Dd screaming at school gates

stillinflipflops · 2022-09-14T08:25:17+00:00

Dd started school last week and was so exited before hand. Last week she did a couple of days just 1 hour and was fine, loved it. This week she's doing a full morning and she has screamed at the school gates clung onto me, clung on to the railings and the teacher has peeled her off me and carried her into school screaming. This morning was worse still, she tried to run back out of school and was then carried into the classroom kicking and screaming. I feel so upset at leaving her like that. Does anyone have any similar experience? Is it just nerves? Separation anxiety? Or just normal behaviour and I'm over reacting and she'll be fine?

sheepdogdelight · 14/09/2022 09:28

Is she fine once she gets in? Check with the teacher.
Assuming she is, I think this is fairly normal behaviour. Most children will grow out of it / get used to school quite quickly. And for others it becomes a habit. I used to peel a screaming DS off me every morning until the end of Year 2, and I suspect he only stopped then because he moved to a separate juniors and we started sharing the school run with others.

It's alarming to see it as a parent, but once you've ruled out any actual issue at school, you just have to be matter of fact and brisk and try not to be too upset.

Original poster

stillinflipflops · 14/09/2022 09:36

The teacher said she was fine yesterday and dd came out smiling and told me all about her day.
She's confident and strong willed and was so excited to be going to school like her big sisters so this is a surprise.
She looked truly terrified this morning at the gate, even the head came out to help the teacher carry her in.

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NavyNails2 · 14/09/2022 09:36

My son has been doing this since starting school last week too, it's heartbreaking and I truly empathise. I spoke to his teacher and he has been settling quickly, but it leaves me feeling terrible all day! He has been doing full days since day 1 and today was the first day he just had a lip wobble rather than literally having to be physically pulled off of me. Hopefully when you're daughter does a few more longer hours there it will start to get easier.

EVHead · 14/09/2022 09:38

If she’s strong-willed she’s maybe finding the structure of school hard - having to do what she’s told, do certain things at certain times, share resources with other children, etc.

It’s good that the teacher says she’s fine once she’s in - she’ll soon get used to it. The first few weeks are exhausting for them.

Bywayofanupdate · 14/09/2022 09:41

My daughter did this when she started a few years ago and it was heartbreaking. It did take a few weeks, sorry to say, but after that she loved it and still does now in year 4

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/09/2022 09:44

DD did this, what helped us was getting her a little badge shaped like a heart and we'd give it cuddles and kisses in the morning then attach it to the inside of her cardigan. Told her if she missed us during the day she could get one of the stored kisses from the badge. Wasn't a guaranteed smooth morning but helped a bit.

Original poster

stillinflipflops · 14/09/2022 09:49

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime that's a lovely idea I might have to do something similar

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crowsfeet57 · 14/09/2022 09:51

OP I feel your pain. When my DD started school, she loved it. All the other children were crying and clinging on to their parents but she just danced in the door smiling. To be fair she had been at the school nursery and so she knew most of the other children anyway. THREE WEEKS later, when everyone else was going in happily, she started crying at the gate, clinging on to me and finally screaming, this went on for a couple of weeks.

I have no idea what triggered it, but knowing her the way I do I would hazard a guess that she got a very minor telling off for something.

Dougieowner · 14/09/2022 09:55

My earliest memory of school is from my second or third day in the infant's (would be 1969 assuming I started when I was four).
The first two days were just mornings but the third was full time. At lunchtime one of the girls in my class said school ended then (it had the previous two days) and so she was going home. She ran out of the school, through the gate (there was no security in those days and doors / gates were left wide open) and all the way home.
She was back the next day.

Feeellostindirection · 14/09/2022 09:58

My ds was exactly like that when he started in the nursery at 3 and was pretty much the same up until year 1 to some degree or other. The teacher would have to physically take him off me whilst he would be hysterical. It used to break my heart but I knew in the long run it was what was best for him. The nursery teacher would often call me after an hour or so to just let me know he had settled etc, because she could see it had left me upset, although I didn't cry or express this to my ds, it must have just shown on my face. Ds is now year 8 and has happily been going into school for many years and I am glad I rode it out like I did as I don't think I'd have done him any favours to make a bigger deal from it. Perhaps you could ask the teacher to call you to assure you that dd has settled? It's a horrible feeling and it's natural to worry but I'm sure she will do fine given time.

HeyMrPostman99 · 14/09/2022 10:00

My son was exactly like this when he started, and like you we thought he'd be absolutely fine. What worked in the end was forcing the school to take it seriously (they were all for just peeling him off me in hysterics every morning, while telling me I was "making it worse"). It turned out the routine when they went into the classroom was the problem - they had to march in, sit straight down on the carpet and get on with a lesson which is obviously a massive unsettling change from nursery. The solution we came up with was simply to give him a box of Duplo to play with on his own as soon as he went in which made it feel more familiar and less terrifying for him. After that he was fine. Maybe you can speak to the school and find a similar solution?

skgnome · 14/09/2022 10:03

Relatively normal, although heartbreaking
there was a girl in DDs class that cried every morning for about 2 months, it was so hard for the parents… she was fine once she was in
my DD also had a couple of wobbles on week 2, she loves the first week and then she cried non stop 2 days during drop off, clinger to my leg, begged, the head mistress had to take her in - came out 2 mins later to tell me she was being comforted by her teacher (came out smiling) - after 2 days she was fine
lost of kids went through the same, and yes it breaks your heart, so big virtual hug for you
but more often than not, they are fine and forget all about it after 5 minutes, while you’re still concerned
hang in there, is horrible for you, but I’m sure she already fine and having tons of fun
the heart idea above is lovely, worth trying

DayOfTheTentacle · 14/09/2022 10:05

Mine's just started year 1 (having done the nursery and reception class at the same school) and still clings and weeps. It may be the change or just finding her feet in the new routine.

Mine struggles with the initial separation so we've done a lot of positive reinforcement for going in without dissolving.

And we have a kiss on each of our hands in black sharpie rather than a badge or something physical, because if he lost it, he'd fall apart or just really fixate.

Fml1980 · 14/09/2022 10:06

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/09/2022 09:44

DD did this, what helped us was getting her a little badge shaped like a heart and we'd give it cuddles and kisses in the morning then attach it to the inside of her cardigan. Told her if she missed us during the day she could get one of the stored kisses from the badge. Wasn't a guaranteed smooth morning but helped a bit.

I did something similar with my dd, I drew a heart on her wrist and one on mine.
And told her to touch it when she felt sad and I would feel it and touch it back.
It worked pretty well, she is in year 2 now and is still a bit clingy but not to the point where she is visibly upset.
It is hard but have comfort knowing that it happens to a lot of children.

Original poster

stillinflipflops · 14/09/2022 10:14

Thank you for the reassurance, it's really helped.
The school said they'd ring if she didn't settle at all and they haven't so I'm taking that as a good sign.

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Amberduck · 14/09/2022 10:22

My son was similar when he started school but he did settle really well after a few weeks. I had a quick meeting with the teacher to come up with a strategy to help him which included him taking in a tiny cuddly toy that could fit in his trouser pocket they've could hold if upset (he still loves his cuddlies and is almost 14, though less keen to take them to school now!). The teacher also kept an eye out for him in the morning and had a little job for him to do when he went in (tidying something, putting out some equipment) and he got a sticker for helping. Having something to do and focus on when he got in really seemed to help him. Hope you find something that works for you, and I'm sure things will settle soon.

manateeandcake · 14/09/2022 10:36

My DD did this in both nursery and reception not every day, but would go through phases and definitely at the beginning. Even for some of year 1 she was reluctant to go in at times. Once in she was always fine and enjoyed her day. It is AWFUL to go through and there were a few times I left the school in tears. Now she is in Year 5 and has just been allowed to walk to school by herself yesterday was her first day doing it, and she literally ran out the door!

What @Amberduck said about the teacher having a little job for her to do really helped us too. It made her feel special and wanted and most importantly distracted her from the moment of separation. I definitely recommend having a chat with the teacher to come up with a strategy that helps your DD. Good luck.

manateeandcake · 14/09/2022 10:37

Sorry, I have no idea how that crossing out got there 🤔

Goldbar · 14/09/2022 10:44

My DC has been OK so far apart from one upset morning, but this does not seem to be unusual at all. We've seen several sad little faces going into the two reception classes each morning and I really feel for the parents. A quick hug and kiss and walk away seems to work best... anything else just seems to prolong it.

What I would say is that I dropped my DC off late last week after a medical appointment and all the children in the classroom (including the usually upset ones who cry and cling to parents in the morning) were happily playing and building things, not a tear in sight. So I do think they settle down quickly and I think the parents would have been reassured to see them.

Original poster

stillinflipflops · 14/09/2022 10:51

What I would say is that I dropped my DC off late last week after a medical appointment and all the children in the classroom (including the usually upset ones who cry and cling to parents in the morning) were happily playing and building things, not a tear in sight. So I do think they settle down quickly and I think the parents would have been reassured to see them.

Thank you for sharing this, I needed to hear that.

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Mariposista · 14/09/2022 10:56

Polar opposites here - I had one who ran off into school as though he couldn’t get away fast enough and one whinger. With no 2 we had dad take her into school wherever possible (both able to do it and get to work on time), and kept drop offs as short and no nonsense as possible. Kiss, have a nice day and leave, no waiting around. Was fine after 2 weeks.

Figmentofimagination · 14/09/2022 12:20

For my DS (now in year 1) short drop offs also worked, avoiding prolonging things.

What also worked is bribing him. We walked past a shop on the school run, so we told him if he is a brave strong boy and goes into school and has a great time he can have a treat from the shop at the end of his first week. By week 2 he was absolutely fine.