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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not get my SIL anything?

21 replies

gonewithtthewind · 18/09/2022 06:24

I've got the vibe for a long time that she doesn't particularly like me, I don't know why. I think I'm some ways she may feel like I've taken her brother of of her, I've never stopped her from seeing us or him. I invite her places all the time, but she makes no effort with us or to see us. She doesn't reply to my messages either, I've tried and tried but I just feel at a point where I want to give up.

I don't really feel like I'm on the same level with any of his family at times. We get her partner presents for Xmas/birthdays or give money. Whereas I don't get anything from them, well I did last year, I got a frame. Just a frame that she left the 90p sticker on! I really don't care about getting anything, I don't want anything but sometimes I just feel maybe a bit bitter that I've spent so much money on her, her partner and her children to get nothing back, I've also given her and her children clothes for nothing (I don't want anything but it to be appreciated!) and nor does our child. She's due her third at the beginning of next year and I'm due shortly after. I was going to make her a gift with bits for her and the baby but I'm kinda just sitting here wondering why should? Like it wouldn't be appreciated anyway and she wouldn't put the time or effort in to do the same. I don't know if I'm just being bitter, I guess I just feel like I've done something when I know I haven't. It feels like she hates me or dislikes me for no reason, there are lots of other little things but the post would never end! I'm kind of thinking of just leaving it to my husband to get her something rather than me having to think about it and pay for it all. (We share our money but you know what I mean) it's just a tough one because I want to try for him but there is only so much I can try until you get fed up!

OP posts:
Aubriella · 18/09/2022 06:29

YANBU, you need to step back and let DH buy for his family f he wants to.

Why have you taken on this task, especially for an grateful, spoilt brat who does;’t get you anything. I bet that 90p sticker was left on deliberately.

So stop buying for SILL stop buying for her partner, stop buying for her children and just stop buying for in laws! Let DH sort it, it’s not your job! Does DH buy for your family?

Original poster
gonewithtthewind · 18/09/2022 06:32

Aubriella · 18/09/2022 06:29

YANBU, you need to step back and let DH buy for his family f he wants to.

Why have you taken on this task, especially for an grateful, spoilt brat who does;’t get you anything. I bet that 90p sticker was left on deliberately.

So stop buying for SILL stop buying for her partner, stop buying for her children and just stop buying for in laws! Let DH sort it, it’s not your job! Does DH buy for your family?

No - it's more of a joint thing but he tend to just leave it to me. Which I'm fine with, but it's tough when it's not appreciated. My partner has sound countless times that he feels more comfortable with my family and like he's part of something with my family but not with his own. It's sad so I think he does feel the same but doesn't want to upset anyone!

OP posts:
Greydogs123 · 18/09/2022 06:38

Stop being so polite and worrying about what someone might think. She doesn’t appear to care for you, so why should you put so much effort in. Tell your partner that it’s his job to buy something for the baby and all future presents and don’t put yourself out anymore.

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2022 06:40

shes telling you she can’t be arsed.

step back and stop doing anything for your DH’s family unless you really want to and it makes you happy.

but if they’re not going to acknowledge it or be grateful or reciprocate. I’d really not bother.

your husband can deal with his family how he best sees fit.

if anyone asks say oh I’m so busy right now, we’ve agreed that DH is doing his side and I’m sorting out mine. And change the subject.

hattie43 · 18/09/2022 06:42

If your not sure give a basic gift but personally I'd let your OH deal with his family . From what you've described she just sounds rude and is making minimal effort .

For baby if your OH doesn't step up id just send a card and small teddy just to acknowledge the birth

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/09/2022 06:47

Message now and say cost of living, let’s not bother with Christmas gifts and cards. Small acknowledgement of new baby. Token gifts for kids’ birthdays and nothing for adults.

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2022 06:48

I’d leave the messaging to DH too. It will only create resentment if OP does it.

let the two siblings sort out things amongst themselves.

IamnotSethRogan · 18/09/2022 06:50

It just sounds like you're trying to set yourself up for misery, not just buying her a present but putting lots of effort in. Just tell your husband you won't be sorting gifts for her/her partner out anymore (you shouldn't have been in the first place) and don't give it anymore headspace.

Unfortunately sometimes people just aren't nice and not everyone in life likes us. It's sad when it's family but dwelling on it isn't going to get you anywhere.

FinallyHere · 18/09/2022 06:51

it's more of a joint thing but he tend to just leave it to me

Not much of a joint thing of he just leaves it to you, is it? Start the way you mean to go on, leave him to sort out his family.

This is how wife work starts. Don't have time for that stuff

ZekeZeke · 18/09/2022 07:35

You remind me of my sister. Every year she sends gifts and cards to her SIL and her children.
Nothing in return. She is married 30 years.
She continues to do it. She continues to be frustrated and moans yet she doesn't stop.

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2022 07:36

Let your husband send something if he wants to and take a step back

Sushi7 · 18/09/2022 07:37

@gonewithtthewind I think you and DH should stop buying presents for the in laws. I wouldn’t say anything to them. When birthdays, Christmas and new births come along, don’t send anything. Maybe just send a card, but no present or money (for children and adults). They’ll soon realise that you are no longer a mat to be walked all over. Use your money for your dc and family, not your ungrateful in laws that cba with you and their son.

KangarooKenny · 18/09/2022 07:38

Let your DH buy for his family.

Billybagpuss · 18/09/2022 07:39

especially this year it’s time to stop buying for adults. Believe me it’s a relief to all when you make that decision.

MumCanIDoThat · 18/09/2022 07:41

Yanbu, just stop. She clearly doesn't like you so I really don't know why you keep trying to win her over. She doesn't deserve anything more.

Fraaahnces · 18/09/2022 07:41

Absolutely look after yourself and your own well-being rather than worry about such a miserable person. She may not even notice the lack of a gift.

Darkness22 · 18/09/2022 07:53

I do my side and dh does his side. We now just buy for the kids. You don't need a vagina to buy presents.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/09/2022 08:40

Defo leave it to DH.
I did that with dhs sibs. They never got another gift or card!

MzHz · 18/09/2022 09:06

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2022 06:48

I’d leave the messaging to DH too. It will only create resentment if OP does it.

let the two siblings sort out things amongst themselves.

100% this.

anything else will blow up in your face @gonewithtthewind

just tell your dh that he’s doing the his family admin; gifts, comms etc and you’ll do your family admin.

Question: if the family gifts stuff needs a vagina to do it, how come your dsil isn’t… answer: because it doesn’t need a woman to do it, and even if it did, your sil doesn’t want to gift your family anything or bother with you

stop flogging yourself for those who can’t be bothered to at least be polite.

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 09:07

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2022 06:48

I’d leave the messaging to DH too. It will only create resentment if OP does it.

let the two siblings sort out things amongst themselves.

This. 100% this.

TeeBee · 18/09/2022 09:15

You need to match the energy she's giving you. You're not going to get what you're giving her so take an almighty step back.

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