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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad everything is going to change

12 replies

Pregnantpolly · 15/09/2022 18:51

We never really planned having a child but I got pregnant. We have been together since 2015 do it's not a new relationship.

I'm coming 35 weeks pregnant this weekend and it still hasn't hit me that I'm having a baby. I've been anxious throughout about the worst happening and there still remains that fear about stillbirth.

That aside I had hobbies and clubs I attended and that was my social life. I also used to go to the gym. I just see a future where I can't do any of that.

I do want to breastfeed and I'm concerned that it's better not to express for first few months so baby will be constantly attached to me.

I don't even think I'll be a good mother if I'm already having all these selfish thoughts.

I loved my sleep previously and feel having none will result in me being grumpy with my child.

OP posts:

Hugasauras · 15/09/2022 18:54

Life changes but you don't have to stop doing things you like. The tiny baby phase doesn't last long in the grand scheme and then they end up going to bed early and sleeping through and you get your evenings back to do what you want again! So you'll be able to go to the gym and do your hobbies again, assuming you have a partner who can watch child while you do so.

Wouldloveanother · 15/09/2022 18:55

I can’t lie, yes your social life and hobbies will be on ice for a while - around 6 months ish. You don’t have to breastfeed, you know that right? When people say ‘happy mum happy baby’, it’s 100% true. Much better than a martyr mum who is miserable constantly. You’ll find what works for you.

riotlady · 15/09/2022 18:56

Please don’t worry about being a bad mum, this is a totally normal reaction to a massive change! Getting out and doing things is certainly tricky in the early months, especially if you’re breastfeeding but lots of parents have hobbies and go to the gym! If you have a partner you can trade off evenings or a couple of hours at the weekend to do stuff on your own.

MushMonster · 15/09/2022 18:57

Do not worry, yes life changes upside down, but you will get new hobbies, interests and friends as you go along.
The baby will be attached to you till they start walking and learning to speak, then gradually gather independance. It is all a great thing to celebrate, first tooth, first steps, first word, first day at nursery....
It is the greatest thing in this world, and it is not easy, but you will love every minute of it. Even when you remember later in life how tired you were, you will remember it fondly.

Perpop · 15/09/2022 19:00

People love to tell you how ‘hard’ it is and I had all the same worries as you. My baby was born and she latched pretty much straight away (it was an emcs so we didn’t get golden hour, skin to skin and all the things they tell you about) but I expressed for 24 hours and then she latched straight away. She’s been the happiest, most settled baby since and changed our lives for the better.

yes we’ve hard moments/days and are tired here and there. But everyone warned me about the hard bits, no one told me how incredible it would be.

I appreciate this is just my experience and not everyone has it easy. But it can happen. You’ll be amazing, and the mum your baby needs ❤️

Mindymomo · 15/09/2022 19:01

Lots of gyms have crèches if you can afford to go to one of these. None of us really know if we are going to be good mums. I really didn’t have a great deal of experience with babies and basically both DH and I were rubbish to start with. Get your partner involved with looking after the baby straight from day one.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 15/09/2022 19:01

Having one is not that bad. Your DP can look after them on your club nights.

The not expressing thing is bollocks and even if it wasn't, it's ok to not be willing to be available 24/7 for milk - use a bottle of expressed milk or formula. "Perfect" breastfeeding shouldn't outweigh everything else you enjoy in your adult life. That attitude implies that you are worthless as anything other than a mother and you should not let yourself be sucked into treating yourself that way. Also, Don't hold off giving a bottle for months or baby may refuse and then you will be scuppered.

PileofLogs · 15/09/2022 19:04

You may need to put your hobbies on hold for a few months (or maybe not) but beyond that there's no reason at all you can't keep doing them and going to the gym. Just need to make sure your partner is doing his share (and of course you do the same for him).

It's not selfish to still want to exist as a person!

Sophfreddie · 15/09/2022 19:05

It's OK to grieve the life/person you were/had, but you can still do all those things! (Provided you have the support?), admittedly not for a few months but it's still possible :)

I expressed right from the beginning (my bub was in NICU for 6 days), loads and loads of people pump after every feed right from the beginning to increase supply - so my bub has had a bottle of expressed milk every night since coming home just to keep him used to the bottle! (Though on another note, I found breastfeeding extremely hard work, he literally wasn't off me for 12 solid weeks - he's 20 weeks now and sooo much easier!)

The sleep deprivation isn't so bad.. First few weeks were hard but you honestly just get used to it

I cant deny though it's sooo much harder than I ever thought it would be.. I wouldn't change it though!!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

CakeCrumbs44 · 15/09/2022 19:06

It's only the first 6 weeks that you would want to avoid pumping/formula in order to get breastfeeding established. 6 weeks is not a long time in the scheme of things. As long as you have a decent partner who is willing to do his share of the feeds so you can do your hobbies and activities.

CFinn · 15/09/2022 19:11

I think it's good you're processing these things now while still pregnant. I didn't really, and when the baby came the loss of my old life/self/sleep patterns hit me like a ton of bricks! Speaking from my own experience, for the first few months I wasn't capable of anything, but after that I found it really important to make time for the things I used to enjoy before I became a mother. It takes a bit more planning but it's totally possible and so worth it and certainly will not make you a bad mother - happy mum, happy baby. Good luck!

Favouritefruits · 15/09/2022 19:27

If I’m being realistic you will have to put your life on hold for the first 12 weeks, you’ll be exhausted so won’t want to be doing hobbies or going out anyway but after the magic 12 weeks you can leave your baby to do a hobby or whatever and you’ll feel slightly better in yourself and able to express milk. My only words of wisdom are not to blame yourself if things don’t go to plan, as long as you do YOUR best it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or does.

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