To ask single mums…

[HettyHensHideaway]

For you tips? Major life changing circumstances and I now find myself as a stay at home single mother of a toddler. I’m freaking out a bit. Some help from friends and family, not a lot.

What’s your best getting by suggestions? Any particular toys or books that your child loved that gave you ten minutes to do chores here and there?

Just let the child play and you do the chores. The kid doesn't need constant supervision. If it really does, get a playpen.

But you're more than able to just leave a room to put a wash on, or hoover. No magic methods.

He’s not very good at playing alone…he is 2 and he wants me a lot. But then he’s been through a lot so I get it!

How old is he? We had to isolate when DS was 2y1m and I was exhausted because he wanted me so much but by about 2y4m he was playing really well on his own (I recall noticing because I was first trimester pregnant and I was so sick I could barely look after him).

I’d recommend giving up chunks of uninterrupted time and then telling him mummy is going to do jobs and leaving him to it. The amount of time he can play alone will slowly grow.

I was widowed when my son was 2 and I got a TV! Hadn’t had TV before as we just watched Netflix as and when on a laptop etc, but honestly it was great to have CBeebies to entertain him while I had a shower, cooked dinner etc. I think you can’t possibly keep the same standards/lifestyle as a single parent household as you did as a 2 parent household, so go easy on yourself and let yourself find what works for your new situation.

Theres a single parents app called Frolo - the feed is a bit Facebook-ish but you can look up local meet ups with other single parents.

Gingerbread have online advice and a forum too but they seem to have stopped meeting up on my area, but look them up.

There was a good thread recently with tips for another single parent - www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4634635-can-you-please-help-me-organise-my-life-i-am-so-overwhelmed-and-ignoring-everything?page=1

It sounds like he is clingy at present because of what you have been through. The way to treat needy people I'd to give all the hugs and attention they need, then it will pass.

I'd say, try not to do too much at once. Food shop done, sit in the garden or park and have a cup of tea. Watch the little one be fascinated by the grass birds etc. Nature is very healing.

My DS slept in my bed for a couple of years after as he wouldn’t settle on his own and was very clingy at night times. I don’t think that’s uncommon as have heard quite a few other parents (whether after bereavement or divorce/separation) say the same.

Once the children are in bed, I make myself do something for 30 minutes- laundry, dusting, unloading dishwasher etc. I know if I sit down I'll not get up again and this way I just about keep on top of everything. Pointless trying to get much done when they're around as they just create more mess/washing!

It gets better. At that age I would aim to do chores when he is in bed and put him in front of the TV for things like food prep. I had some kind of kiddie tablet with no Internet and only pre-installed games on, can't remember the name, which kept them quiet too. For my kids a Disney film would usually shut them up for a while!

But it does get better. When we first split up, my 4yo had screaming tantrums every night and my 6yo cried herself to sleep. It was a difficult time but it settled, we got through it and now we are a very close, family unit.

I've been a single parent for 16 years now!

I always encouraged independent play when dd was little, I would set her up with toys and start playing with her and then leave her to it. I was lucky that she was very imaginative and couple play well for hours.

Definitely allow for some tv time.

Get out every day, go to the park, shops, soft play, friends house etc. We always went out every day unless one of us was ill.

Get him involved with helping you, he can help clean (give him a damp cloth to dust with), hoover, hang washing out, put dishes away, cook dinner. My dd all of these things from a young age.

Go with what he likes, my dd loved animals and bugs so I spent a lot of time when she was little finding farms, garden centres that had pets and going pond dipping!

Minimalism, is my main coping strategy.
Ruthlessly declutter enough and you'll find the housework becomes a breeze. I spend maybe 5 mins per room per day and my house looks like a show home a lot of the time - I can't think straight in mess.
Same with commitments, don't waste time on stuff you don't really want to do.
Routines. Make them and stick to them. Meal plans, template shopping lists, lists in general.
Make sure there's a portion of every day that is just for you and protect it fiercely.
Teach your child to play independently. A timer helps with this. "Play for 10 mins and I will be back" etc.

Been a lone parent for 13 years to DD13.

I found one of the biggest issues was exhaustion, so I co slept with her until she was 4/5. I was working full time so sleep was a premium and she never settled well. Co sleeping fixed it. It's not for everyone but I think single parents need to use every trick they can. She happily went into her own room/bed when she started school.

Some other great tips on here too but just remember it's the early years which are the hardest, it gets easier.

It was so long ago... I found short television programmes designed for pre-schoolers a boon. We had 'Rosie and Jim' - gave me a few minutes to make lunch. 'Rainbow' - I could tuck the toddler behind me as a lay on the sofa, and could get in a ten-minute life-saving nap. I don't know what the current programmes are, but there will be something. Never be ashamed of using what is available! Oh, and long walks/pushchair rides with short playground visits are free, very tiring and likely to lead naps shortly afterwards.

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Don't feel you have to constantly entertain your child. You will spend more time with your DC than most parents.
Let the housework slide: as long as things are clean a bit of mess won't hurt either of you.
Be kind to yourself. It will get better.

Building blocks, an activity centre, a sand tray. In a playpen. And work HARD in getting him to entertain himself. I never did with DS and I'm paying the price now he's a teen...it's screens all the way because he never got into Lego or craft activities and he's a little patience or resilience to learn a new skill.

• agree on getting them to entertain themselves and encourage independence with dressing, making cereal, etc from when they are able
• for housework look up the organised mum method, basically spend half an hour on one room each day
• after your child's needs are met, prioritise your sanity and sleep above everything else. If that means co sleeping so be it. My DS4 still appears in my bed most nights (he was an awful sleeper as a toddler)

I became single when my dc were 5 and 2

DD co-sleeps (even better now it's colder as she warms the bed for me before I get in 😅). In terms of housework, I write off one room and that's where DD plays - Lego, dress-up, drawing. I tidy up around her.

On a Sunday, I batch cook, do the laundry and wash the dishes ready for the week, and we spend a lot of time in the kitchen: I put the radio on and DD sits at the kitchen and draws, or watches her tablet. We sometimes have a little dance together if there's a particularly banging tune on. I'm totally relaxed about TV/tablet time and, by and large, DD polices her time with it quite well.

DD is 4, I've been a single parent officially for a year but parented alone for a lot of her life. My single top tip is to try not to beat yourself up about the stuff you can't achieve. Tomorrow is a new day.