To stop doing nice things for my kids?

[Ridelikethewindypops]

I think I've accidentally raised spoilt and entitled children. Obviously no-one does it on purpose, but I really thought I knew better. I haven't lavished them with expensive clothes/items/ gadgets....but I did get them whatever they
" needed" without question. I also do alot for them I suppose, in terms of driving here there and everywhere. I genuinely thought this was part of parenting.
But now I've realised they have an expectation of this never ending service from me!! I don't need them to thank me 100 times a day, but Jesus the whinging when I say no to anything. And the 12 year old starts at least 3 times a day with " you never......insert nice thing....for us anymore"
I do everything!! Now I think I do too much. They completely take me for granted.I lost my shit completely this morning and just told them I'll be putting myself first from now on. The thing is, I like doing nice things for them, but when it becomes sort of expected of me, it takes the joy out of it. Should I never have done nice things? Should I never do nice things again? Have I ruined my kids for life? 😥

I couldn’t have written this today. I’ve just told them that I am not their housekeeper and I didn’t have a family to be one! They’re tidying their rooms now :)

They need some allocated chores, upon which the nice things depend.

Children always tell their parents that they never do X,Y,Z. .... and guess what? - their friend's parents do! It is all part of the script.

Let it wash by you. Tell them you will do nice things for them if they do nice things for you - that is how the world works.

My children sometimes get things done for them and sometimes they don't. For instance, if it's hammering down I will sometimes drop them to the bus stop, which is a 15 min walk away otherwise. Sometimes I won't. This is precisely because I do not want it to become expected of me.

My dad used to say "no" sometimes too. If I asked why, he would say "because it's good for children to hear the word now every so often". It's always stuck with me and it's how I do things too.

My husband would be more like you and would do things for them if it was no skin off his nose. But I am at home more, so they have to put up with my way of thinking lol.

Some of it will be the age, to be honest. Your twelve year old is at the start of that sort of entitled, rude, dismissive behaviour that honestly is normal - I know probably loads of people will jump on me and say it isn’t, but I really do think it is.

If they are delightful around everyone except you, you’ve probably done just fine

Why don't you go on strike for a few days? So they begin to notice and appreciate what you do?

As parents, I do think we should provide our kids with everything they need and some of what they want. But we should also teach them to appreciate what they are given and have. A few days of mum on strike should make a point!

Omg they are delightful in school! People frequently remark on what lovely children they are! I thought this was an even worse sign for some reason. I'm sort of relieved and reassured that it's normal ish behaviour, I was genuinely looking into booking myself into pareing courses.
I will take the advice here and say No more often. I'm definitely sticking with putting myself first for a change too. I was definitely in the very bad habit of putting my needs last, I don't know how tha tcrept up on me.

As parents, I do think we should provide our kids with everything they need and some of what they want
This is what I thought I was doing, but I seem to have gotten confused about which were needs and which were wants along the way. It's like they hypnotised me or something!
IneedIneedIneedIneedIneed.....😵‍💫

No! No, no, noooo! They feel safe with you and comfortable and very secure in your love. So of course (lucky you) you get all the horribleness, stroppiness, frustration over friendship problems and tiredness and feeling strange but don’t know why. All of it is yours because you’ve done a good job as a mum - wonderful isn’t it!?

Seriously, I don’t know that you do need to say No more often. I mean, by all means if it’s genuinely a pain for you but if it’s just to make a point I don’t think it will make them more grateful. It’s more likely to breed resentment. It’s probably unfair but looking back, I’m able to see my own parents did so much for me in terms of lifts and so on but I didn’t appreciate it at the time. I do now, I’m sure your kids will too.

Entitled rude and dismissive young teens may be “normal” for you but it’s sure as hell not in our family🙄. Would not put up with being treated like shit or taken for granted by my own or anyone else’s little darlings thanks.

Both our teens are appreciative and thank adults that do stuff for them us included. Not raising little Verruca Salts.

Yes, I can see you were raised with delightful manners.

@MsTSwift How did you raise appreciative teens? That's all I want really. A little bit of appreciation ( not an outpouring of daily gratitude)and not to be taken for granted.

I do think 'being taken for granted' does come with the role though.

you've spent their whole lives needing to do stuff for them, transitioning to doing stuff for themselves is a learning curve for both parents & children.

you just need to start with 'you're capable of making lunch if you're hungry' 'walking two streets over to your friends' etc letting them know what you now think they're able to do for themselves that you previously would have done/wouldn't have allowed them to do. They don't have crystal balls, they don't automatically know when you think they're old enough to do things for themselves that you previously would have done.

Theyve never had to think about feeding the cat/hanging some washing out/emptying the dishwasher or whatever, so you need to ask them to do it.

I think too many parents just expect them to start doing stuff that was previously done for them. Stuff they've never had to even consider.

it's like starting a new job, they need to know what they are/aren't expected to do.

Rudeness or demands I won't put up with. Nope. Being ASKED to take them
places, fine. Being TOLD they're meeting x at y and being expected to just drive them. NOPE. Being asked if I can take them to Y, fine, but also accepting when the answer is 'No, I'm going out before then and won't be home. I can drop you at x o'clock or you'll have to go another day/get a lift/the bus...

No! No, no, noooo! They feel safe with you and comfortable and very secure in your love. So of course (lucky you) you get all the horribleness, stroppiness, frustration over friendship problems and tiredness and feeling strange but don’t know why. All of it is yours because you’ve done a good job as a mum - wonderful isn’t it!?

I think there is a bit of this, sorry! If you want fawning and adoration, maybe try being a useless Disney parent who frequently doesn't turn up to see them when you say you're going to and whose love they think they need to win. Unfortunately, your loving security means they take you for granted, like part of the furniture that's always been there.

Having said that, I don't think there's any harm in suggesting that more of what they wanted might be forthcoming if they showed proper appreciation for it, particularly because you are a human being too and not just the resident mum-bot.

I think of parenting as a wavy line. When you are at the top of the wave you think you’ve got it sorted, then before you know it you hit the dip and think ‘my parenting sucks’.

So you make adjustments as you go along (and exactly as you are doing now). Don’t see it as an all or nothing, just that a periodic adjustment is a little overdue.

I think we’ve all been there, and don’t forget nobody ever complains when they are an adult ‘my mother was too nice to me’.

Best of luck and you sound like you are doing fine. Have some guilt free days of putting yourself first.

Once they get to 12 and are ‘secure’ and gobby enough to start telling you your name with knobs on then they’re ready to start treating a little differently. Show them you’re a person in your own right with a requirement for respect and consideration - don’t be afraid of being a bit stern and gobby back and putting them back in their box.

On the flip side you can start to give them more freedom and independence with boundaries and expectations. Stop mummying them and doing everything for them. Help them solve their own problems and praise them for being sensible and mature. Reward them with praise for adult and supportive behaviours. Eg. ‘Text me where you are regularly and you can stay out longer’. Thank them for complying and that it helps you to not worry because you care about them so much. Always remind them you love and value them.

They thrive on both that additional freedom, being treated more adult and parental approval so it’s a self perpetuating system. It worked for us anyway!