To lose my sh!t once a month at my family?

[Monkeytrousers04]

It seems to happen about once a month… I totally unleash all the pent up frustrations that I harbour day in day out as a working mum of three kids (2 school age) and a partner that only does stuff to help out when I remember to remind him.

Normally I just get on with it, pretty much non-stop from the moment I wake up until the moment I sit on the sofa at about 9pm and fall asleep watching tele.

At weekends my partner turns into to a monosyllabic grump so I keep him out of the way by getting him to take the kids to their various activities and/ or supervise them while they play out with the neighbours (he actually gets on really well with two of the dads so if they’re out as well he has a great time!) Meanwhile, I’m just chugging away inside, doing my chores, listening to them having fun.

But then, about once a month something inside me changes - I think it’s hormonal as I was like this more often during my pregnancies - and I suddenly don’t want to take their crap any more. So I moan at them, point out the stuff they could do to help me, and shout at them when they won’t stop bickering with each other.

My partner looks at me as if I’m mad - and usually walks off shaking his head when I’m mid-moan. The kids look at me all puzzled like “what’s happened to mummy?” And I eventually turn into this female Hulk-type character storming round the house finally allowing everything that’s annoyed me over the last 30 days or so to come pouring out.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon refereeing all four of them (yes, partner bickers along with the rest of them) and I was trying my hardest to keep going and then boom! I lost it and told them all to go upstairs and that I’d had enough of them, started ranting about homeless people not even having a roof over their heads, let alone a TV and here they are arguing about which movie to watch, etc. etc.

They all just stared at me, nobody moved.

So I poured my half-drunk cup of tea into a travel mug, got in the car and drove to one of my favourite places to go walking. I sat on a bench and watched the sun set and then drove back. They were all sat there happily watching Sing 2, so I had a shower and went to bed.

This morning it’s all returned to normal. The hulk has gone and I made everyone pancakes…

I feel like the things I rant about during my outbursts are all valid though and if they all helped me more then I’d not feel so burnt out all the time and perhaps wouldn’t then need to have an outburst.

AIBU?

I imagine you'd feel a lot less rage if you didn't have to deal with a useless, disrespectful manchild sitting in your home creating conflict and making work for you.

I voted YABU not because you’re being unreasonable losing it but because you’re not doing anything to practically change what is a shit marriage and then going mad once a month. Which doesn’t help anyone. Sit down and talk to your husband when you’re not angry. If he doesn’t change, leave him. Don’t be a martyr as you’ll regret it

I hear you OP.
It probably is partly due to hormones but a lot due to being driven nuts by your family. It's hard to keep it all together, stay organised, remember appointments, sort kids out for school etc etc and hold on to your sanity!
Taking yourself away is a good solution when you are at your wits end. I often do it. Coffee in hand, podcast on headphones and walk. You should do it more often.
As for sorting out your family to help you more and be less selfish...let me know when you find out!

I had a mum who would randomly blow up out of the blue (as far as I was concerned as a child, obviously there was something that set her off) and it was horrible not knowing when the next explosion would be. YABU

Yes I agree with this. You’re not unreasonable at all to be totally fucked off and fed up with the way your life is, with you taking on the vast majority of the drudgery as well as working.

BUT if you don’t address it and don’t do something to change the status quo then YABU to start acting like an arsehole once a
month. It’s your partners fault that he’s apparently a useless turd but it’s your fault that you choose to accept it and put up with it, expecting a random outburst to solve a long standing dynamic.

Locking your rage inside until it eventually explodes out is not reasonable. You need to talk about things properly and deal with issues as and when they occur.

Right, I see you are being blamed for your H being a lazy man child. He knows damn well he is not pulling his weight. He has the capacity to know this AND you tell him once a month. And he ignores you.
You can’t solve this by yourself, he has to want to listen and engage.

Oh I feel you. Kids are only 4 years and 6 months so it’s not them. It’s their Dad. Most of the time I buzz about 24 hours a day trying to keep everyone fed, dressed, going where they want/ need to. My diet consists of the things other people didn’t eat and I wear what I have time to put on and shower with people shouting at me. Every few weeks I lose it with the kids dad. Friday I pointed out that I’m not on slave leave, he could get involved in caring for the kids, house, pets and that the default isn’t I do everything and he goes to work. I’m on may leave and still paying the sodding mortgage so he needs to step up.
he’s actually been good for the last two days so the kids are happy and house and garden sorted.
but why do I gave to lose it for him to do that?

id live separately if I could afford it!

Its because nobody in your house except you is pulling their weight and i'd be putting a stop to that.
In every other country children have to do chores, they don't sit about doing nothing all day.

Can you create a chore chart so what needs to be done by the family unit is a visual ( not sure I read how old your DC’s are but even young they can have chores of making their bad etc ) …. This may help the jobs required at home and tell your DH you are going to take your walk to your favourite place weekly it will be great for you to have some time and good for him to be sole parent for an hour or two…

Remember no one ever died wishing they had done more laundry !!!

My mum had dreadful PMT and once a month she made our lives a misery. Her hysterectomy was the best thing that happened to our family. At the time we didn't know it was PMT but during one screaming fit of abuse I remember shouting back "YOU DO THIS EVERY MONTH".

If it isn't worth shouting about 25 days of the month then it isn't worth shouting about. Get a plan in place. Identify the main issues at home, work out what can be changed and what you can live with. And get to the doctor to start regulating your hormonal cycle.

YABU

My mum was like you growing up and it made childhood a bit crap. Not knowing when she'd lose her shit

You need to sort your marriage out for the sake of your children and your overall happiness - don't think this isn't impacting your children as it will be