DH leaving and wondering if I'm in the wrong

uokcinnabon · 2022-09-15T04:22:00+00:00

DH and I had yet another row, over same old things for years, but we still got married and became a family. We want different things down the road, which would involve him leaving me and he wants to be in charge of me so I socialise less and clean more, he likes the traditional role and so do I, as long as I'm appreciated and not told 'your role is less important' - otherwise I'd be on board. I work, and we only have one child. He didn't ask to stay, he will move out and do childcare and said will still pay for expensive extracurricular activities because my work will be limited due to childcare. (I agree since I'd rather be there for school pick up than work to pay someone else. I just want to spend quality time with my child. I WFH and will seek school hours post too) I feel I'm being unreasonable even ending it though. Him alone? I feel sad about it. But I feel even if I never find a person who makes me feel equal I'll still be happier not being made to feel like not an equal daily. He loves me and cares for me but it's not enough - I feel ungrateful.

Rumplestrumpet · 15/09/2022 05:26

I'm sorry I don't quite understand what's happened but it does sound like this is an unhealthy relationship and you aren't appreciated. You should never be made to feel less important or worthy.

MintJulia · 15/09/2022 05:30

If you want different things down the line, I don't see how a relationship can work.

The whole 'he wants to be in charge of me so I socialise less and clean more' is no example to set your child. No-one should grow up thinking a woman's place is subservient, which is essentially what this entails. It's not healthy or normal.

If he can't meet you half way, then you aren't a team working towards a shared goal. You aren't unreasonable.

TeeBee · 15/09/2022 05:32

Sounds very reasonable reasons to split up really. Co-parenting apart is perfectly doable.

Rosebud21 · 15/09/2022 05:35

You are not being unreasonable to leave the marriage if it makes you feel less than, and you want more for you, and your child. I wish you well 💐

Andromachehadabadday · 15/09/2022 05:48

No marriage can work if you are both working toward fundamentally different goals for your future.

Also, doesn’t matter what he says now. He could change his mind. I suggest you work on making yourself as financially independent of him that you can.

Original poster

uokcinnabon · 15/09/2022 05:52

MintJulia · 15/09/2022 05:30

If you want different things down the line, I don't see how a relationship can work.

The whole 'he wants to be in charge of me so I socialise less and clean more' is no example to set your child. No-one should grow up thinking a woman's place is subservient, which is essentially what this entails. It's not healthy or normal.

If he can't meet you half way, then you aren't a team working towards a shared goal. You aren't unreasonable.

This is my main complaint that we are not a team and I just can't move forward like this but it feels petty in a way. I know it's not... but it still feels that way. I don't want to make a mistake but ultimately that makes me feel unloved because if you don't respect someone, how can you truly love them?

But he says he feels underappreciated as he works so many hours, but in my actions I do appreciate him as I don't do my evening leisure activities (at all) so he can do his every night. I do all the housework but he pays for all the things in the house. I still feel my contribution is equal. When I did say I wanted to work more he made sure I knew that if I did then I would be the one to sort paying for childcare or work around school times. This felt limiting to me/of me.

Again, that makes me ungrateful according to him. When we spoke in depth the things came out about him wanting to travel down the line, so that would leave me with a child flown the nest and him flown the nest?

Am I any worse off just being single now while there is also the very slim chance I would meet someone who would stay with me in ten years?

OP posts:

BouncerFish · 15/09/2022 05:57

Personally, I would not stay with a man who sees me as less than equal. It’s toxic and even if it seems to work at times, I think it would always lead to resentment. Why shouldn’t you work as much as you feel you can to build your pension and savings? Why shouldn’t you socialise and travel in the future? You absolutely can do those things. It is not wrong to end a relationship that is not working, however sad that may feel, and try to find something more. Remember, this is not your decision in a vacuum. If he valued you, you would not be doing this.

ScavengerHunt · 15/09/2022 05:59

OP of course YANBU wanting to be in a relationship where you are respected and treated as an equal. That should be the bare minimum anyone should want in a relationship.

I feel genuinely respected and valued in my marriage. So you know what that looks
like: DH earns all the money (pre kids I was the breadwinner). I do the majority of the childcare and housework because he’s at the office much of the time, but when he’s home, we split it. We both have time for our own leisure activities. He supports me to stay at home but would also support me to return to work. He tells
me regularly how much more important my job is than his.

A man who wants to be ‘in charge’ of you is not a man to be in a relationship with.

Andromachehadabadday · 15/09/2022 06:01

So there’s a a lot of problems.

You have had to give up anything for you so he can do what he wants. That’s not ok

He won’t support you in working while moaning about paying the bills. He won’t pick up equal share of childcare.

You feel you show appreciation for him working, by looking after the house. Sounds like he feels he shows appreciation by paying all the bills. But you both want more recognition from the other.

It sounds like a mix of normal marriage problems (the lack of appreciation) but also with some huge ones. The Huge ones being you both have a different view for the future and that he is a twat.

Splitting would definitely be the best thing to do. Your child should not have this as her example of what a relationship is

Original poster

uokcinnabon · 15/09/2022 06:01

BouncerFish · 15/09/2022 05:57

Personally, I would not stay with a man who sees me as less than equal. It’s toxic and even if it seems to work at times, I think it would always lead to resentment. Why shouldn’t you work as much as you feel you can to build your pension and savings? Why shouldn’t you socialise and travel in the future? You absolutely can do those things. It is not wrong to end a relationship that is not working, however sad that may feel, and try to find something more. Remember, this is not your decision in a vacuum. If he valued you, you would not be doing this.

Yes, he likes the idea of me working less and him providing, and that's lovely IF the man values you, because being undervalued is what's making me think 'okay but then what about down the line when our child has left home, you still just provide for me no matter what? What value do I have then if I have little now?'

It's making me feel like I'm paranoid.

It's him who wants to travel and I don't, and I never said I did. He's younger than me, and because he tries to make unilateral decisions about our living situation I feel insecure and vulnerable.

End of the day I guess it really just means this can't continue. I can't be a subunit, it's just not safe, and it's true, it's not a good example to set our child.

OP posts:

Original poster

uokcinnabon · 15/09/2022 06:02

ScavengerHunt · 15/09/2022 05:59

OP of course YANBU wanting to be in a relationship where you are respected and treated as an equal. That should be the bare minimum anyone should want in a relationship.

I feel genuinely respected and valued in my marriage. So you know what that looks
like: DH earns all the money (pre kids I was the breadwinner). I do the majority of the childcare and housework because he’s at the office much of the time, but when he’s home, we split it. We both have time for our own leisure activities. He supports me to stay at home but would also support me to return to work. He tells
me regularly how much more important my job is than his.

A man who wants to be ‘in charge’ of you is not a man to be in a relationship with.

I'm happy for you and envy you. To be told the job of the mother is the most important role? How lovely. I feel like crying now.

OP posts:

Original poster

uokcinnabon · 15/09/2022 06:07

Andromachehadabadday · 15/09/2022 06:01

So there’s a a lot of problems.

You have had to give up anything for you so he can do what he wants. That’s not ok

He won’t support you in working while moaning about paying the bills. He won’t pick up equal share of childcare.

You feel you show appreciation for him working, by looking after the house. Sounds like he feels he shows appreciation by paying all the bills. But you both want more recognition from the other.

It sounds like a mix of normal marriage problems (the lack of appreciation) but also with some huge ones. The Huge ones being you both have a different view for the future and that he is a twat.

Splitting would definitely be the best thing to do. Your child should not have this as her example of what a relationship is

Thank you for this, I think this is something I hadn't been able to verbalise

But you both want more recognition from the other.

It's being told flat out I'm less important. Or as he backtracked on it later 'just that what I do is harder'

So okay I do similar and go out and work full-time?

"Okay, but realise you then pay for childcare from YOUR wage and YOU worry about organising it OR working around it AND "you will never earn as much as me" ' - was his response.

Now I've realised I'm limited in my earning power because of my child, which was fine because I wanted to spend more time with my child while she's young. But he can facilitate that all he wants now, which he does, then in ten years what? He swans off on business trips (as he says he wishes to do) while I sit at home doing what? Hobbies gone, fewer friends than I would have because I am highly sociable, which he resented also, said he thought I was an introvert and doesn't want to go out to socialise. Our time out is a little boring. We have very different interests.

I'm just processing here really, thank you to everyone.

OP posts:

ScavengerHunt · 15/09/2022 06:17

uokcinnabon · 15/09/2022 06:02

I'm happy for you and envy you. To be told the job of the mother is the most important role? How lovely. I feel like crying now.

Show quote history

You deserve the same thing OP

Aubriella · 15/09/2022 06:24

We want different things down the road, which would involve him leaving me and he wants to be in charge of me so I socialise less and clean more

Bloody hell, you are well rid! Please don’t take him back.

Billybagpuss · 15/09/2022 06:32

I think you’re right to want to split, you’d also have way more social time for you when he has dc.

what did you do before dc? My concern for you is financial vulnerability, you’ll be ok, he’d have to pay cms etc, but by him ‘ keeping you in your place’ you are limiting your future earnings. In the short term I know it’s hassle but it is worth looking to the future in that respect. Start considering what you want and workings out how to achieve it.

Pinkishpurple · 15/09/2022 19:00

Wow i can't think why you are with him. He sounds like a very selfish man and a misogynist too! So many red flags!

2catsandhappy · 22/06/2023 15:33

@uokcinnabon This popped up in my browsing today. How have things been for you? Any balance in your life?

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 22/06/2023 15:56

This isn't a marriage, a very out dated view of one though, you should be able to do things that you want to in turns of hobbies etc.
A new free life beckons grab it!

massiveclamps · 22/06/2023 15:57

Right - one question... are you unhappy?

If the answer is yes, then that is THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED to split up.