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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can you spend TOO much time with someone?

23 replies

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 11:57

Some may recognise me as I have come to MN a few times to seek advice & let off some steam regarding this topic.

My father came to stay with me and DD(4) in July, this kept extending. it's now September Im back in work & DD has just started in reception. The first two weeks of term my father helped with childcare while I was working due to DD's class only starting with half days to get them used to school.

He was planning on leaving at the end of September but is extending his stay AGAIN because my brother is going to stay here until he goes travelling. I also had my sister here for a month during the holidays before she went travelling.

I don't necessarily have a massive problem with him staying with us, it's just he is always here, he has a tendency to hover around me, if I want to spent time alone I have to sit in my bedroom.

I've never been one to be able to spend too much time with someone, I have been a single parent for 6 years so I have become very independent & learnt to enjoy my own company to the point it's vital for my mental health now. My father only really came back into our lives this year after living abroad for 6 years.

My daughter is with her dad this weekend, & normally I'd just laze on the sofa and chill out, yoga, read, go shopping etc. but having my own father here has changed that. I'm literally never alone & I get so irritated. It wouldn't be so bad if he would go out or go and see friends for a day or 2, but he is here more than I am! There was one afternoon he went out and it was just me & DD, it was so nice, we watched a film & ate snacks. As soon as my dad got home my daughter just went crazy & hyper as she always is around him. I get so much sensory overload from all the noise I have to take a time out. Sometimes I can't wait to go to work :/

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

mountainsunsets · 18/09/2022 12:01

You must be saint. There's absolutely no way I could tolerate this.

WaveyHair · 18/09/2022 12:04

Dear god I would have imploded by now..

Lou98 · 18/09/2022 12:05

Are you sure he has a home to go back to? I would wonder why he keeps extending when surely he's paying bills for somewhere he hasn't lived for months?

You're definitely not BU to want some space.
I think I would be having a chat with him and saying while you've appreciated the help with childcare etc, you need some space for you and DD

99redballoonsgobyy · 18/09/2022 12:09

yes, I absolutely love my alone time not that I get much of it as have dc! but I totally understand you as I'm the same. one of my parents came to stay with me a few years ago for about 8 weeks, bloody hell I couldn't wait for them to go we even ended up having a row which I felt awful about afterwards.
I could never live with a partner either I do have someone in my life but we have separate houses works great for us! I feel suffocated round people 24/7.

ManateeFair · 18/09/2022 13:02

I think most people would want their house back to themselves if they had a relative staying for that long. If I had one of my parents here for months, plus siblings also coming to stay for long periods, I’d go insane.

LeilaDarling · 18/09/2022 13:47

This is my idea of hell, not keen on visitors at all, maybe 1 night at a push but long term would be intolerable.
Could you start hinting it's time for him to go?

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 19:47

I feel awful for feeling like his. I wish he lived near so we could visit each other as and when but this situation gets me really down and frustrated, it has been made even more difficult by my siblings staying for long periods of time. The problem is I am the only one in our family with a proper home. My dad lives on a little boat abroad, and my brother & sister are travelling. I'm dreading the day one of them asks me if they can stay with me again when they return to England. Before we moved into this house me and DD lived in a first storey flat, I got no long staying visitors then....

OP posts:

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 18/09/2022 19:48

A guest like fish goes off after two days!

Hbh17 · 18/09/2022 19:51

Just tell ALL of your visitors to get out! What gives them the right to hang around at your house for so long?

CambsAlways · 18/09/2022 19:54

Well you are more tolerant than me, I wouldn’t have that happen not in a million years op

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 19:55

& he is also really helpful with DD & general house maintenance, helps with shopping & bills, anything I ask him to do he does it, so I really shouldn't be moaning, but I feel the way I feel.

To make matters even worse, he dislikes DD's side of the family due to some awful things that happened between me and DD's father, so I try not to mention him & feel awkward when DD talks about her Daddy as she still sees him every weekend & has a strong relationship with him. So co parenting & pick ups & drops offs I feel I have to keep covert, it's very tiring. DD's side of the family and I are still in close contact due to me not having family around for the last few years.

OP posts:

SleeplessInEngland · 18/09/2022 19:57

You do sound like a bit of a doormat. 😕

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 19:58

@Hbh17 Because I'm the only one with a proper home, & I think they feel it's where they can all gather now. My Grandmother always allowed guests & visitors with open arms, so I guess they think It's normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 19:59

@SleeplessInEngland I have been called that many times on here! I have an issue saying no to my family ever since my dad sold our family home & moved away. I didn't want them feeling like they didn't have anywhere to run to if life got bad, but give them an inch they take a mile, evidently.

OP posts:

Alpineyog · 18/09/2022 20:02

Of course you can

I understand your situation, my DF lives abroad and when he comes home it's for months at a time and he stays with me

My DH always laughs as I get so excited to see him, then within 5 days I want to kill him!

This then drags on for 3-4 months of me being praised for not clubbing him over the head

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/09/2022 20:06

My idea of hell - there’s no way I would have this in my home. I am stressed on your behalf just reading this!

GoneWithTheWine1 · 18/09/2022 20:07

I would tell your dad it's been great him being here, and you've enjoyed it but you need your home back now.

You're just going to have be brutally honest.

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 20:21

@Alpineyog I would love some advice from you, sounds like our situations are similar!

OP posts:

Hymnulop · 18/09/2022 20:25

He lives on a little boat abroad?? How old is he? Sounds like he's had enough of that life and wants to stay here. You need to have a chat with him when your DD is not around and work out what his plans really are.

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 20:27

@Hymnulop He's retired, yes I don't think he wants that lifestyle anymore, one of the things he said he wanted to do was get to know his granddaughter. I think ideally he does want to move in permanently.

OP posts:

Alpineyog · 18/09/2022 20:31

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 20:21

@Alpineyog I would love some advice from you, sounds like our situations are similar!

Honestly my advice would be you might need to be honest and ask him to leave or give a set date that you need your space back. I try and do this every time he visits, I give a set vacate date and lord help him if he pushed it back.

My dad is a shit houseguest, he doesn't drive so I'm taxi, turned housekeeper, turned company if he is bored!

I also WFH so having him here every year is torturous as he is around all day, I live remotely (villiage) so he stays in the house all day every day

I wasn't joking when I said about clubbing him over the head

Original poster

mermaidtail · 18/09/2022 21:05

@Alpineyog I live remotely too, so he's also in the house all day, I have suggested him going out more & said he can use my car. I've suggested he stay with his sister too.

Perhaps a direct message as I've a few more things I'd like to ask without the world seeing :)

OP posts:

Trulyweird1 · 18/09/2022 21:10

I remember your previous thread, and I wondered then how you’d managed to avoid screaming at him, and your sister, to get out of your space.
Take him out for lunch somewhere neutral, ask him what his plans are, tell him what you want ( e.g. your space back; him to find his own place nearby; whatever it is) and take it from there.
if you want him gone, give him a realistic deadline.

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