To ask how to stop being jealous

[Linklayer9]

I just posted a thread about wanting to know about my partners past girlfriends as they are in our lives as friends

I feel stupid and weak but I am jealous even though we have an otherwise good relationship

I have always been a bit like this but recent events have made me feel very bad. I know it’s a me problem and relates to poor self esteem

Has anyone overcome it? I feel it could ruin things if not kept under control

Can you identify exactly what it is you’re jealous of? By definition, your partner’s exes are people with whom a relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason or whom they didn’t love or stopped loving: so on the face of it, not exactly something to be jealous of - indeed, quite the opposite.

Two of DP’s exes I count among my best friends. They’re incredibly interesting, funny, beautiful, talented women, I can see exactly why he liked them, and I actually quite like knowing that he’s picked some really great women to be with in the past. Can you turn it around that way? Particularly if they’ve remained friends, it just demonstrates he must be a pretty good guy. They aren’t you and it isn’t a competition, he’s chosen to be with you, not them.

Comtesse gives great advice.

I would say that you cannot force any relationship - friends and family ones too. If you are meant to be then you will be and no amount of grilling/checking up/etc will keep you together. In fact, it could drive you apart.

It is definitely a self esteem problem and is easy for me to say when I'm not involved, but I agree, it is not a competition, he chose you and his past relationships weren't successful.

Never, ever compare yourself to others and never put your self competition with anyone else.

As you say, you could ruin it, and then you have to live with yourself knowing that you ruined it. When you say you want to know about past girlfriends you actually mean that you would prefer he trashed them in front of you. But he has obviously behaved well and chosen not to.

i think part of the solution is just not giving yourself permission to be jealous, recognizing the thoughts as destructive and “not something I do”.

Agree with the PPs.

Except …

Does your DP do things to ensure you feel secure in your relationship? Does he make it clear you are his first concern, or is he (to any extent) enjoying a kind of “harem” of his past and current girlfriends.

Agree with this ^