To just not bother making new friends?

[honeyandbutterontoast]

A couple of months ago I moved house to a different area. It was a move from necessity but only a couple of hours max from where I lived before. I had a handful of what I classed as close friends there (separately not a group) who I would see every couple of weeks, speak to every couple of days. These were friends I had had for 10 years plus. And I just assumed we would continue to chat, find places in between to meet maybe once a month or so.

It seems since moving I’ve just ceased to exist. I have tried to keep in touch but it’s clear now I’m not on the doorstep I’m not in their lives. My messages get left on read or I get a “just off out now, will message you when I get back” type message, which never happens.

When I moved here I planned to join groups and make new friends (to add to the existing ones!) but now I’m thinking what’s the point? I spent years building my old friendships, being a good friend and for what?

so aibu to just not bother with people anymore? I’m single, so I go days now without a proper conversation with another adult. I think I am lonely but I’m hoping that will pass.

YABU not to bother making new friends just because you've been burnt by old friends.

I think when people move it's very much out of sight, out of mind. I had the same thing when I moved. They will be busy with their own life's maybe they can't afford/or have the time to meet half way like you expected?

Friends don’t have to be friends for life- although sorry for how you’ve been treated. Less pressure and chat to people locally, see if you gel and enjoy the friendship if you do

Yes I think out of sight out of mind. And I would have been perfectly happy to head back that way for lunch or something, if half way was too far. Or even just have it as a text friendship (worked during COVID after all).

They do have time, they don’t want to. It’s that simple.

im fortunate I do have a long distance friend who I’ve always travelled to meet every couple of months but I’m trying not to burden her with “my only friend” status 😂

But you’re only cutting off your nose to spite your face. One collection of unrelated individuals has disappointed you. Is that really a good enough reason to render yourself lonely and isolated?

I’m not unsympathetic to your hurt, OP — I had someone I believed was a close friend of years and when circumstances meant his life moved less than a mile down the road (same university) so that we no longer bumped into one another ‘naturally’ on a daily basis, he simply never got in touch again. I spent months leaving him messages and answerphone messages to no avail before realising that what for me had been a friendship of the heart for him had purely been one of proximity.

But some friendships survive distance. I’ve also got plenty of those. Don’t damage your own happiness over this disappointment.

I've moved around a lot so have made a lot of friends over the years. I've learned that on average I take 1 friend with me when I move. And actually that's enough - I couldn't cope with more long distance friends than I have!

Just chalk it up to experience- you get to know who your real life - long friends are, but also enjoy the company of those 'location' friends whilst you are there.

Travelling an hour to meet somebody for lunch is quite a big deal OP and I wouldn’t want to do that very often. I have a young child so maybe that’s what I’m bearing in mind but people have busy lives so a two hour round trip on your weekend off is a pita. There’s no excuse for not messaging you though.

An hour? Really?

I don’t see an hour as a big deal and these aren’t the kind of friends who would see it as a big deal, or at least I hadn’t thought so! But then none of us have young children, so not at that stage.

I think it just happens; I moved about a mile
down the road when I split from ExP. I don’t see most of the friends i had there very regularly, a combination of not being part of a couple and not being there any more. but i do have new friends now 🙂, proximity is more important than we recognise sometimes.

I think generally you would need to be the one travelling back if you want to meet up.

You need to make new friends. It will be really lonely for you otherwise.

I've moved a few times and keep in touch with some people but other friendships die off. Not because I don't like them - it's just hard work keeping in touch with everyone.

I would travel back, but they aren’t even replying to my messages! So not as if there’s a reason to travel back?

Heartened that it’s happened to others, was beginning to wonder what I had done wrong. I think I will just not message now and see if they get in touch.

It also depends on your message. Vague "how are you"s can get overlooked, have you tried something decisive like "hi I'm going to be in the area this coming Saturday are you around to meet for a coffee"?

Although I'm sorry this has happened to you, I do think this is natural (ie not personal to you), and I don't really agree with your "what's the point" comment. If these were good friends for 10 years then that's the point - 10 years of enjoyable friendship!

It's not that I don't value old friendships - I do. I have friends from school and uni and old work colleagues from a job I left 17 years ago. But I wouldn't expect to meet any of them once a month - more like once a year!

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face!

I can see that was a hurtful situation, but I think the majority of friendships are based on being at the same place at the same time and the minority of them carry in through life.

Most of my school and work friendships have fizzled out eventually after someone has left, but it doesn't make them useless friendships or a waste of time.

I've moved around a bit and have never had that many friends, but honestly, I can't be bothered to be travelling to see friends at weekends. I do it only rarely. With work, local social plans, travelling to see family (who all live hours from us), setting time aside to do DIY or garden projects, and going on the odd weekend break etc, I don't have many weekends free.
I've made a handful of friends in my new town, which DH and I moved to 4 years ago, and I love the ease of having local friends who live 5 minutes away. Being part of a local community is my priority now.

Op I've lived in the same area now for 17 years and I would say that of all the friends I've met - and there are many - if I moved away now I don't think I'd stay in regular face to face contact with any of them. That's not because I don't want to, I just appreciate that people are really busy. I also appreciate that perhaps haven't really made the time to develop the kind of deep, deep friendships that weather over time. Even my oldest friends from school and Uni are on an ocasional text / meet up if in the area basis.

I really do believe that 99 per cent of friendships are transient. It doesn't mean I don't value my friends, they are all amazing, wonderful women who I like very much. But in terms of contact, I'd say that we meet up and socialise together because we feel the need to socialise with people we like not because we're desperate to see each other for each others' sakes, if you know what I mean.

It’s weird, I had thought these were deep meaningful friendships (one friend called me in the middle of the night once to tell me she was leaving her DH for example, or I’ve taken them for hospital ops etc) but clearly they weren’t. I would have totally understood mum at school gate kind of friendships not carrying on.

Anyhow, I won’t dwell on it. I think for now I will concentrate on me and DC, get another dog 😂 and just be open to friendships if they happen but not put a lot of effort into replacing friends!

Sorry you're feeling hurt about this, OP. 🤔
I've had similar experiences, not with moving away, but with circumstances changing.

For instance, for several years a group of us were close friends. One moved away, two fell out, and I (obviously wrongly!) assumed that myself and the other member of the group would still be friends. After non-committal replies to my suggestions to meet up, or no reply at all🤔, I had to give up on her.

It's also happened with school-run mums, whereas I felt our friendship extended beyond the school gate, once our children started secondary school I didn't hear from them again. They seem happy to chat in the street, but don't respond to 'Let's meet for coffee' suggestions.

A real shame, it's horrible to be brutally cut off and realise they saw you as 'convenient at the time', whereas you saw it as long-lasting friendship.

I hope you find some new friends, OP. x