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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Likely miscarriage and frustrating MIL

19 replies

Lou1293 · 14/09/2022 15:29

miscarriage - trigger warning

Hi everyone,

We found out last week at an 8 week scan that baby was measuring 2 weeks behind with a very slow heartbeat. The hospital have warned that it is almost certain to result in miscarriage but will scan me again next week to be certain.

After we found out this sad news, we told my parents and my in-laws. My parents have been great and my husband’s father has also been really supportive. However, my MIL and her husband didn’t say anything after the initial news and then came round to our house 4 days later. On arrival I was asked ‘have you started to try again?’ - Umm I’m actually still pregnant and you were told this and it’s been days since the scan 🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband then had a phone call from his mum yesterday to ask why we were avoiding her as she hadn’t heard from us or we hadn’t popped round to see them since they came here (only a matter of days) Also then SIL called to say we really should go and see her as she wants to make sure we are both ok!?!

This infuriated me! How can she not see that we are a married couple, with our own home and going through a really upsetting time and want to be at home, together. Not ‘popping’ round for a cuppa?! She has a phone, she has a car - she can ask if she can pop into ours instead.

AIBU for being annoyed by this? Or just hormonal and sensitive?!

OP posts:
Boxowine · 14/09/2022 15:33

I'm sorry OP. What a difficult time for you and your partner. It's a shame that your in laws are not capable of empathy and support right now. I don't have any advice but I would be upset with them if I were in your shoes.

SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 15:34

Does your MIL realise you are actually still pregnant?

Sparklesocks · 14/09/2022 15:34

I’m so sorry about your scan, this in-law tension really is the last thing you need 💕 insensitive for them to ask about trying again (and not understanding biology!) and making this difficult time about them. I hope your husband is telling her where to go? Do what you need to do for yourself and try not to let them bother you, their theatrics are not needed (I know easier said that done).

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 14/09/2022 15:35

Some people are just thick, OP.

MimiSunshine · 14/09/2022 15:35

It’s not about her, she shouldn’t be putting herself in the centre of it all by having you go to her.

DH can tell SIL that if MIL wants to check on you then she’s welcome to but right now neither of you have the headspace to be making sure MIL is ok so that she k ones you’re ok as quite frankly you aren’t.

Thedogscollar · 14/09/2022 15:37

@Lou1293
Omg I can't believe the insensitivity of your MIL.

You would think another woman would understand the heartache you are going through and your husband.

YADNBU I speak as a woman a MIL and as a midwife take care of each other nobody and I mean nobody else matters in this scenario. You and your husband feelings come first.💐

Original poster
Lou1293 · 14/09/2022 15:41

I completely agree especially after finding out from my husband that she also had 2 miscarriages prior to conceiving him and twin sister!

Thank you - I am also a midwife which makes it all feel a little bit harder at the thought of going back to work once everything had happened 🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou1293 · 14/09/2022 15:42

Thedogscollar · 14/09/2022 15:37

@Lou1293
Omg I can't believe the insensitivity of your MIL.

You would think another woman would understand the heartache you are going through and your husband.

YADNBU I speak as a woman a MIL and as a midwife take care of each other nobody and I mean nobody else matters in this scenario. You and your husband feelings come first.💐

I completely agree especially after finding out from my husband that she also had 2 miscarriages prior to conceiving him and twin sister!

Thank you - I am also a midwife which makes it all feel a little bit harder at the thought of going back to work once everything had happened 🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou1293 · 14/09/2022 15:43

Thank you everyone, I’m not really sure the purpose of this post but I needed a rant and wanted to be validated. My husband agrees but is also too laid back and won’t actually confront her and say she’s being unreasonable.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 14/09/2022 15:45

SillySausage21356 · 14/09/2022 15:34

Does your MIL realise you are actually still pregnant?

Even if she had misunderstood and thought the OP had already miscarried, it would have been horribly insensitive to say 'Have you started trying again?' to a woman who had miscarried only four days previously.

Trulyweird1 · 14/09/2022 15:45

Aw so sorry you are going through this, and what you will face going back to work. Your MIL is just ridiculous and clearly putting herself first. Ignore her.

Maray1967 · 14/09/2022 15:48

Leave it up to your DH, and ignore any messages to you. You need to look after yourself and put yourself first. I hope things turn out well but if they don’t then you can’t be doing with this kind of behaviour. I would have been very angry if this had happened during my mcs. 💐

Elieza · 14/09/2022 15:49

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

The first thing I thought when I read how she acted was I wonder if she’s had a mc too.

Back in the day you had no support. Generally didn’t speak about it. Just buried your pain and got on with ‘trying again’.

She’s probably in that space in her head. Right back where she was all those years ago. In pain and without proper support.

So she likely means well but doesn’t understand that nowadays things are a bit different.

Do what you need to do to get through this just now without being too harsh on anyone including yourself. It’s a tough thing to go through. Sorry you’re in this situation.

thenewduchessoflapland · 14/09/2022 15:52

It sounds as though she has low emotional intelligence and isn't clued up on how the human body works.

I'd go low contact with her for awhile and have your DH deal with this overdramatic twat of a mother.

SafferUpNorth · 14/09/2022 16:02

So very sorry to hear what you're going through, OP.

Sounds like she's being both thick and really selfish. Just ignore her. Get your DH to tell his sister exactly what's happening with the pregnancy, and that you'd like some privacy at this time - she can spell it out to MIL.

Sparklesocks · 14/09/2022 16:03

Lou1293 · 14/09/2022 15:43

Thank you everyone, I’m not really sure the purpose of this post but I needed a rant and wanted to be validated. My husband agrees but is also too laid back and won’t actually confront her and say she’s being unreasonable.

Feel free to say anything here you might not be able to say out there. I’m glad you have your husband’s support but I’m sorry he isn’t more upfront with her. Although it can be hard to get through to people who centre themselves with other people’s pain 💕

Beseen22 · 14/09/2022 16:50

I've just lost a baby at 10 weeks, hb stopped at 8+4. I found that some people say really stupid things and they were meaning well but they just literally just don't have a clue of what to say. I'm a nurse and worked 4 shifts one week when we were really short and my mum instantly blamed me working too much as the reason I had the miscarriage. My MIL who I think is an angel on this earth and has been through a miscarriage instantly spoke about us trying again but I really wasn't ready to even think about it that point (the baby was still in my womb at that point!).

Try not to think ahead about going back to work and the process of passing the baby, you know too much in the position you are in but it's not always a horror story and in the end my body knew exactly what to do and everything passed naturally without intervention. I was terrified about going in to see my boss but she could not have been more kind and the one benefit to being NHS right now is a decent sick policy.

I really hope your next scan results are much better than mine and that you go on to have a lovely healthy baby. Waiting has definitely been the hardest part.

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2022 16:56

How horribly insensitive of her and how awful of your SIL to make MIL the one who might need YOUR support. I’m just dumbstruck at the selfishness and stupidity. I’m so sorry.
Your husband needs to become better at supporting you. Being laid back and not wanting to confront is not good enough. He should support his wife.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 17:00

I'm sorry for your loss. From now on, be very, very selective as to what you tell this woman and how soon.

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