 replies

SparklyOcean · 18/09/2022 21:31

My inlaws have gone on a big, exotic holiday for my mil's special birthday. It's been planned for ages, over a year at least and they were keen to tell us about it as they were naturally excited. But they've just put some photos on social media and my sil and partner are with them.
My husband is not a jealous person at all, he gets on with his sister and there's never been any rivalry between them. I'm not sure if my inlaws think they'd be seen to be favouring one over the other. From my perspective, I just think it's odd to keep quiet about it but maybe that's unreasonable to say?
It's not that we would go on that sort of holiday anway as we've got young children and it wouldn't be practical. Sil doesn't have children. So of course our circumstances are different and we would never expect to be asked.

However, Dh and I are aware that the inlaws possibly prefer hanging out with sil and her partner to us. We laugh about it sometimes because our lives are so very different. We're more humble types, normal jobs and 2.4 children, they're more entrepreneurs with high aspirations. I think they're just more exciting to the inlaws which is fair enough, we can't be something we're not. But strangly, there have been a few big things inlaws have done with sil they have kept quiet about until it's put on social media.

Also, we do see dh's parents quite regularly so it's not like we don't have the chance to chat about what we're all doing. Dh has said that he sometimes feels like his parents see us as more of a chore because we have a baby and toddler. I get that seeing us will be different to sil and of course it's fine if they do want to do more things with them than us but I don't get the secrecy around it.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 18/09/2022 21:34

It’s very weird for them not to say something before they went, but people can be weird.

Lentil63 · 18/09/2022 21:37

Gosh that does sound odd. They must know you’ll see the social media posts.
I would be hurt if this happened to me. I’d have to talk to them, I suppose they may just believe you wouldn’t want to go? Good luck.

SparklyOcean · 18/09/2022 21:47

Like I said, there have been other things. Inlaws went to see a big concert earlier this year which they told us they were going to. When they put it on social media, turns out sil and partner went too. I don't get it.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/09/2022 21:55

I think it’s sly and sneaky. This reflects only on them and not you.

i would casually mention the next time you see them ‘oh you didn’t mention SiL and bil were going away’ and see how they respond

i always think it’s sad when grandparents don’t see the value in their grandchildren

however the daughter may well be the favourite child and her children may well be invited along on future holidays (if she has any going forward)

vipersnest1 · 18/09/2022 22:02

I'd be hurt by that to be honest.
It all feels a bit underhand.

SparklyOcean · 18/09/2022 22:18

I think the sad thing is, dh has wanted to be closer to his parents since we've had the children because he values family and our children building relationships with their grandchildren. But I don't think this value is shared with inlaws.

In fact, they'll be moving away next year. They told other family members (including sil) before us and only then told us because dh knrw something was going on and outrightly asked them.

They're generally nice people but I don't like this secrecy.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/09/2022 22:26

I’d be hurt by it. It’s so unnecessary given that they could have invited you and you’d have declined.

LondonLovie · 18/09/2022 22:29

Could it be the fact they know you wouldn't go. Maybe they think not worth asking you or rubbing your nose in it that SIL is glintZ
They put it on social media so it's not like they are hiding it.

Cherms · 18/09/2022 22:41

Quitelikeit · 18/09/2022 21:55

I think it’s sly and sneaky. This reflects only on them and not you.

i would casually mention the next time you see them ‘oh you didn’t mention SiL and bil were going away’ and see how they respond

i always think it’s sad when grandparents don’t see the value in their grandchildren

however the daughter may well be the favourite child and her children may well be invited along on future holidays (if she has any going forward)

I agree.

You mention you might be more boring in comparison but decent parents love their children equally even if they choose to spend their lives in different ways. And often on MN people complain their parents/in laws are spending more time with a sibling because they have children rather than your way round.

It shows you you can't please everyone all the time. Keep being you and enjoying the life and family you're making for yourselves. Don't go low contact but do only see them when it suits you rather than putting yourself out.

Brigante9 · 18/09/2022 22:47

I think that’s incredibly secretive and sly. I’d definitely be putting a pass-agg comment on the photo ‘Had no idea sil was going, would have loved to come had we known. Next time, hey’. 🤣 I think it’s really shit of them.

SparklyOcean · 19/09/2022 07:47

It just doesn't add up. They're nice people and they've helped out both us and sil with our respective homes which was very generous. We didn't ask for that, didn't expect it but they had a big inheritance and offered some money.
With the holiday, it's not about the holiday itself. With two little ones and both in term time jobs, we wouldn't have gone and would not have expected to ha e been asked. But if inlaws have known and told us about this holiday for over a year, you'd think they would have mentioned sil going too? It's not the kind of destination where she could have gone last minute.

It does make me feel that maybe I can't entirely trust them.

OP posts:
SparklyOcean · 19/09/2022 07:57

Cherms · 18/09/2022 22:41

I agree.

You mention you might be more boring in comparison but decent parents love their children equally even if they choose to spend their lives in different ways. And often on MN people complain their parents/in laws are spending more time with a sibling because they have children rather than your way round.

It shows you you can't please everyone all the time. Keep being you and enjoying the life and family you're making for yourselves. Don't go low contact but do only see them when it suits you rather than putting yourself out.

@Cherms yes, you're right, it is normally the other way around. It's not that they don't see our children and no doubt love them a lot. But I'm not sure how much they really enjoy being grandparents. They evidently love putting holidays, events, their achievements, etc on social media, but not their grandchildren. Which is fine, I'm not saying they should but what I see are their preferences and priorities in life. I don't think we're part of that.

And yes, I do wonder if sil is the favourite child and if she does have children, I have a feeling inlaws could be very different.

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 19/09/2022 07:58

I think you're right you can't trust them. Other peoples family dynamics are weird. Maybe they prefer their daughter to their son. Maybe they find your children hard work. TBF the holidays and concert examples would not be child friendly. Maybe they just don't think it's any of your business who they socialise with!

mycatisannoying · 19/09/2022 08:20

That's so strange! YANBU.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/09/2022 08:25

If they don't know you have seen the social media, why not target them? Send a text, "Hey SIL, since the folks are away on their fabulous trip let's get together. We have some free days next week and are planning to come to (where they live) and want to see you. We have hotel reservations and plan to make reservations at (expensive near them restaurant) for dinner - our treat. See you next Monday!"
Then let them squirm their way out of it.

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