How to recover from embarrassment?

[santorinii]

I was at work today and was crying badly all day. Everyone noticed. My mum died this morning. I didn’t tell anyone at work so they just think I’m weird. Work only gives 5 days off for bereavement and I don’t think it’s enough time. At any given moment I could just burst into tears and can’t focus on anything. Obviously can’t get help from GP until Tuesday but even then, what could they do to help? I just can’t get myself together

I am very sorry about your bereavement. Its an extremely hard time, but things do get better.

Do not be embarrassed about crying at work. Even if they didn't know why, your colleagues will obviously have realised something very bad has happened. They will not be judgemental and especially not when they find out the truth.

As others have said, make use of your bereavement days - do not force yourself into work - give yourself time and space to grieve.

Your employer and colleagues will support you, if you let them - please do let them.

Please take care and look after yourself. Seek and offer support among family and friends at this tough time.

All the best to you.

Thank you for the kind words. I am dreading tomorrow. Would I be okay calling my manager tomorrow to make them aware? If so, what do I say? Worried they will ask me to go to work to request leave

I was completely devastated when my mother died. I was unwell at the time anyway and was the executor of her will so had a lot to sort out. I ended up needing to take 4 months off as sick leave. Take your bereavement leave and, if you feel you need it, take some sick leave as well. Only you know what you need. I imagine that most people won't need to take as much leave as I did but I was really unwell anyway, although still working, so it was a perfect storm for me.

I’ve managed teams over the last 20 years, please call your manager and say you won’t be in. Say your mum has died and you need to take the bereavement leave. Explain that’s why you were crying as you had just found out. They won’t expect you to come in, they will understand. I’m so sorry for your loss, If you need more time then getting signed off for longer would also be completely understandable in these circumstances

Thank you for posting. I’m really bricking it and hope my manager is as understanding as you are.

I'm so sorry. Please don't worry about what other people are thinking. You are obviously grieving (even if they don't know), you have every right to grieve and it's perfectly normal to grieve. Please don't be embarrassed. Maybe you can tell them and do talk to your boss so you can get some time off. Take good care of yourself!!

You must be devastated OP! I'm so sorry that you've lost your Mum, it's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me, so you have my every sympathy. You probably went in because you were on autopilot to some degree. Please don't worry about what others will think of you, all you need to do right now is be kind to yourself, and like others have said, take the time you need to grieve. Sending you a big comforting hug.

I’m so sorry OP ❤️

As you’re worried about speaking to your manager tomorrow, I wonder if you’d find it helpful to get all your thoughts and what you’d like to say all outlined on paper first? Maybe you could email your manager, then follow up with a phone call if that would help? Or you could write yourself a small ‘script’ - basically like what’s been mentioned in this thread so far.

Wishing you lots of support and sending hugs x

So sorry for your loss OP. I think you need to let your manager know and they can inform the team and then you get signed off. Sending healing thoughts your way 💐

I voted YABU because I don't think it's reasonable that you were at work. Pleaae stay home and give yourself time.

I am so very sorry for your loss xxxx

OP, suspect you are not thinking straight at the moment. This is the time you use your bereavement entitlement. You can just state you are going to use it. No conversation required. Assume you would support another team member in a similar situation. Are you UK based?

OP I hope you've phoned your manager. Take all the time you need x

I have called but couldn’t get through. May leave a message instead, but my manager is super insistent on calls

God I'm so sorry OP.

When my mum died I had two weeks off, but unfortunately as I started the two weeks a day before she died and then the funeral took a week to plan I went back the day after the funeral. It was horrendous.

Are you able to be signed off? Most GPs I know would happily sign someone off after such an immense loss so they have a few weeks to stabilise somewhat before going back into work.

I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your mum. The next few weeks, months, and years will be one hell of a rollercoaster as you try to adjust to life without her. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with loved ones, and remember that your body and mind are going through an unimaginable stress, so have low expectations of yourself.

Leave the message. Your manager can have a bit of compassion.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Take it easy, be kind to yourself, give it time x

Take the 5 days now but be prepared to take sick leave if you need it. Can you email/Teams your manager with the facts so you don't have to explain everything and just say on a call you won't be in? . When I lost my mum in June, those 5 days were easily swallowed by supporting my dad with the arrangements and the funeral itself, since them I have been helping him and my siblings and trying to maintain some normality for my 5 year old. Only now am I starting to process my own grief and am considering signing myself off

I now feel I should have taken more time in the immediate aftermath

sorry to hear about everyone that has suffered a loss too, thanks for sharing your experiences and for helping me 🙂

I managed to message my manager - they’re expecting me back at work next week and weren’t particularly supportive (they were asking the ins and outs of her condition which was weird).

My GP has given me a month long fit note. Aibu to use it? I already know my work will treat me differently when I return. My work is toxic, if you knew the company, you wouldn’t be surprised! I don’t want this to count against me when applying for jobs.

Glad to hear you can at least have a few days now to rest and recover ❤️ You’re absolutely entitled to use the fit note from your GP if you’d like to.

I’m really sorry to hear about your workplace culture though - that sounds horrible. Perhaps see how you feel towards the end of this week, and then decide whether you would like to use the fit note?

If we take your workplace culture out of the equation and forget about it, do you think you’d use the fit note? I know it’s very difficult, but imagine you had a different workplace culture where you felt supported, and think about whether you would use the fit note then - perhaps try to use that as a guide.

Sending hugs x

Your GP will sign you off on ‘bereavement leave’ I bc was given 3 days when my father died. I went to the GP and got 2 weeks on a sick line.

Aibu to use it

Of course you should use a month long fit note. In fact, I'm pretty sure you will not be covered by the company's insurance if you have been 'signed off' by your GP so can't actually go to work.

Tell work about your fit note. Take some time for yourself.

Any energy you find, start looking for a new job. I hope you find a good employer who values you.

Oh sweetheart, so so sorry for your loss. Take the 5 days and extra holiday if you can.

I hope you have support around you. 💐