Support from partner

[racquel86]

I had 10 months mat leave after our first baby, I'm now back at work 4 days a week which I enjoy and is vital for maintaining good mental health for me, and DD attends nursery 4 days - I have 1 set day off to spend with her and the weekends, Partner works a rolling rota of 4 shifts.... so far DD has been at nursery a lot on his rostered days off simply cos that how it's fallen. Despite him not being at work I'm always the one to get her up, dressed, sorted and to nursery in time and making sure I get to work on time. I also always pick her up, get home, feed her, change her, wash the dishes from the day, tidy up, sort the washing, cook tea, get her to bed. I don't begrudge anything I do for her she is my absolute everything.
BUT - AIBU to want a little extra support from DP? like the washing up doing, our tea being cooked, bottles sterilised once in a while? My only break from being mum/house keeper is going to work. DP has days out with friends, goes to the gym, can please himself with his time.
This is causing horrendous arguments and making me so miserable cos I feel our relationship is falling apart. And of course he always says 'it's me' I'm being unreasonable cos I wanted a family and I can't deal with the stress 😢
DD was poorly recently so I kept her off nursery cos he was on a day off (I was working) to look after her, i knew he would struggle but surely that's part of being a parent. Usually he's one to find any excuse not to go into to work but low and behold he tells me he was likely going to go into work the next day even tho he told me he was going to be off prior to DD being poorly, and it was down to me to sort DD if she couldn't go to nursery.
AIBU to feel taken for granted? That all aspects of parenting is down to me, that I should miss work when he decides last minute he'll probably actually go to work rather than bd off as planned?
Feeling so frustrated and miserable

Yes he is being unfair. He seems to want life to be the same as it was before dc came along and that's not reasonable. Could it be he lacks confidence? Do you leave them to it at all on his days off? He should definitely do nursery runs on his days off and house chores should be split. Have you tried sitting down at a time when no one is stressed or resentful and talking it through? I had similar with dh and it was hard. He genuinely felt he couldn't put more in due to exhaustion/stress from work. I ended up taking a lower pay less stress job (I hated my job anyway) with less hours. So now I do most of home but it's fairer in terms of our contribution. We do have less money and I have less pension contributions so it's not ideal. He does help out with dc on weekends now tho but I think them getting older has helped.

Another useless man. It's not OK. He needs to step up. Or leave him. What is the point of him?

Ah the old 'you wanted a family' trope.
Men love that. Like it was a chihuahua you forced him into getting and he had no say.

another absolute disgrace of a man.

So on his rolly roster, Mr big man just lies in bed. Does fuck all. Kids in daycare. While you clean up when you get home. Clean his shit up.
Then get told you wanted a baby so what you whiny whiny for?

Fuck him off

At least if you left you wouldn't need to do those dishes. And on the other hand, is there any sort of support, emotional, practical, anything, that you would miss if he was gone?

The 'you wanted a baby's excuse is pathetic, at the time it was a concept, it's in the past. He could have abstained from sex / worn a condom / left the relationship if he didn't want a baby. I'm presuming he didn't tell you explicitly that if you has a baby, he would do literally nothing to care for it. Its reasonable to assume that a parent who lives with their child will do their share of looking after that child.

Of course it's not unreasonable to expect him to do his share (not help you, but do his share) on his days off. Of course it's not reasonable for you to do all the housework. Its really sad that if he has 4 days off he actively chooses not to spend any time alone with his daughter - I know babies are intense and it's nice to have some time to yourself but most people want a balance. It's ridiculous that on days where one of you is off and one is working, that the one who is working does all childcare, logistics and chores related to the child while the other parent lies in bed then has fun with friends.

I'm really sorry but I think this relationship is over. A lot of the time I think things I read on here are salvageable but that's when both partners have maybe lost sight of how much the other one does (eg man doesn't realise how much of the mental load the woman carries because he has never done it) or they try and improve but get lazy or don't know how.

You've spoken to your partner and he has made it pretty clear that he didnt want the baby, he isnt interested in making your life any easier, he doesn't want to do his share, and he doesn't want to change.

I think the only course of action is leave, or give him an ultimatum that if he doesnt do his share, including looking after the baby on his days off (albeit he can put her in nursery for a bit if he wants) you will leave

That old chestnut 'you wanted a baby' I'm sure he was happy to do his part in making the baby. It's his child and his responsibility!

On his days off you shouldn't be paying for nursery, HE should be parenting his own child. He should also be doing all the housework and cooking on his days off, exactly the same as you do! As for weekends, evening and mornings when you are both at home - 50/50. Anything less from both of you is selfish and disrespectful. What a complete waste of space, yet another useless man.

I assume you've been on mat leave and done all the childcare (and probably all the housework) since DD arrived, so his life hasn't changed at all (and may even have become easier if he used to do housework). Of course he isn't going to want to change that. This is why it's so important for men to take some parental leave... but too late for that now.

You need to reset your bar. His contribution isn't 'helping', it's doing half. Half of all childcare and all chores. Admittedly, him being on a rolling shift pattern is going to make that tricky, but the two of you will have to work it out.

It's going to be a battle to begin with, because going from doing 0% to 50% is a huge change for him, and he's going to resist strongly. If he has time to go out with friends/to the gym, he has time to do his portion of the chores.

I think you're going to have to sit down with him and divide the chores out properly. And if he doesn't want that, he needs to clearly explain why he shouldn't be doing half of the chores in the family now you're both working.

"he was likely going to go into work the next day even tho he told me he was going to be off prior to DD being poorly, and it was down to me to sort DD if she couldn't go to nursery."

Nope, you're no longer default parent. That finished at the end of mat leave. Now, if he's supposed to be on a non-working day, he is default parent. If he can't do the childcare that day, he's his job to source an alternative. (What's his reasoning for it being down to you?)

But why are you doing it?? I just don’t understand why he’s in bed or lazing about in the morning while you run around getting her ready and yourself when you are going to work.
Just tell him to do it FS!
I couldn’t get worked up about him using nursery when you are already paying for it though. I have sent DD in when I’ve been off or had a half day, but he should at a bare minimum be dropping her off, picking her up, sorting her out on the evening and probably doing dinner on the days he is off and you are working.