Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for details or should I just leave it?

24 replies

Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:13

I’ve joined a running club that my partner has been an active member of for 4 years.

We’ve been together for 8 months, I’ve moved to live with him and he and our friends asked me to join. I’m getting to know everyone and hearing he has had relationships with quite a few people there. We talked about our pasts when we first got together and now the names are getting faces as they are members too.

Most were described as a couple of dates which went no further (no sex) and one as a proper relationship. From conversations and throw away comments (all very friendly not barbed) it would seem a lot more has happened - he’s slept with a few people. I asked him and he said he had told me everything.

I feel in the dark and a bit stupid and probably a bit jealous.

Do I bring it up and ask for more info and the details or am I on a hiding to nothing? I want to know but also not sure what the truth will bring me

OP posts:
ChagSameachDoreen · 15/09/2022 23:19

I'm not sure I understand. Has he been shagging his way through the group?

Hawkins001 · 15/09/2022 23:20

Sounds like a swinging group

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 23:21

Whatever he has done it is before he met you. The fact that he asked you to join the group surely tells you that there is nothing to worry about.

DenholmElliot1 · 15/09/2022 23:21

It's a tale as old as time.

Single person seeks out other single people to have sex with.

He's with you now. I'm sure you've got a past too.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/09/2022 23:23

DenholmElliot1 · 15/09/2022 23:21

It's a tale as old as time.

Single person seeks out other single people to have sex with.

He's with you now. I'm sure you've got a past too.

This.

Were you expecting a virgin OP? People meet prospective partners at hobbies all the time.

Trudij123 · 15/09/2022 23:24

I don’t think YABU to be curious, but it’s all in the past, so try not to think about it. Presumably you weren’t a vestal virgin when you met him, it’s the same! ( except you get to see some of the previous people)

chill - he’s with you and he’s more than willing to be seen with you in public !

Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:24

@Hawkins001 yes running and shagging seem to go hand in hand!

@ChagSameachDoreen there are a lot of single people, he has been a member for years but some of the ‘dates’ were close to meeting me

@DenholmElliot1 correct, just mine aren’t coming over for dinner!

OP posts:
FitFat · 15/09/2022 23:26

I would prob change runnin group just cos it sounds awkward and difficult

Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:26

I don’t want to be surprised or blindsided so I want to know the real truth

what he has told me doesn’t seem to match which makes me think there is something to hide?

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 15/09/2022 23:27

Shared hobbies, time spent getting to know each other, then horny members, add in some love or lust emotions, pluck the correct emotional strings and yea. Dancing in the woods so to speak.

DenholmElliot1 · 15/09/2022 23:27

but some of the ‘dates’ were close to meeting me

So what?

Just out of curiousity, why did you move in with him after 8 months?

Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:31

@DenholmElliot1 we spent a lot of time together anyway and I got a new job closer to where he lives

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 15/09/2022 23:32

Me and my partner were part of a friendship group together before we started seeing each other so I get you. We were both a bit player-y before we got together so we both know a lot about each other’s history that I otherwise wouldn’t really be interested in knowing.

it gets easier though. One of his ex girlfriends started working for me and we get along brill. She just acts like he’s an old friend of hers and I’m happy to go along with it really. No jealousy involved!
everyone (most people) has a past and as long as he’s not shagging his way through the group now then there’s nothing to worry about.

he shouldn’t lie though if you’re gunna find out the truth anyway but are people there gossiping or something? I can’t imagine anywhere where a friend would bring a new partner and they all tell her who he’s shagged and when unless it’s a very toxic group

DenholmElliot1 · 15/09/2022 23:32

Please tell me it's not a house he owns in his name only.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2022 23:36

DenholmElliot1 · 15/09/2022 23:32

Please tell me it's not a house he owns in his name only.

If he's smart it is. They barely know each other.

Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:36

@DenholmElliot1 its a rental in both our names - thanks for the concern ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:41

If I think deep down I’m jealous, everyone is fit and beautiful (yes I know he is with me!)

This might sound a bit unhinged (but this is why it’s an anonymous forum! I don’t want to admit this weakness in real life) but I don’t like the idea of some people having been close to him that I don’t know about. If they were not in my life 3 times a week it would be different I am sure

OP posts:
Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:45

@Mangogogogo everyone is lovely, really welcoming, it’s more passing comments as if I already know these things but I’m not sure I do

‘Oh you know when I was with XX at that party and we stayed at that gorgeous place and up all night, well you know how he is!’ Haha

I don’t see any malice in it, just talking about things as though we’re all friends and know each other’s history

OP posts:
MarmiteCoriander · 15/09/2022 23:45

In his mind- he might be thinking that was back then, Linkayner might like jogging and want to join this group? With no idea how it could be perceived. He wouldn't introduce you to the group if something was currently going on I'd hope.

I would feel it very weird/odd/awkward if partner says A happened and the jogging group say Y happened. Maybe seen differently from both points of view, but still an awkward situation I would not want to part of.

Personally, I'd either find your own running group or stick with it and get further info before making up your mind.

Yesnoormaybe · 15/09/2022 23:46

Hawkins001 · 15/09/2022 23:20

Sounds like a swinging group

🤣🤣🤣

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/09/2022 23:50

His relationships before you are none of your business really.

I can see if you are hanging out with someone you’d want to know if he slept with her, but do you mean you think he’s lying about it??

Original poster
Linklayer9 · 15/09/2022 23:56

@Luredbyapomegranate yes I think he hasn’t been accurate, just glossed over the details

OP posts:
wackamole · 16/09/2022 00:01

It's fine if he doesn't want to tell you all the details of every sexual encounter he's had before the two of you were a couple. His former partners are entitled to privacy.

But if he has chosen to tell you and you've caught him in a lie, that's a different issue. Keep in mind, though, that if he has said specifically "I went out on a few dates with Victoria, but nothing sexual happened", only he and Victoria know the truth. If it's innuendo, or it's coming from a third party, I'm not sure I'd believe them over him if you're sure you trust him.

If it's Victoria outright saying the two of them were sexually involved, I suppose you could ask him again - he seems willing to talk about his past sex life and you could have easily have forgotten he even mentioned Victoria and now chatting with her has piqued your curiosity. I'd do it in a lighthearted way, if at all.

But if she's definitely saying one thing and he another, you're going to have to decide if you believe him or not. Not so much because it matters who he's had casual sex with in the past, but because it would be odd if he's lying about something that (1) he didn't really need to tell you and (2) he must have known would likely come out.

mybest · 16/09/2022 00:07

It’s really none of your business, surely you can see that

New posts on this thread. Refresh page