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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

29 replies

Deadringer · 14/09/2022 22:10

I am staying with an elderly relative while their usual carer is on holiday. This has been planned for months and agreed by dh. Youngest dd is 11 and has some mild sn, it can be difficult getting her organised and out the door for school in the morning. Since I agreed to do this respite, dh has got a new job, its not stressful and they are very flexible, but being newish he wants to be in early, make a good impression etc. For the last few mornings (at my request) older dd (age 18) has been helping by getting dd11 up and keeping on top of her so dh can get her to school on time. She has also been supervising her homework etc. All good. However, Dh has recently started a class on a thursday morning before work, a leisure activity, not work related, and he doesn't like to miss it. However dd18 has a big event tomorrow night, she will basically be out all day and most of the night, probably until 4/5 am, and I suggested that perhaps she could lie in tomorrow in preparation for her long night. Dh is very annoyed that he will have to manage dd11 on his own and miss his class.
Aibu to say that dd18 has been very good to help out and that dh should step up tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
Deadringer · 14/09/2022 22:11

Sorry that was long, trying to get all the facts in.

OP posts:
Topgub · 14/09/2022 22:12

Its ridiculous she's having to do it at all.

StopFeckingFaffing · 14/09/2022 22:14

YANBU - your DH is the parent and needs to behave like one

BattenburgDonkey · 14/09/2022 22:16

YANBU your DD doesn’t have children and isn’t less important than her sibling or her dad, it’s not her responsibility, DH needs to be the parent!

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 14/09/2022 22:17

Your dh needs to grow the fuck up.

Thepossibility · 14/09/2022 22:18

DH is being outrageous! DD sounds like an amazing girl.

ToFindNewWays · 14/09/2022 22:19

Your H is being a pathetic little fool.

Your DD sounds amazing.

ManateeFair · 14/09/2022 22:21

Your DH is being a prick and DD18 should absolutely not be picking up the slack for him. She’s done more than enough already. Your DH is the fucking parent, not her.

Testina · 14/09/2022 22:22

And if your older child had been a boy, would you have made the same request?
Because it looks like everyone in your household has been shown what’s expect oh women and what’s not expected of men 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ll this elderly relative has relatives as genetically close who are male, too.

FFS - stop enabling your husband.

Testina · 14/09/2022 22:22

*I’ll bet

ReeseWitherfork · 14/09/2022 22:25

Your eldest daughter needs to go on strike.

loobylou10 · 14/09/2022 22:27

What @Testina said

Original poster
Deadringer · 14/09/2022 22:30

Dh is very impatient, he finds it very difficult to manage the younger one's faffing about, especially if it delays him. I think he is also pissed off that I am not around to manage things, especially as she is settling into a new routine in a new school. I probably wouldn't have agreed to help out if i had known he would be in a new role.
Dd18 is amazing, she has been brilliant the last few days.

OP posts:
Topgub · 14/09/2022 22:31

So you've roped your dd into enabling your dh rather than telling him to get a grip and dad up?

Great life lesson!

gettingolderandgrumpier · 14/09/2022 22:32

I don’t understand why your dh and you actually think its your dd responsibility to get your ds ready for school . It’s great she’s happy to help out but tomorrow she can’t and your dh is unhappy well tough mate it’s your dc your responsibility not your dd .

washingbasketqueen · 14/09/2022 22:32

Your dh needs to be a parent. He sounds like a shit dad.

Original poster
Deadringer · 14/09/2022 22:33

Tbf he does his fair share around the house, helps out his elderly mum etc, he is just hopeless with dd11.

OP posts:
EmmiJay · 14/09/2022 22:34

Tell your husband to get a grip and be a dad. He needs to get his child ready for the day. Your oldest DD is a star. Her father could learn a thing or two from her!

gettingolderandgrumpier · 14/09/2022 22:35

Why do men always think woman are there to do the childcare ? Put a end to this op , others are right you are enabling him and you are teaching your dc that woman are the ones that do the running around after men .

MarmiteCoriander · 14/09/2022 22:41

Does your DH has the same issues as your daughter? Is he neuro- diverse?

Your DD18 needs her own life and not be assisting younger siblings because your partner cant cope!!! WTF!

Maybe I've read it wrong, but why are you helping other family members if your DH/partner can't even cope with his/her own children???

Original poster
Deadringer · 14/09/2022 22:42

I asked her to do it for dd11's sake not his, because I don't want her to go to school upset if he has been narky with her. Yes he is a bit of a shit dad tbh, as I said, he is very impatient.

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 14/09/2022 22:45
Flowers
Namenic · 14/09/2022 22:50

Yanbu. He needs to look after his daughter properly.

ReeseWitherfork · 14/09/2022 22:51

As harsh as this might sound, let DH upset DD11 if that’s what’s going to happen. Let it happen! In theory, he should feel some remorse if he upsets his daughter and will be inclined to step up in the future. Plus you can’t be there to protect DD11 in all scenarios anyway. If she faffs so much that it pisses people off then she’ll either need to learn to stop faffing or how to deal with pissed off people.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 22:54

Dh is very annoyed that he will have to manage dd11 on his own and miss his class.

He can Fuck. Right. Off. Is he unaware that he's a parent? Ugh, I would have irreversible ick. What a manchild.

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