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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Two introverted parents, one wildly extroverted kid

29 replies

Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 22:40

Dh, myself and Dd, 4

Dh and I have friends and have lived an exciting life with lots of travel etc and living abroad, but we’re fairly quiet and not massively confident…it wouldn’t show hugely, but we’re not out with friends or have friends over every weekend.
Dd, 4 is massively outgoing, friendly, confident and fun..no idea where she gets it from 🙈😅and she often invites herself to people’s homes 😬wants to hang out at the neighbours house, chats to other parents at the playground etc…it’s all very lovely for her and I have to force myself to do it all, for her sake…but I really don’t like it. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d really like to go to the playground without having to spend the afternoon with someone’s parents/family chatting at the playground, because Dd has approached them etc.
Dd also wants everyone around to the house, when really I’m not always in the mood and just want to chill at home..just us.
What do I do about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 22:41

*Doesn't show hugely (to others)

OP posts:
Carabanieri · 14/09/2022 22:46

I have some experience of this. She may well have a happier life for being gregarious so I think you need to do your best to facilitate it. It doesn't mean that you have to join in all the time, and it will be a lot easier when she gets a bit older and is more independent of you. Your own personalities may change a little - who knows.

Original poster
Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 22:53

@Carabanieri Yes, I’m definitely pleased that she’s like this…I was painfully shy as a child, had friends all through my life but still have aspects of social anxiety at times. I definitely want to facilitate it for her, it pushes me out of my comfort zone, but it’s so hard

OP posts:
OneLitreOfWater · 14/09/2022 22:58

I had an extrovert, turns out he has ADHD and is a much more introverted teen! He was just all over the place as a small kid as a result of impulsivity and hyperactivity! He was such a friendly chatty kid unlike us.

Not saying your daughter has anything at all but I don't think there's a need to label at this age because they're young! Facilitate what you can, don't wear yourself out and wait and so who she grows into!

Plus, many adults think they like the quiet life and are introverted due to anxiety or trauma etc. So if there has been anything like that you may not really be so different.

Carabanieri · 14/09/2022 23:00

As an adult, it's possible for you to change. If you spend more time with other people, chatting, it will become easier and more natural to you. Try a bit of intensive effort socialising, and then some quiet time at home.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 14/09/2022 23:04

Gets loads easier in the school years. They invite a mate over, you send the two of them upstairs to play, no other adult crosses your threshold. Plus you don't have your tiny extrovert jabbering on at you, and get to spend some time reading with a brew.

Original poster
Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 23:04

@OneLitreOfWater Not labelling her, it’s just been her nature since she was little…she may change..🤷🏻‍♀️
I was shy and still have aspects of it…lots of people may not realise that though as I do socialise, sometimes I find it hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 23:06

@TheTurn0fTheScrew So does the latest just drop them off and go? What age does that start? That’s the ideal some days 🤣
At the moment, any playing at our house involves the parent coming over, or both and then generally involves a bbq or something…which I like *If I’m in the mood

OP posts:
Caroffee · 14/09/2022 23:07

Enrol her in lots of clubs and activities so she gets lots of social contact this way. It won't invade your home if you do this. She isn't too young.

Original poster
Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 23:08

@Carabanieri Oh I do it quite a lot and since Dd came along, I forced myself to lots of meet ups etc and I enjoyed it once there..I just find it wearing at times, dunno, I’m pretty weird

OP posts:
SausageinaBun · 14/09/2022 23:10

She may well grow out of it. My DD would talk to anyone when she was little. People still comment on how she'd chat to them at nursery when they collected their children. She's 12 now and you wouldn't particularly pick her out as an extrovert - just a standard moody pre-teen.

jjeoreo · 14/09/2022 23:11

I'm an extrovert and love small talk and I find it wearing too sometimes (being around other parents you don't know very well) . Not to dismiss what you're feeling, but it just is. Don't reckon that makes you weird.

Original poster
Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 23:15

@jjeoreo The more outgoing types always seem to be enjoying it and seem so at ease

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 14/09/2022 23:15

It's nice that she will be tempered by your natural introversion. As well as encouraging her, also show her how to lace herself, rest, observe and reflect.

WaahWaahWaah · 14/09/2022 23:15

Encourage the parents to just drop off for any play dates - they may well also be relieved to do so. We did from last year of nursery.

HappyScot2022 · 14/09/2022 23:20

yes and turns out she has adhd! Total chatterbox and speaks to anyone including adults. My husband and I are both very quiet.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 14/09/2022 23:23

Oh lord I have this. My 6 year old DD is so sociable and outgoing. She seems to thrive off spending time with other people. Me and DS are more introverted, we thrive from time with good friends…followed by down time alone/with family.

we just try and balance things out to meet all our needs as much as possible. Things like clubs work well because she gets the activity with others and I get to sit quiet and have alone time. I do make effort to let her have friends over and talk to friend parents with her, but I also refuse at times and say I want a quiet house for the day.

i suppose most thing within families are about trying to meet everyone’s needs as much as is possible.

crazybeelady · 15/09/2022 04:24

My extroverted DS also has ADHD and unlike the PP I cant ever imagine him becoming more introverted.
I taught him from an early age to be quite independent in organising play dates and once he was a bit older said he could arrange as long as I knew where he was.
We were lucky in that we lived in a small community and everyone knew everyone so I could easily manage this.
I still find him exhausting but he is the funniest and most entertaining kid I couldn’t imagine him any other way

FredrikaPeri · 15/09/2022 04:40

Thethreeamigos · 14/09/2022 23:15

@jjeoreo The more outgoing types always seem to be enjoying it and seem so at ease

But you said other people couldn't tell you feel this way. Sometimes people get more chatty when they feel uncomfortable 🤷🏼‍♀️

Numbat2022 · 15/09/2022 05:05

Can't you tell her to stop inviting people over, at least? And say no when she does? My house is a tip 80% of the time, I wouldn't want people to just pop over until I'd had a chance to clean. She's only 4, she can't actually do anything without your agreement and supervision.

Being introverted is not the same as being shy or having social anxiety. To be introverted is to be drained by social interaction and need time alone to recover. The social interaction itself (so long as it doesn't go on for too long) is not the problem.

Swimminginthelake · 15/09/2022 05:10

This is me and my DD! At 4 she was very gregarious,

SpudsIluv · 15/09/2022 05:13

You describe my 7 year old to a T! Invited himself into next doors yesterday! He's not growing out of it yet!! First thing he says to me at the weekend, where are we going? Who are we seeing and what are we doing? It's exhausting! X

Swimminginthelake · 15/09/2022 05:18

Posted too soon! She would speak to anyone and invite herself round the neighbour's and could be a bit full on socially and very outgoing. She is so different to me. Like you I was painfully shy as a child and have some social anxiety / awkwardness now.. so I find she brings a lot of attention that I don't really want. She's 8 now and can still be very loud / outgoing but she also has much quieter moments too... can maybe self regulate a bit better. I have wondered about ADHD at times. She does tick some of the boxes. I do love how social she is though and wish I had her confidence 😁

Daytone · 15/09/2022 13:33

I have one like this, plus another introverted one who is more like DH and me. Described as charismatic in a recent school report, which I don’t think that anyone of the rest of the family would be, although we have friends and DH and I have travelled/did lots before having children. Definitely not ADHD, as I am familiar with it through work.

idonotmind · 15/09/2022 14:10

Same situation here.

TBH I am more extrovert than DH. I find it far easier meeting people in public places and then we can leave whenever I please - last time I invited someone round to ours (three kids!) they stayed for FOUR hours. I felt like I'd been in a blender.

DS is an absolute social whizz - he is the kid who walks into a party not knowing anyone and leaves with a massive group of friends.

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