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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and her Dad being ill

16 replies

JackiJet · 15/09/2022 11:20

I have a DD7 with my ex. He now has another 2DC, 2 and 4, with his partner. They split up 7 months ago.

My ex sees DD regularly but the same issue keeps happening and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable to be getting annoyed now.

My ex doesn't have his 3 DC at the same time as he can't cope with them all together. He sees his other 2 separately to my DD, although sometimes he has one of his DC and my DD together etc.

The issue I'm having is that his 2 DC are constantly ill, I'm guessing they keep picking bugs up from nursery, which can't be helped. My ex always seems to catch these bugs, every time, and is then not well enough to see our DD and cancels. Over the past few months this has been every other time he was due to have DD.

I understand he can't help being ill but it's always my DD that has her time cancelled and it's starting to upset her. He will see his other 2 DC when they are ill, which is how he catches the bugs (not that it's relevant but he wont see our DD if she has as much as a sniffle!).

AIBU that this can't continue or do me and DD have to just 'suck it up' as has been suggested by the ex?

OP posts:
JustAWeirdoWithNoName · 15/09/2022 11:26

He will see his other 2 DC when they are ill, which is how he catches the bugs (not that it's relevant but he wont see our DD if she has as much as a sniffle!).

Actually I think that's entirely relevant - he should be treating all his DC the same.
Maybe his other ex is more insistent that he takes the DC when they are poorly? Not that I'm saying you should have to be, I'm just speculating the reason as to why he's only a germaphobe with your DD.

Original poster
JackiJet · 15/09/2022 12:10

@JustAWeirdoWithNoName Apparently he offers to have his other DC when they are ill to help their mum out!

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 15/09/2022 12:13

He can still see your dd it's just she'll probably catch whatever is being passed around.

SpinningFloppa · 15/09/2022 12:17

It’s annoying but not much you can do, you can’t make him show up, my ex use to cancel contact if he had so much as a sniffle he wouldn’t see the children but can’t physically force them

10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 14:42

He will see his other 2 DC when they are ill, which is how he catches the bugs (not that it's relevant but he wont see our DD if she has as much as a sniffle!).

I think that is very relevant, actually. It's a clear signal that he's favouring his other children.

Crunchymum · 15/09/2022 14:44

Do you think he is telling the truth about the other kids being ill?

Stath · 15/09/2022 14:45

I do hope he’s increasing his child maintenance to reflect his contract being reduced 50%?

He sounds a right tosser.

shreddednips · 15/09/2022 14:58

This is rotten behaviour, presumably you cope with looking after your DD while ill. If he was vomiting violently or had proper flu then I can see that it would be better to ask if you can keep her (and you wouldn't want to catch it anyway), but I doubt he's getting THAT ill that often.

aSofaNearYou · 15/09/2022 15:01

He does seem to be heavily favouring his younger kids. What is the reason, are you much more accommodating than his other ex? Or does he have a better relationship with her and is allowing that to transfer to the kids? Are there issues with his bond with your DD?

Mariposista · 15/09/2022 15:13

Your poor daughter. I would have to have it out with him. It’s so unfair on her and she is old enough to understand that she is not being treated equally.

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2022 15:14

So he is trying to get back with younger kids mum....

Vecna · 15/09/2022 15:33

He should absolutely see his other children when they are ill.

I think it's highly unlikely that he is picking up ALL their bugs. Children do get ill often at nursery but as an adult with a mature immune system, I would expect he is not afflicted by all that many. And I would expect him to look after your DD if either he or she had a sniffle. He's just another crap dad.

Mangogogogo · 15/09/2022 15:48

I think he’s probably lying. I know that doesn’t help you.

7 months post break up most dads are still in that ‘look how much im doing with my kids ex partner, you said I was crap with the kids but look I take them everywhere and im the best now’
give it a few months or a new girlfriend and she’ll be in your shoes I reckon!

still shit for your daughter tho. I have a teen who’s birth parent bailed on him all the time, we just reduced expectations and he learned to shrug it off if she couldn’t be arsed again. Sad though.

Original poster
JackiJet · 15/09/2022 16:02

I do think he's trying to get back with his ex. He'll have their DC if they are ill (or he is) but won't have mine in exactly the same situation!

OP posts:
nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 16:08

10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 14:42

He will see his other 2 DC when they are ill, which is how he catches the bugs (not that it's relevant but he wont see our DD if she has as much as a sniffle!).

I think that is very relevant, actually. It's a clear signal that he's favouring his other children.

Yes it's at the very heart of the issue.

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 16:09

JackiJet · 15/09/2022 16:02

I do think he's trying to get back with his ex. He'll have their DC if they are ill (or he is) but won't have mine in exactly the same situation!

Yeah that was my first thought. Have you said given he's had DD less than the agreed time you want to reassess the maintenance? Some men find that suddenly gives them a kick up the bum sad as that is.

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