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Help- perspective needed please

4 replies

Butterfly008 · 18/09/2022 11:12


I really need some perspective please x

I'll try and keep it short.

I got married young at 22 and it wasn't a good one at all- he wasn't physically abusive but emotionally he wasn't there (sexless for a good 5 years) but I loved him and tried to make it work. We eventually ended up splitting around 10 years later so all of my 20s was in this rubbish relationship.

I met another man- same aged to me 35 and we get on really well. He's kind and caring and we have an absolute blast. He spent his 20s f-ing around and ended up with a substance abuse addiction which
he managed to overcome and he's clean nearly 3 years.

Due to circumstances we ended up moving in together. I earn double than him- during my marriage I built up my career am whilst obviously he was partying etc during his time. His starting off building his career now. When we moved in- he knew it would be a struggle but he had 2 new possible jobs in the pipeline which would mean we'd earn the same so it'd be easier.
However these weren't fruitful so his current employer offered to pay for a 3 year degree however his salary would remain the same. Obviously it means he'll continue to struggle- savings are non existent etc.
There wasn't a huge amount of discussion re the degree and what it would mean for us for 3 years but nonetheless it's a fantastic opportunity for him.

Now we agreed to pay half on the rent and I would pay the utilities and he'd pay the council tax. He has a car which he pays for and whilst the car is his- when we go out we both use it because I no longer have a car. On top of that I pay for all the food and going out to do things like theatre/ going out to eat is all me. He simply cannot afford it which I understand.

I consider him my partner and i have alot of time for his family so when is his niece/nephew birthday I buy the presents etc.

I often have to top up the rent because he struggles to meet the payments- sometimes by 100/200 even 300 or contribute to the car. Paying this on top of food/ social life I don't save very much at all.

I'd like to add as part of the divorce I kept one house and my ex kept another so I own a property which I'm responsible for without we have tenants who cover the mortgage.

I moved away from my family to be closer to him and the plan was to stay there for a year or so and come back to the area (his parents aren't far from mine) but now he's taken the degree were atleast there for 5 years now.

I sometimes get annoyed I have to pick everything up and after a 10 year shit marriage I just want to be taken care of too. I worked hard to build my career whilst he messed around and I want to just live and enjoy my life but i feel I'm now having to support him.

I am mindful though I might be being a complete idiot and I should be more sensitive and supportive of him. I also know perhaps we moved in way too quickly out of convinence. I can see a life and future with him and care for him deeply. However its also in the back of my mind that I could support him and when he's done he could have and I'll have nothing to show for the 3 years if that makes sense?

Any perspective?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

10 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
mamabear715 · 18/09/2022 11:16

I just thought 'But is he a good guy?' If so, another three years isn't bad, before his earnings pick up.
If he's NOT, or you're feeling really resentful, that's a different matter..

Butterfly008 · 18/09/2022 11:59

He is a good guy and caring. Obviously been through his own traumas in life. I do have a lot of love for him.

I do find myself resentful because after leaving the rubbish marriage I wanted to travel etc too which isn't possible now.

I don't want to be horrible to him either because it's not his fault and he is trying his best but i can't see anything changing until he atleast graduates in June 2025.

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 18/09/2022 14:32

I'd personally give him time, but only you can decide.. he sounds ready to settle & try his best.

Butterfly008 · 18/09/2022 17:51

Thank you mama bear - that's really helpful x

OP posts:
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