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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to go stay with PILs without DH?

25 replies

user1472721462 · 15/09/2022 12:54

NC for this

DH is away on a business trip soon. PILs have invited me and DDs (4 and nearly 2) to go and stay with them for a few days while he's away. AIBU to decline?

There's no long and complicated backstory, they live just over 2 hours away. They are kind people but I'm not really close to them and we've never really spent much time together without DH. I don't feel like we have anything in common beyond DH/DDs. PILs aren't very hands on GPs (their choice, fair enough) so for context I'd still be doing pretty much everything for DDs at their house. DDs would enjoy seeing their GPs though so should I just suck it up even though I don't want to go? Do other MNers go stay with their ILs without their OH?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 15/09/2022 12:59

Are you going to them for child care support or for gkids and gparents to spend time together?

ChonkyDonkey · 15/09/2022 13:02

I wonder if they think you 'can't manage' without your DH? I wouldn't go.

Littlemissprosecco · 15/09/2022 13:02

I guess they’re reaching out to you. It’s a kind gesture. Maybe meet then halfway, say you’ve something organised for some of the time but could manage one night??

Doveyouknow · 15/09/2022 13:10

I have stayed with the PIL without my dh occasionally. We aren't particularly close but they love seeing the kids and the kids love staying there. I have more flexibility with work so I am able to take them more often then my DH could. It's fine - the focus is on the kids most of the time

Arenanewbie · 15/09/2022 13:10

I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t go to meet them up half way either. It’s much more convenient to stay at home and to stick to the routine if one parent is away. I would just tell them this politely. I’m sure they just want to help thinking you wouldn’t cope on your own. It’s a lovely thought but not very practical in reality. It’s just my opinion, however a friend’s parent came to her in similar circumstances and it helped a lot but it’s at hers and a very hands on grandparent.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/09/2022 13:16

It's fine to decline if you don't want to. It's a fair way to travel with young children and you would have to do all the bedtime stuff away from home on your own. Sounds like a load of hassle to me. I'd only go if I thought I would enjoy the trip. Maybe you can meet halfway for a day trip if you are keen to show willing?

WimpoleHat · 15/09/2022 13:18

Could you say something like “Oh - how thoughtful you are. Thank you. If it’s not awful, I find the packing and transportation of kids more stressful than being at home alone! Is there any chance we could meet up somewhere halfway for a day out as the kids and I would love to see you…..”

Then you’re not snubbing them/looking unappreciative, but you have an excuse not to go.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 15/09/2022 13:23

Yes I’ve done with with my two daughters before, it was ok but I was looking after them myself really and that was harder in someone else’s house. They were 1 and 2 at the time and a handful!

JenniferBarkley · 15/09/2022 13:23

WimpoleHat · 15/09/2022 13:18

Could you say something like “Oh - how thoughtful you are. Thank you. If it’s not awful, I find the packing and transportation of kids more stressful than being at home alone! Is there any chance we could meet up somewhere halfway for a day out as the kids and I would love to see you…..”

Then you’re not snubbing them/looking unappreciative, but you have an excuse not to go.

Perfect.

I love my PILs but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this. All me, not them.

Iloveacurry · 15/09/2022 13:28

I wouldn’t. As others have said, it’s easier dealing with kids in your own home.

Penguinsaregreat · 15/09/2022 13:33

Its a no from me. The poster above saying to meet half way has given the best advice I think.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 15/09/2022 13:40

Depends how long your dh is away for in my opinion and whether that would mean a long time without kids and PILs seeing each other.

A few months away - yes you should see them for your kids and PILs benefit (especially as you say they are nice people). But this doesn't have to be at theirs you could ask them to come to you instead or meet halfway if either of those options are easier for you.

A week or less and totally reasonably to decline and make arrangements for when your dh is back

Between those and it depends how much you usually see them. I'd see them without dh if they are likely to miss more than one usual visit (but again that could be meeting halfway / inviting them to yours if that is easier)

Goldbar · 15/09/2022 13:45

Can they come and stay with you for a couple of nights if they want to see the kids?

Original poster
user1472721462 · 15/09/2022 13:46

Iloveacurry · 15/09/2022 13:28

I wouldn’t. As others have said, it’s easier dealing with kids in your own home.

Thanks all. This was the line I tried to take when they made the offer. But MIL got offended that I was saying it was harder to deal with my DDs in their home. She just couldn't see it at all and was really insisting that with DH away it would be a help to me to be there with them. I just don't feel it would be. They have stairgates etc but their house is very cluttered with things that the DC will either damage or else damage themselves on and as I said PIL aren't very hands on with them so all the supervising would fall to me.

DH is away for about a week, so not ages. I've looked after the DC on my own a few times before for this length of time so I'm not fazed by it.

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 15/09/2022 13:48

With your update that he's away for a week if I'd just say thanks but no thanks, you'll arrange a visit when he's back but if they'd like to meet up halfway for lunch / something else you'd both like then to give you a shout

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 13:49

They're probably doing it because they think you might be lonely with your DP away and wondering if you'll cope (and only you know the answer to that).

It sounds like it would be more hindrance than help so I certainly wouldn't feel obliged, or summonsed. Maybe just say that you've loads planned for those dates but would love to come over soon and stay when DP's back, let's make a plan.

Personally could have thought of nothing worse but it would depend on your relationship.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 15/09/2022 13:49

"thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful offer MIL but we'd prefer to stay at home"

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/09/2022 13:52

Good god why would you agree with them you can't manage 2 small dc alone? Doubt you would ever be allowed to forget how much they helped you out.
Thank them for the offer. Maybe dh can take them another time alone? Peace for you. Trashed home for them and dh cm run round after them!!

Dinoteeth · 15/09/2022 13:58

Why not invite them to visit you for a couple of nights in the middle of the week.

They see kids, own environment so less stress, and you don't need to travel.

I'd try not to snub them completely.

10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 14:39

It's really nice of them to ask you, but no, I wouldn't stay with my in-laws without DP. My MIL is lovely and I'd happily go out for lunch with her or something without DP, but I'd feel weird staying at her house somehow.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 15/09/2022 14:44

"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather stay home so I can chill with a glass of wine in the evenings instead of making awkward small talk."

I love it when my DH goes away, it's actually easier single handily parenting than it is with someone else.

idonotmind · 15/09/2022 14:46

Any chance they will take the kids on their own? I.E. You get a break

AryaStarkWolf · 15/09/2022 14:46

Oh god no, I'd much rather stay home and do the visit to grandparents when your DH would be going too

Original poster
user1472721462 · 15/09/2022 15:19

Dinoteeth · 15/09/2022 13:58

Why not invite them to visit you for a couple of nights in the middle of the week.

They see kids, own environment so less stress, and you don't need to travel.

I'd try not to snub them completely.

I think I might try this, though they've been to ours much more recently than we've been to them. Generally we find it easier for them to come to us because we work all week and our house is more set up for kids but they always want us to go there because they don't really like doing the drive and it's not straightforward by public transport.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1472721462 · 15/09/2022 15:38

idonotmind · 15/09/2022 14:46

Any chance they will take the kids on their own? I.E. You get a break

😂

They'll take DD4 but not DD2 unless one of us is there too (I do get this to an extent, DD2 is a handful). So not much of a break!

OP posts:
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