Aibu to be honest in HR exit interview?

[Veja]

I’ve been feeling quite frustrated in my current role due to a lack of acknowledgment and appreciation. Another person in my team (who does same job role) constantly gets praised and acknowledged for their achievements, which is fine I’m happy for them as they deserve it.

However, this colleague who does my same job role then also gets complimented for my work/ideas on top. :( This I find really frustrating!! In the past due to low self esteem/shyness, I would simply accept being second best. Now, I have a bit more self respect I feel I’m being treated unfairly. I rarely get praise or acknowledgment.

This colleague is actually really nice and I can’t blame her for this, she will even at times correct stakeholders during meetings for example and say “actually Veja raised xyz point”.

Despite this, stakeholders (from different areas of the business) still mostly remember my colleagues name and always presume she came up with all the ideas. I’m almost invisible. It’s even got to the point that during email chains, when I’ve made sure to follow up on points/ideas in writing after meetings - sometimes they’ll reply and call me the other colleagues name!! Also, has happened on teams chats or comments on tickets I’ve raised - they will mention the other colleague’s name. (My name is right there?!) Clearly they can’t help but presume the louder colleague who does my role is simply more intelligent despite me actually coming up with more accurate solutions.

I’ve been shy in the past but have come a long way, and have no issues befriending people at work but unfortunately people at management level don’t seem to acknowledge my work efforts here. I go for work drinks and joined extra curricular groups at work too to increase my confidence and visibility. I have made friends from different divisions (but sadly our work projects don’t overlap so won’t get better treatment).

I often will go above my job description too to try and resolve issues and progress projects as I’m keen to get noticed more at work. Now I can’t help but think work smarter, not harder as this is taken for granted and is only helping my colleague get promoted faster as they constantly think she came up with these ideas 😅

Anyway, I’ve decided to cut my losses and move to a new role/company where I hope I can make the best first impression and be acknowledged for my efforts.

I’m still fairly new to working in a corporate environment so not used to etiquette of exit interviews. WIBU to be honest to HR (without blaming or mentioning names) and say that I feel I wasn’t fairly acknowledged at the company or would this burn bridges?

There's nothing wrong with being honest but it sounds like you'd also benefit from reflecting on what you can do to find your voice. In my experience you can't wait to be acknowledged, you need to shout about what you're doing well and clearly articulate where you're trying to get to. Like men do.

Mine lasted about two hours, had a lot to get through 😁

Thanks @HoneyIShrunkThePizza I do appreciate that, and think you’re right! I may not be fully there yet but have been trying to focus on self-improvement rather than simply wallowing in self pity. For e.g., constantly follow up points I raised again in writing so my name is linked to it, but appreciate I could try more things to be even more proactive about finding my voice. Also, I’m trying to not wait to be called on in meetings but simply answering first (unfortunately, there have been instances where I still get called the wrong name)

Is there any point? You might just feel like you've made yourself feel even more vulnerable by showing you've been hurt by them. If you think portraying what you've said will have the HR person cheering for your side or bringing some kind of vindication - you might be disappointed.

I think you'd be better off focusing your attention on what you can do to avoid history releasing itself at your new role. You sound underconfident and slightly bitter tbh - could you find a hobby that builds your confidence, see a counsellor, career coach etc?

I have always believed in not burning my bridges, but before I left my last job when I knew I was done and didn't need them, we had a session with hr on feedback on our line manager, a colleague called me out on what I was saying. I pointed out that I was telling the truth, that he sat 10 feet from the manager, I w was 180 miles away and had never had a conversation. When I visited their office had to stay till 5, so got home at 9... The manager always left ours before 2...so if you have nothing to lose go for it

Thank you @Dogtooth, when you put it like that it actually seems a bit embarrassing want to mention it to HR, as I’ll be leaving anyway.
I do think I need to channel my energy else where and stop letting this eat away at me

Glad to bring a helpful perspective! I've had jobs where I felt poorly treated and it chewed me up for a while. People are a bit oblivious to it, they don't go out of their way to persecute you or anything, they're usually just a bit distracted and mindless. Or sometimes ego driven and self absorbed. Either way you revealing you've been unhappy probably won't result in a hallelujah moment, I'm afraid!

Good luck in the new role!

It's an exit interview so I wouldn't worry about burning bridges.
Is it possible the way you've been treated reflects an unconscious bias? Is your colleague younger/prettier/slimmer/white or some reason it's easier to attribute good ideas to her? As that might be worth raising.
If you approach it from a position of helping your current employer keep staff like you, as opposed to "getting it off your chest", i don't think you can go wrong
Good luck in the new job

Is this colleague very pretty?

I've heard a few times on mumsnet that you shouldn't say why you're leaving, but when I was doing them, I really wanted to know. Staff retention is really important, it costs money to train staff and time to build relationships and understanding of business practice and you don't want good staff to leave for reasons that you can easily do something about.

I don't work in a managerial or recruitment role any more. but there were times when I did that I was absolutely relieved that someone was leaving, but the majority of the time staff were missed and we've loved to have kept them if we could.

I work in HR so have been on the other side of a lot of exit interviews. It is really helpful when people are honest and upfront as it can help us as a company make sure we improve things for the future. It can also help us pick up on issues with management if a lot of comments come up on a similar theme.

In my experience I would say half of people I do exit interviews with are honest about the real reasons they're leaving and the other half tend to keep quiet and not want to say anything. I can understand that but if there have been issues and we don't know about them, it's difficult to make changes.

I'd be honest...polite but say your thoughts and let them know it's because you want to provide constructive feedback. There's no reason it will burn bridges.

@LampLighter414 well to be entirely honest, I’d say they are just average looking or slightly above average in workplace as they are young and slim. (I’m also young and slim though)

However, they’re still easily better looking than me despite not otherwise being someone you’d consider very pretty. It’s more down to the fact that I’m def below average looking 😅

My advice would be not to say anything. You know what happened and you know why so leave and don't give them a second thought and concentrate on how you will tackle your next position.
You will only regret it and it will occupy your mind when it would be better served thinking about the future.
Leave, and do not look back !

I think it would be OK to say something along the lines of “I did feel that I was overlooked and my contribution not recognised” perhaps with one specific example to give if they look like they care rather than are just going through the motions. Keep it calm and professional and don’t bother arguing if they get defensive.

I've learnt through many years of therapy that if an opportunity presents itself to be assertive you should take it. For people who are naturally confident, it's okay for them to say "it doesn't matter". The only way to learn to be assertive and being heard is to practice doing it. It doesn't mean you have to be rude - just tell them the real reasons. From my experience, I notice people behave differently towards me, in a positive way.

I empathise though, I find it upsetting at times that a lot of people are drawn in by personality/charisma rather than knowledge and expertise.

I've spent alot of my working life feeling as you describe. After counselling for a co dependant relationship I finally saw that my relationship with work was very similar and dysfunctional. I was looking for my work environment and managers to provide so much, validation, recognition, a sense of meaning and purpose, praise, self esteem etc. I suddenly realised that my work could not provide that I have to provide that for myself. Perhaps you have also fallen into this trap? You know you Are good.

@SheWentWest thank you, that is really interesting and I now do wonder if I may be falling in this trap too. I have often felt like I lacked purpose in my life generally, and definitely had low self esteem before. Also, considering I often find myself getting frustrated about my work situation, and take these feelings home with me (can’t switch off easily) says a lot about me.

Back in the dark ages it was common to advise women to go to women's consciousness sessions, then they were called assertiveness training, sometimes these days you see courses called "having difficult conversations" and "negotiating skills".

You have two issues - one which is worth taking to HR and one which is for you.
The HR issue is that you have a layer of management unable to assess their people, even when the person they keep crediting is telling them it isn't their work. Nothing wrong with raising this - highlight that it isn't a problem of your colleagues making but its frustrating to work with and you feel its time to try elsewhere as a result.
The other is the self worth - it is worth looking for assertiveness training and women's groups are often still a place to find it in person but there are also online trainings (sometimes through employers if they are larger orgs).

Yes! Assertiveness training is worth it!
Or read this book - its brilliant
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=0f00a139-076a-4d98-af2d-2bd533b04407

Im concerned at the volume of replys advising you to reflect on what you could have done better, when its quite clear from your post that you have acknowledged where you needed to improve and taken steps to mitigate. I think thats great that you looked at yourself first but that doesnt mean that thats okay.
Why does everything have to be so confrontational tho? Its an exit interview and done properly should be a great time to tell them what you have enjoyed whats done well and what didn't work for you. It doesnt have to be an argument and is about the business understanding what they can do differently. Being quiet and low key about your achievements is not uncommonn and is also sometimes cutural. Its a good managers job to understand individuals contributions and bot just the one that shouts loudest.

I think its perfectly reasonable to say I appreciate that I havent always been forthcoming, these are the things ive tried to enhance my skills however Ive struggled to overcome the initial impression and so feel that a fresh start using all I've learnt will support me in being recognised more.

They can then reflect on that as they want to. Ultimately its up to them if they want to do anything to improve their environment and you wont be there to see it. But you can do that reapectfully.

Good luck

I would echo the poster who suggested assertiveness training.

How do you write emails? I have a colleague who writes like

”I was just…if it’s not a problem…hope that’s ok” and it’s all very wet and wimpy.

Gives me the biggest eye rolls.

Much better to be polite, direct, factual

OP, you say you're relatively new to the corporate world.
Some advice....As hideous as it is, you need to really shout about your achievements to be recognised. Here are some ideas:

• Ask for a slot on your monthly team call/meeting to present on the latest project that you're working on.
• Ask if you can contribute a paragraph on your work to a newsletter (if one exists).
• Ask if something can sit on the intranet to drive people towards a page related to your work.
• Put time in with a key senior stakeholder to ask their advice on how they would navigate a particular issue related to the very important work that you're doing.
• Put one-on-one calls in with senior stakeholders to run them through what you've done, why and the outcomes.
• Put together an ROI report and share it with senior stakeholders and your manager "for info"
• Get feedback from stakeholders - face to face, by phone, by email, or via an online survey - to understand how your work has improved things for them, or to gather ideas for what a phase 2/future piece of work might look like.

It's terribly cringey, but you can't be passive and wait for recognition to come to you.
Unless you've done some of the things that I've suggested, I'd encourage you to take this experience as a learning point and avoid discussing this issue in your exit interview.

I disagree with a lot of the comments. I think it’s hugely positive that you are acknowledging your weaknesses and taking steps to improve your position rather than staying and wallowing.

I actually would mention some of your issues - backed up with examples and evidence. Calling you the wrong name on numerous occasions is just awful and I know my boss would want to know if we were losing good members of the team as a result of such thoughtlessness.

No one would think any less of you for being honest as long as you keep it professional, and it might bring about some positive changes in the business. Isn’t that the point of an exit interview?

”I think its perfectly reasonable to say I appreciate that I havent always been forthcoming, these are the things ive tried to enhance my skills however Ive struggled to overcome the initial impression and so feel that a fresh start using all I've learnt will support me in being recognised more.”
@Mamma80 thank you!! Think that is a helpful way of phrasing it without coming across as too bitter/insecure

Good Luck!! It can be hard when you feel overlooked but youve looked at what you can do first and then gone and done the best thing for you! This is brilliant you should be proud, youll be an amazing asset to your new company.