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AIBU?

Stay friends or leave the group

12 replies

MrsG269 · 17/09/2022 06:55

yabu - try and be friends
yanbu- forget them and move on

Hoping to get some opinions on my friendship group. I have been friends with 3 ladies in our group since school, we all became a group when I got engaged and all reconnected. This was 8 years ago, prior to this I was best friends with 2 of the women not as a group but individually. Our group would message on WhatsApp regularly, meet up as much as we could and we all seemed to get on and have fun, the group was great at this point. When friend A got engaged 6 months later I was so excited for her and was looking forward to chat wedding talk with her. Immediately she seemed competitive, she changed with me over night and I felt everything was a competition. She was my bridesmaid and organised my hen, another one of my bridesmaids wasn’t helpful and I got the impression from friend A she was enjoying her not being a good friend and would tell me the negative things she was doing. She was very off on my hen do and chatted to a lot of my friends but I didn’t get the warm vibe I used to get from her. Fast forward to my wedding day and she was miserable, even my husband said in the photos what is wrong with her, she didn’t speak to me all day and at one point I was stood next to her and she gave me the most awful look up and down (this sounds so trivial but I would never do this to a friend let alone on their wedding day!). I overheard her saying it’s just horrible to her husband and I said is everything okay and she just said yes of course, it was so odd I just got in with my day and ignored her. She put the worse pictures of my wedding up on Facebook, my day was so lovely but she didnt put my flowers/us smiling nice pics etc just ones of her doing selfies/one where I wasn’t smiling it was very odd! She would be really off in the group with me but false and really nice via text or 1-1. After this I was a good friend to her (I held on to the fact we had good times when we were younger) for her hen do, even though at this point I felt our friendship was not the same. Fast forward to lockdown and us 4 ladies had young babies/were expecting. We all used to message and check in on one another, I hadn’t told the other two how I felt about friend A as she always comes across nice and helpful and didn’t think they would understand. I had my baby in lockdown and had awful pnd/ocd. I was really poorly and tried to confide in friend A, she seemed to understand as she has seen her family go through depression. The other two women knew I was anxious/wasn’t myself but I never told them how bad I was. They would message the group a lot and meet up every week, I couldn’t do this as I could barely leave the house. When I did manage to meet up I felt a very cold/unwelcoming atmosphere. It was like they didn’t want me there/they had been talking about me. I used to come away and feel terrible about seeing these women who were meant to be my friends. I messaged the group saying I was in a bad place and I wouldn’t be meeting up for a while,I got no response except friend A Pmd me saying she was here for me. Fast forward to this last year and I am in a much better place, have a lovely family and some really nice friends this group all catch up regularly, friend B has been in contact recently and I don’t know what to do. Friend A has had a difficult couple of years with personal issues but it doesn’t explain her behaviour before this and excuse her coldness with me when I was poorly. What do you think? Would you just ignore and carry on? I’ve been invited to a drinks night by friend B and the others will be there, I don’t want to go as I think they will make me feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’ve heard of how sometimes a group singles one person out to make themselves feel a stronger connection, this is how it feels. Thanks for reading my long post!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

30 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
43%
You are NOT being unreasonable
57%
knightsinwhitesatin · 17/09/2022 07:08

I think if you’re happy now OP I probably wouldn’t go and risk slipping back to how they used to make you feel. Onwards and upwards, some friendships don’t last and that’s ok. Sorry this happened to you but I am glad you sound like you are doing well now.

Darkness22 · 17/09/2022 07:15

With friends like these, who needs friends. Move on, you're doing well.

Cognacsoft · 17/09/2022 07:23

Friend A sounds awful.
Don't meet up if you are reticent.
If you do go have a pre planned reason to leave early if things haven't changed and you're not enjoying the company.
That way you won't feel so upset because you will have anticipated the dynamic.

dustofneptune · 17/09/2022 07:36

Honestly I think you should either just drift off and let go of them, or talk to them one on one about what you're feeling. Nobody wants conflict, so feelings and issues tend to get buried then come out in passive aggressive ways, through looks and glances, general vibe, etc. And without having an honest conversation, it's difficult to know what's really been going on.

Personally, whenever I feel off around someone - belittled, small, put down, judged, or just simply uncomfortable in a way I can't put my finger on - I tend to just back away and phase the person out. I only communicate if I'm extremely close to them and value the relationship, or if they directly ask me what's going on. I think the way you feel around someone really speaks volumes to hidden dynamics, so I'd listen to your discomfort and either drop them or give it one shot to have an open conversation.

MRex · 17/09/2022 07:45

Way too much drama. If you don't feel like catching up then don't, but essays about whether her photographs of your wedding were good enough are ridiculous. You have no idea why she was upset, it could have been a big issue that she was hiding so as to not spoil your day. You even admit she was sending messages to say she was there for you, while you were the one backing away, and that she has her own small baby so has had a lot on. I think it's important to understand in friendships that neither of you are responsible for the other one's happiness, and that both of you will have your own issues to handle. If you prefer newer friends then just say you're busy and leave it alone, but it's best not to take dramatic actions that you might regret, because you might appreciate an occasional catch-up further down the line.

firsttimeoptimist · 17/09/2022 07:46

I think that everything you have been going through with your mental health has made you only aware of your own feelings (that is OK as you might have needed to focus on yourself). Maybe other stuff was going on in your friends' lives that you know nothing about. Not everything can be about you - maybe your wedding triggered something for your friend? Good friends talk about this stuff! I would have been straight on the phone asking if SHE was alright? That said, I am with the poster above. Sometimes friendships have a lifespan and if you don't want to meet up with these ladies or you want to continue a friendship with one/two of them individually then do that! Friendships are a choice.

Sceptre86 · 17/09/2022 07:53

From your post I've got that friend A was awful to you at your wedding but the friend you decided to confide in about v your pnd? Was she helpful at the time if your ond did she check in on you?

Tbh it's drama I could do without so I'd message that I couldn't make it and let the ftiendshipnwith these ladies come to a natural end. Your time is precious, value it more.

Sceptre86 · 17/09/2022 07:53

*about your pnd
*friendship

MrsG269 · 17/09/2022 08:10

Thanks for the replies. It’s good to hear different opinions. I understand the Facebook pictures are not important in the bigger picture it just felt harsh from a supposedly good friend choosing the most unflattering ones. I used to check in with her and ask how everything was and were we okay at one point and she just said yes. I feel like I did try. She did change and I don’t know why. I know what you mean about only seeing your feelings but I can honestly say I hid my problems well from people when catching up, I would go out with the group and just listen to their problems and feel like an outsider tbh. I would come away and just cry and then have to deal with my own issues on top it was a really hard time and would have been nice to have the support. I’m not looking for an argument, I think you are right just move on and say hi if I see them but I don’t think I’m part of the group anymore.

OP posts:
MrsG269 · 17/09/2022 08:27

@Sceptre86 friend A didn’t check in but I wasn’t upset as she had stuff going on, we both messaged occasionally and that was okay. My problem is when I did make the effort to go and see the group I was met with coldness and always felt like an outsider, even though she knew how hard it was for me to go. I did ask her on the phone one time if the group had a problem with me but she said it was anxiety/pnd.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 17/09/2022 08:28

Go for drinks at B's. Be pleasant but nothing more than that to A. You need new friends. But you should get some counselling, because I would find you too needy and fragile as a close friend.

Aprilx · 17/09/2022 08:37

I don’t understand this, you spent ages portraying A as an awful friend that was mean to you, but then it is her you speak to about your later issues not the others. I couldn’t be bothered with any of this, far too much drama and none of you sound like friends.

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