Ex husband wants to reconcile

[Oddbobbyboo]

Divorced from my ex husband 12 years ago. Four children who he has no relationship with. Massively let them down. Let me down… is a general waste of time. I’ve rebuilt my life, raised them alone but have not yet met anyone to settle down with. He’s remarried, she’s 18 years older than me x he’s 54, I’m 41. He was abusive, a liar, a cheat, unreliable…. Everything you would not want in a man.

Anyway, for years he’s been wanting us to reconcile despite still being with his wife. Her first husband died and she’s mortgage free…. He is now what I call a ‘man wife’. Works part time to keep his income low so he doesn’t have to pay high child maintenance etc.

Recently he has been messaging me and is desperate for us to sort things out…. He was my first and currently only love. I’ve been so strong, blocked him etc… but now he’s reached my work emails - easily sourced online because of my job. The stuff he says has really bothered me…. Like I am actually considering it!

I pride myself on being quite level headed but this has blown my world apart. I think I’m lonely and need to give my head a wobble but I can’t talk to anyone else. I just want these feelings that make me feel good about him to go away.

I’m so ashamed about how I feel.

I’m far to ashamed to speak to a friend about this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so ashamed of myself? I just want to cry rather than work through the self sabotage I have going on 🥺

You are unreasonable to be shaming yourself. Not one tiny of piece of your OP suggested to me it would be a good idea nor that it would be for love.

If my ex turned up and I asked to reconcile I would consider against all bad advice because I felt it might undo the pain and hurt, that if we had a happy ever after it would undo all the pain and suffering caused to get there. It wouldn't. It's the same thought process that makes it so hard to leave

You've done so well to build your own life. You deserve a new start not whatever he is trying to sell to you which I'm sure will only be with his best interests at heart and most definitely at your expense.

OP the man you want back doesn’t actually exist, unless you want a freeloading, self serving, shit father. In fact how would your DC react, knowing that he has come crawling back after ignoring them for so long?

I was going to say blocking him wasn’t strength, because what on earth about him would make it in any way hard to say no? Then I kept reading, and your shame shows that you do know he’s no a good choice.

You need to realise that what is driving you to consider it now isn’t him (as in how good he is - and he isn’t) but something a wee bit messed up in your own thinking. So concentrate on that. Do you have any possibility of counselling to talk about why you’re still attached to him? If not, can you maybe repost in Relationships not about taking him back, but about why you feel like this?

In the meantime, well done that you have been strong, you can do this.

You are being so strong, OP - please keep staying strong. I know this is so much easier said than done though. Would you be able to get some counselling sessions? That might help with talking about your feelings in a safe and confidential environment and helping you work through them. Sending you hugs and best wishes 🌺

Am I being unreasonable to feel so ashamed of myself?

Please don't be ashamed.

He's a bastard arsehole. He cheated his own children of his support, both emotional & material. He tried to wreck your life. He didn't because you are STRONG.

Block, block, block him. Pretend he does not exist.

The man is a child abandoner, who also has been robbing his kids of money he owes them. He is vermin, below contempt. Imagine him sitting smirking as he types, thinking you’re such a mug to even read his drivel never mind contemplate letting him slither into your bed again. Forward the emails to his latest wife.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have had so much counselling and that’s probably why I am ignoring him. I know from experience that no good comes from engaging with him. I guess it’s his ego that gets me and the cheek of it all. I would forward the emails to his wife but selfishly whilst he’s there he’s occupied and cannot come and go as he pleases. If she kicked him out he’d become obsessed with us again. From previous experience. I also believe that he would talk her around. When my children were very young they waited on Father’s Day for him to collect them - turns out they were getting married in the Maldives…. So I can’t say that I’m a fan of hers either.
Its just nice to offload… your responses have really helped me x

Tell him when he pays all the money he should have been paying had he not by intentionally kept his income low, you will consider it. He won't. You will see.

Wow I can actually see why he would want you back @Oddbobbyboo you sound awesome given all you had to do after he completely ducked you over. He on the other hand is merely a habit for you, a bad one, like maybe a cocaine habit. Gives you a thrill but absolutely awful for you in large quantities and no good for you in the long run. You deserve so so so much better.

He is really pursuing you. That’s quite worrying behaviour.

So he's planning to leave her, move into yours, force a sale of her house so he gets half of it - just how long do you think he'd be around once the financial settlement hits his bank account?

You'd be colluding in his financial abuse of his wife.

Does that make it any easier to

Block him again
Forward his emails to his wife
Contact the police about his harassment of you?

There may be some resources here that would help you clear your thinking about being with an arsehole freedomprogramme.co.uk

@BudgetBlast cocaine habit….. oh my days that describes it perfectly.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I wouldn’t do that….. I actually feel sorry for her but that’s because I think she is now in a position that I was in a decade ago. I can’t feel or worry about her situation hence why I won’t inform her. I also acknowledge that she has made it clear from the start that my children will not be part of her life… she told my youngest daughter and her cousins at a family party that I was obsessed with him and needed to stop begging him to come back…. There’s so much that has gone…

Give yourself a massive shake. Not only did he let you down, he let your children down. Are you really willing to forgive him letting them down? For changing their lives completely?

I doubt you want him back as you’re quite clear that he’s a shit. It’s probably more that you would maybe like someone in your life.

If you ever did let him back and he left again are you really prepared to undo the last 12 years you’ve done and go back to how it felt then?

Do yourself a favour and keep ignoring him and go after a chance of being happy with someone much more deserving.

12 years.

Don't ever go back with this man.